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tray tables and upright positions...

top 10 reasons why flying makes me tres uncomfortable

10. i saw final destination. now anytime i fly planes, take showers, walk near buses or railroads or see devon sawa on the street, i scream. like a silent high-pitched scream that warns small squirrels and deer.

9. i always get sat right next to the looney tunes. i can't make last night's adventure up. i sat next to a nearly 5 foot latino woman who was holding a 4 foot tall pink plush bunny when i sat down. luckily, no one sat down between us and she gave him his own seat and belt buckle. i swear the bunny was laughing at me.

8. i am 6 foot, 2 inches tall. yep.

7. my last girlfriend was intent on joining the mile-high club. it was the single most terrifying and simultaneously the single most hilarious thing i have ever attempted. it kinda reminded me of that scene from "indiana jones and the temple of doom" in which indiana and short round are in that bug-filled trap and the spikes are coming down and it's really intense and the heroine is screaming...but with sex.

6. last night, i realized i need an IPOD stat. trying to find suitable tunes on the airplane radio station, i stumbled on some sort of alternate-90's, we-really-don't-care-where-they-are-know radiostation. i heard kriss kross's "jump," sir mix-a-lot's "baby got back," tag team's "whomp there it is" and right said fred's "i'm too sexy." back to freakin back. i was horrified but i COULD NOT change the channel.

5. a couple years ago, they stopped serving meals. not that big a loss. but last year, they stopped serving peanuts. they instead started serving salty pretzels. luckily, they downgraded yet again. last night, they gave me some water and a salt packet. i felt like such a supermodel.

4. my one time ever flying first class was tinged with sadness. after a long set of events, i was laid over in LAX for seven extra hours. american airlines gave me an upgrade and a $10 certificate to McDonald's. have you ever tried to spend $10 at McDonald's. it's virtually IMPOSSIBLE. i told the girl my order and I had only $3 spent. i didn't want to waste it. i was ordering things i'd never heard of, giving away apple turnovers and chocolate chip cookies to little kids, etc. i felt like willy wonka in a way that i was making all the kids in LAX happy with sugary joy. but once i got onto the plane, i instantly passed out from sugar, slept the whole way and missed out on all the first-class trimmings.

3. i get really bored really fast. and since i am constantly in varying degrees of uncomfortability (maybe a word?), i have to amuse myself somehow. it usually involves drinking. last year, i got a bunch of southwest (ugh!) drink coupons for my xmas flight home. bunch=15 or so drinks. after drinking 4 in the first hour and a half, i started buying my entire row drinks. guess who was the man with the master plan on that particular flight??

2. (I blanked out for a second and forgot this entire number)

1. two words. some syllables. baggage claim.
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