dude.man.phat.

REBOOT!!!!!!!

2010-06-05T15:57:00.000-07:00

REBOOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The greatest (internet) love story ever told...comes to an end!!!!!!!!!???????????!!!!!!

2006-10-26T12:51:00.000-07:00

Forgive the crude photoshopping, BUT....HOLY CRAP BIG NEWS!!!!

Mystery Science Internet Theater 3000...

2006-10-25T16:32:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow, the most highly trafficked blog entry in the history of Dude Man Phat reaches its surprising conclusion. Everyone bring chips and dip.

My dog's mugshot pose...

2006-07-18T18:06:00.000-07:00

Road Rules: Rock Star Edition...

2006-07-13T23:06:00.000-07:00

Is this the EXACT SAME GUY pissing me off TWO TIMES A WEEK or what??? Am I crazy? This dude must be the smartest reality show contestant ever. He's pulling the Tootsie blinders on all of America.

Whatever. Nice fivehead, douchebag(s).

She's like the wind, through my tree...

2006-07-12T18:24:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I was friggin whining about not going to the beach this summer. I might as well start crying that the weather is too beautiful here. And stuff. Ugh. BUT...All was made notsuckable when I scurried past the Cineramadome last night (thank you, moderately-priced Hollywood apartment) with my shitargic dog & her makeshift bandanna collar (why must you eat EVERYTHING?????). We shared A MOMENT:

I saw Veronica Mars in the flesh (she's remarkably Micro-machine-sized).

And, for some unbuddha-ly reason, Patrick Swayze's lyrics called to me.

She's like the wind through my tree
She rides the night next to me
She leads me through moonlight
Only to burn me with the sun
She's taken my heart
But she doesn't know what she's done

Feel her breath on my face
Her body close to me
Can't look in her eyes
She's out of my league
Just a fool to believe
I have anything she needs
She's like the wind

I swear that she looked at me. Or in my direction. And winked. Or maybe her eye twitched. My dog could have run off with her bandanna collar and I wouldn't have known it or cared. Cause for that one nanosecond, I do believe Kristen Bell eye-googled me. AND LIKED IT. And then...she was gone. And I was off to Petco to buy a double nylon collar that will withstand the strength of a really really fat but strong woman. I'm talking deuce, deuce and a half maybe. Anyways, deep in my Nancy Wilson, we shared a moment. And because of that, I believe KBell has supplanted JAlba at the top of my "List of Famous Girls I'd Manlove If The Girlfriend Allowed Me That One Transgression." Oh yes. Number one like a rocket.

p.s. A sidenote: at the LaBrea Petco, two ladies brought in a baby oppossum they had found on the side of the road, apparently on their way to a Hideously Dressed Latino Lady Competition. Why they thought Petco was Grand Oppossum Central Station, I have no idea. But they had it stashed inside an aquarium (again, who rides around with empty aquariums in their car?) and they tried to show it to me. More like shoved it at me while I held my arms in the air. It was a scary-looking devil rat. If I could have drove the Taurus in Petco, I would have. Scary, I tell you.

Wish in one hand, shit in the other...

2006-07-11T17:32:00.000-07:00

I live 20 minutes from the beach and I haven't been to it ONE TIME this ENTIRE summer. I've just been too busy. Busy with everything. Too busy for one of my favorite places in Southern Cali: Hermosa B & Manhattan B: I miss you. If Jessica Simpson (pictured above) were all like, "Come on! Let's go to the beach so we can wear sexy cowboy hats and flirt with the paparazzi," I'd have to sigh, cry a bit and walk away. That's the raw deal with television. We're making the stuff you'll be watching this fall and afterwards. So in my quick 5 min break, here's what's been going on:

-My dog keeps having diarrhea. Shit everywhere. All the time. I'm surprised she hasn't blown an O-ring yet. This is another reason beach time has been seriously depleted.

-I'm buying a new (but used) car, which means I will be retiring the Taurus. This feels like it will be one of those long, drunken posts about how I've been through so much with an inanimate object things. I'm thinking about donating it to a local LA charity. Cancer kids or PETA animal activists against putting makeup on monkeys..something like that. Most likely the monkeys because they're always funny. But only if the makeup is safe. Okay. I just imagined a monkey putting on his makeup himself while driving my beatup Ford Taurus down the 405. They win.

-Seen a few movies lately. X-Men 3...okay. The Breakup...so so disappointing. Superman Returns...made me sleepy. The Devil Wears Prada...surprised at how much I liked it. Pirates 2...off the chain. Monster House...cooltastic (really, you can take your little sis and still enjoy yourself).

-Been catching up on some tv pilots coming out in the fall. Watch out for Skeet Ulrich in Jericho. Man's going to re-blow up. You heard it here. Heroes, which I believe is at NBC, definitely has promise to be a favorite. Superheroes X Lost = Top 10 Tivo Seasonpassage. Hayden Pana-something or other plays Indestructible Cheerleader. I would say that's she's superbangeable but I think she's 16 so I'll just say that I admire her acting abilitie-s. Both of them.

-Dude. I turned 26. Sang some freakin Peter Cetera "Glory of Love" at my karaoke birthday party. Orchid Bar near the Wiltern off Wilshire, LA-peeps. A must recommend.

Like I said, no time no time. Maybe I'll be able to discuss further favorite things (like how I totally want to have sex with Big Brother All Stars) in the near future. Until then, back to working hard for unappropriate pay.

Let's get this party started...

2006-06-27T16:51:00.000-07:00

Back from a 6-month vacation.

It's also my birthday.

Boom goes the dynamite.

The greatest (internet) love story of all is dead???????

2006-01-26T14:01:00.000-08:00

I know. I know. I wish I could say I was abducted by the ship from "Flight Of The Navigator" and that I went on some kickass adventures that involved flying over the Pacific Ocean and singing Beach Boys songs superbly off key...but I didn't. I overslept. Alarm clock was on PM instead of AM. My bad.

BUT...there is movement and a (perhaps?) conclusion in THE GREATEST INTERNET LOVE STORY OF ALL TIME: The Classmates.com couple. Or as I like to call them, Axl and Piper.

And it's a spoiler. Sadly.

The Million Little Pieces controversy has me re-evaluating every single Oprah book recommendation...

2006-01-12T18:05:00.000-08:00

Hey. After this mess, you never know.

Maya Angelou may have not been 100% on why exactly the birds, in fact, sing. Or she may have only thought she saw them sing, but it was a cruel joke by one of her college friends ("That Maya, man. She's always birdwatching. Waiting. Let's trip her out with some Disney animatronic shit!!"). Or she may have really seen them sing, but they weren't actually caged, at least not in the literal sense. But, again, you never know. Call me loco, but I'd just like to see a similar convo on "Larry King Live."

Larry: "So, you never really did see them...sing?"

Maya: "Larry, Larry! The literal truth of the book is still there. The only part that is in question is the title."

Larry: "But isn't that the theme of the book? The main point, if I may?"

Maya: "Larry, Larry. Come on. It's me. Maya."

Larry: "You've never even seen a bird, have you?"

Maya: "Again. No comment."

Larry: "Spell bird."

Maya: "No comment."

Larry: "I'm going to pretend I'm a bird and I'm going to sing. Then, for the viewers around the world watching, tell me why."

Maya: "Why don't we go to some callers."

Larry: "Tweet tweet. Tweet tweet."

I want you to be nice until it's time not to be nice...

2006-01-10T23:14:00.000-08:00

It's been that kind of day.

At least I remembered to watch Road House this afternoon before I came into work. If I ever figure out how to feng shui my apartment, that glorious piece of film is going to be playing on a loop on a secondary TV somewhere, probably near the kitchen. Because it has an eerie calming effect on me. Actually, to mix it up, I might also add Mad Max:Beyond Thunderdome (because, truly, everything is better Beyond Thunderdome).

If you're a real man and haven't seen these movies, something is terribly wrong. If you're a chick and you've seen them, something is right. Oh so right that I might love you. Totally.

This guy will not be the next "Survivor" winner...

2006-01-09T10:40:00.000-08:00

WHY???

Well...Survivor Austin grew up right around the corner from my house as a kid. One day I went to his house to play soccer and he kicked the ball really hard and it hit me in the nose, causing a monstrous nosebleed. The rest of my memory is hazy but I do remember there was some unnecessary laughing, some fighting and maybe an attempt to blow my bloody nose all over him and his dog in anger. But...that was at least 18 years ago. I'm over it. Although, it would be pretty cool if he did get in the final two at the end. Then, I could get a ticket to the taping and stand up and call him out on it. "DUDE, that guy kicked a soccer ball deliberately at my face, gave me a nosebleed and laughed at me!! So I blew my nose on him and his dog! And I think he might have cried a little! Should a guy LIKE THAT be the next winner of Survivor??"

No. I think not.

Thank you for playing, Monica Keena...

2006-01-05T20:18:00.000-08:00

I remember having a semi-crush on Monica Keena when she played the villainous (and Jack Daniels-loving) Abby Morgan on "Dawsom's Creek" circa 1998.

Then her character got drunk, fell off a pier, hit her head and died. DIED! That's how she died. Ranked right up there on the huh-o-meter with the Cowboy Scott "90210" death but hurt a lot more because she was a hot female instead of a goofy guy who was just glad Brandon Walsh knew his name AND came to his bday party.

Anyways, I see her boobs through her Forever 21 blouse that she wore to the Bloodrayne (oh god why) premiere last night and that's all I could think of (instead, oddly, of boobs).*

Death by pier diving. Such a sad waste.

*I really have no idea if this blouse was purchased there. I just threw out the L.A. clothing store that first came to my mind. I've also never been forced in that place against my will. I promise.

p.s. When the Getty Images watermark doesn't fully shield the breast region, I get a certain comfort. I know this is sad but give me that one thing.

I could watch "The Gauntlet II" every night...

2006-01-03T19:43:00.000-08:00

If only for Mark from Road Rules One and his intense intensity. Did anyone else see how riled up he got on that bus last night? Dude wanted to get off THE BUS!! Let him off. That was major dra-ma. In all seriousness, I hate myself for watching this 87th incarnation of the RW/RR challenge. I was off one day the past two weeks and this was all that was on TV. I would much rather MTV have a show fully revolving around either A) the writers room when they devise the Challenge events that would (maybe) shock my mom (if she watched) aka last night's Sponge challenge or B) the producers when they were calling the cast members to see if they were free (ok, not as much drama) or C) an entire show revolving around how Mark stays looking so early 30ish when he's probably pushing 50 by now (and banging half the female cast until they cry). But really, he was seriously intense. If the bus talked, it would have said ow.

More random stuff that I'm thinking about:

-I almost bought some taquitos from 7/11 this past week. They looked so good, so hot and so appetizing on their spinning metal thingees near the hot dogs. And then I realized, what if they are really really good. And I get addicted. How embarrassing would that be? And I would get fleeced so much for change by the bums. I bet that's how they became that way. 7/11 taquito habits have got to expensive (to your future health, not so much your wallet).

-There's a Hollywood billboard for Bank of California with some bears playing in a field and the tagline is "Since 1876." It really confuses me every time I see it. My latest thought is that "the bears held up the bank" and not "the bears were the prime components for the bank's existence (since they were eating everyone's money and they needed a safe place for it)." That was last week's reasoning.

-I just sent my resume in for a job as a writer's assistant on one of my favorite sitcoms. So everyone think moderate to extremely happy thoughts. It would probably mean a decrease in pay and humility but, hey, that's what you have to do to someday wear the championship belt. Either that or walk into a wrasslin' match that's already started like a wuss and steal the belt off a guy who's just been suplexed. I don't fight like that, though. Oh no.

-Every time I see the preview for "24," I wig out. Four hours of that show in two nights is like the kind of dream inside a dream. With explosions and Jack Bauer talking all husky like he does. And boop boop doop doop's!! OMG. I just did it again. That show rocks, man.

-I finally cleared out my Tivo "Now Playing" list after three months. This past week, with the lack of new programming, I have been taping some really crappy TV. Did anyone else see that show "I Can't Believe I Wore That," hosted by Dave Coulier and Bo Derek. Just me? OK. Nevermind.

Merry holiday festivities to all...

2005-12-23T13:31:00.000-08:00

Jingle bells, y'all. And all that good stuff.

Keep it safe. Thanks for being awesome.

At least the "Nip/Tuck" finale wasn't boring...

2005-12-21T11:00:00.000-08:00

Okay. For those Tivo'ed it, I won't completely spoil what was essentially a pretty fun episode. Cheesy, yes. Predictable, in some aspects. But fun. A few spoiler-ish thoughts:

1) Thank God we finally figured out why Kit was the worst detective ever. She couldn't catch a cold if it introduced itself first.

2) Who else thought the tranny looked like an atrocious-looking vampire? And what was that cut around the top of her head? Very distracting...from her HIDEOUS FACE. No really. Ugly.

3) Where did freaky racist girlfriend go when her daddy started going AWOL? She just decided to go to McDonald's or something right in the middle of family peniscuttery hour. Cliffhanger #1.

4) Your penis is cut off. For some reason, you only scream bloody murder for a lil' bit. Then you have the strength to rise up from a grave like a vampire Michael Myers, swing a shovel AND shoot someone...without screaming more about your penis. Impossible. Even for a vampire. I call shenanigans.

6) He/she's a freakin tranny vampire. That's the only explanation.

7) There's nothing more hilarious than AIDS chicks trying to fool dudes into thinking they don't have AIDS for a little booty. He even thought about it for a split second. But I commend Christian for being nice and not bringing up the obvious answer, "Yeah, but aren't you a little AIDS-y?"

8) Julia has got to have a Corky in the oven. Cliffhanger #2.

All I want for Christmas (besides gifts and stuff)...

2005-12-20T16:48:00.000-08:00

Is to be rid of Nickelback's "Photograph."

I'm not joking, man. It's stalking me. I heard it for about the 87th time in a month while shopping this past weekend. I thought stores were supposed to keep shoppers happy during the holidays (with rainforest sounds, dolphins and crap), but I was wrong. NICKELBACK!!! So I walked outside the store I was in to escape and someone walked out behind me humming it. NooooOOO!!! It's driving me crazily insanely crazy insane. No joke. Since I've nicknamed the lead singer Blah Blah, I've resorted to singing "blah blah blah" whenever I hear it to block out the bad sounds. So if you see someone in LA covering their ears and talking to himself while shopping this week, that's probably me.* I'm not retarded. Just sick of Blah Blah.

*I also might be coughing. Not from a cold. But because I'm still trying to fool people into thinking I'm the Mystery Ricola Cougher. Everyone's doing it at work, too. I believe I've started my a trend.

A guide to the celebrity vagina...

2005-12-19T17:37:00.000-08:00

A sample email:
"DUDE, DUDE!!! LOOK AT THIS PIC!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

Uhhhh...okay. Just so the endless emails will stop, a vagina lesson.

Now...back to the TV production dungeon.

If I die, I'll have someone leave a detailed comment...

2005-12-14T17:23:00.000-08:00

I had the geekiest dream of all time last night. It revolved around one of my favorite bloggers dying and not updating for months on end. In my dream, I blamed Bloglines because every so often it breaks and I get a little exclamation point beside the blog name which means they effed up in some way. But once I went to the actual blog address, I realized that it was true. They hadn't updated. I clicked on the comments to find this, left by some random person:

Sorry guys. He died.

And that was it. No other explanation. Nothing. Just dead. And being the neurotic person I am (even in my freakin dreams, man) my mind started to race. Holy shit. What happened? I'm sad. I need some closure. This vague comment isn't enough. I'm going to order a stuffed crust pizza from Pizza Hut and eat the entire pizza. And then I woke up. So that's why I promise, if I ever die, I'll have someone leave a more detailed comment about my death. Maybe even a picture. Because Blogspot is 4ever.

What does this all mean? I'm not dead or dying. But I have been sick with something a little more than a cold and a lot less than the HIV. In all honesty, my insides might be melting. Also, my TV show is almost in edit (which means CRAZINESS!!!), the computer is sucking my will to live (see Electric Dreams) and the fact that I'm on drugs and STILL can't drink caffeine makes me very BLECH. So if I disappear for a while, those are the reasons. Good news: I had my first CAT scan ever today and made a Total Recall joke to the lady who pushed the button.

"If I am not me, den who da hell am I?" I said.

I don't think she got the reference.

But this dog in a hat did.

Because he loves that movie.

p.s. Hilary Duff isn't even trying anymore.

My xmas tree would beat up your xmas tree...

2005-12-09T11:40:00.000-08:00

Facts about my Christmas tree (my first real honest to goodness one in over 7 years)

1) It's got blue balls.

2) It's got butterflies on it. Not my doing, but hey. Whatever.

2b) In my mind, those butterflies are mean as all hell. And they'll kick you in the face and cuss at you if you try to laugh at them.

3) Since the stand is all screwed up, a Harry Potter book (one of the unreasonably long ones) is holding up the tree from falling through the wall and, perhaps, into my neighbor's bathroom. Thank you, Harry Potter.

4) Its name, like everything inanimate in my apartment, is Steve.

5) It's about 7 foot tall. Yes, it can dunk.

6) Its lights blink really really fast and give me seizures.

Merry Xmas tree to all!

Paris Hilton: not as full of shit as she was last week...

2005-12-08T12:34:00.000-08:00

There ya go, Los Angeles.

If you want to take care of your poop like Paris Hilton takes care of her poop, Total Health Connection is the place. And if you mention during your 1st visit that you came after seeing this pic of Paris coming out of the office recently, they might give you something free. Like a toothbrush. Because that's what enemas do to you. They make you want to brush your teeth. Okay, I admit. I have no idea. But I do feel icky.

Coincidence of the day:
Paris gets enema ==> Gets brown-nosed by record execs, cousin Perez

What happens in the urinals stays in the urinals...

2005-12-08T11:49:00.000-08:00

Except for when it's as freaky as what just happened to me. I was in our office floor's restroom doing my business when some random dude I've never seen before sidles up to the urinal two down from me. About five seconds in, he lets out the most ginormous fart I've ever heard inside a public restroom. Very gross, kinda wet sounding, but with intensity. Truth be told, I hadn't heard something this grotesque coming out of stalls. And this was standing up at a urinal.

So what did I do? I tried my best not to laugh. But the fact that you don't normally hear dudes tearing ass cheeks while they're standing up at the urinal (unless you're at the trough at a football game) made me lose it. And as I did, I looked sideways (breaking the unspoken dude rule of eyes straight ahead) and, I guess, gave him the WTF glance. Scariest thing? He looked like T Bag from "Prison Break." And what did he do? He stopped, zipped up and pointed at me as he was walking away. "Merry Christmas," he said. And he didn't wash his hands on the way out.

I will be 70 telling this story to my grandkids some day. I just know it.

p.s. Another dog wearing a hat. Xmas, this time.

Christmas time is near, have another beer...

2005-12-06T09:50:00.000-08:00

Without the above photo, the following entry by Izabel into her journal for the "Victoria's Secret Fashion Show" would have been ultra boring.

Shower
I woke up around 8am and took a shower. I said a prayer, thanking God and blessing him. I feel so lucky to be here, I almost have to pinch myself. It's hard to believe.

See? It's all about context. A sad story about how a beautiful supermodel pinches herself because she's lucky to take showers every day is only made more real, more touching and -dare i say - more sensual by the pictures of herself taking said shower. And she wrote "hard." Also good. Since the company Xmas party is tonight (see Open Bar), I'm Tivo-ing this along with "A Charlie Brown Christmas." God bless American television.

Meet "Steve" and "Tyrone." This picture has made me laugh at least a dozen times since someone sent me it yesterday afternoon. Again, with context, you could infer that Steve just won and Tyrone lost. So, to defend his honor, Tyrone flexed until he exploded his innards all over Steve's face. Or maybe they both won in a doubles competition and they're just ultra excited to get back to the hotel and take a candlelit bath together. We just don't know.

The media says this is a new kind of mammal found in Borneo. I say it looks more like a hairless cat with its head stuck in the ground. That Borneo Tourism Board is going to have to work a little harder than this.

And here's some dogs with Christmas hats on. Just for "Mark."

Help me cranekick the hell out of competing blogs...

2005-12-05T12:11:00.000-08:00

Yes. It's the finals of the 2005 Urbs. Through the miraculous use of the internet (okay, I hit up the local nursing homes...they like "pinchable cheeks"...sue me!!), I am up for three MAJOR AWARDS!!!

1. World's Hottest Urban Blogger
2. World's Most Inane Urban Blog Post
3. World's Best Urban Blog

I've got some pretty stiff competition in every category, but I think I can pull out a W or two. Number one, yes, I could feasibly send Gridskipper a picture of myself for the Hottest Urban Blogger category. Anyone who's met me in person knows I'm not a friggin' troll or anything. Or, at least, not an ugly troll. BUT...wouldn't it be so so much awesome-er if I won with a pic of a blowup sex doll (my ex-cubiclemate Franschesca) representing me. Come on. Really. Number two, everyone hates The Gangs Of Souplantation post. Help me make it a legend of hatred. Please. Number three, if Gothamist wins for Best Urban Blog, the terrorists win. They actually sent me an email detailing this. So, I'm just saying. Vote for me. It's a vote for nonterrorism. And bunnies and puppies and rainbows that never end (which are things terrorists really really hate). They told me all of that too.

VOTE HERE

Also, vote for these fine blogs/blogesses:
Art.blogging.la = World's Best Urban Arts Blog
Girlspoke = World's Best Urban Sex Blog
Overeducated & Underemployed = Best Los Angeles Blog

Lindsay Lohan has mind control over men...

2005-12-02T11:13:00.000-08:00

What other reason could there be for this random dude to be wearing my grandmother's sweater? It's waaay too small for him. And that shirt she's wearing looks like my grandfather's hunting shirt. If only one of them were holding a can of Ensure, this would be like a geriatric Freaky Friday. Yep, my grandparents are both going to be majorly pissed once they see this. Not because they're missing the clothes that Lohan evidently stole through some kind of California to NC portal. Trust me. They'll live. But because they're really trendy and she's probably going to try to take all the "grandma sweater/grandpa flannel is new black" credit. She's crafty, I tell you. Crafty.

"Nip/Tuck" is starting to kick major ass...

2005-12-01T12:20:00.000-08:00

Holy crap. I know I was a day late on seeing the newest episode of what is undoubtedly one of the top 3 shows on TV (behind "24" and "Lost"), but daaaayum. The last couple of episodes have been, you know, so-so. But Tuesday night's entry might have been the best hour of TV this year. No doubt. The double-shot (or could it be just a single??) of villainry from the Carver and Quentin Costa must be commended. And adding Brittany Snow as a racist girlfriend to Matt? Very uh huh. If you're not watching it, you're missing out.

p.s. This entry was specifically written just to be sounding board on who the damn Carver is. Let's track this dude/chick down, CSI-stizz.

Ric Flair hates your parallel parking skills...

2005-11-30T15:03:00.000-08:00

This story of professional wrestler Ric Flair attempting to throat slam a man out of his Toyota vehicle before kicking it could only be cooler if he had slapped him a couple times and said "Woo!" afterwards.

I'm from North Carolina. So, of course, I have a few Flair stories. For those who don't know, he's a LEGEND in the South.

1. I remember attending a "wrasslin" match in high school in which Flair was the main headliner. At this point, if you were a fan, you had to squint your eyes a bit because his body was starting to get really old and droopy-looking. So much so that it became comical. One guy that was sitting two rows up from me at the event had his homemade sign (it was a televised fight) taken from him by security. What did it say? "Ric Flair Has Saggy Man Boobs." I thought it was funny.

2. I once had a run-in with an extremely intoxicated (and saggy) Flair at my school's top hole-in-the-wall biscuit establishment, Time Out. I was with friends and we were memerized by one of childhood idols who had stumbled in at 2 AM to get a chicken and cheese biscuit. Did we ask him questions, have him sign autographs or take pictures with him? No. We were college students so we hazed him by making him do the "Woo!" sound over and over again. He even started integrating a little "Woo! I LOVE BISCUITS!!" and "Woo! Eat em all the time!!" in there. Okay. Maybe you had to be there.

dude.man.phat. privacywatch: L.C. & Jason from Laguna Beach...

2005-11-30T11:33:00.000-08:00

I saw L.C. and Jason from MTV's "Laguna Beach" walking through the 4th floor of the Grove parking structure last night. The 12-year-girl inside of me thought it was a totally awesome D-list celebrity sighting. Especially since Jason is such a humongous dingleberry with no social skills and a artificial beard (it doesn't grow, ever!). She was, of course, driving him around in her white GMC Yukon because he probably realized that his Shriner's clown car isn't nearly as cool as he thinks it is. And when they got to the parking attendant, manwhore Jason got out of the car and went over to kiss her, right in front of L.C. It was so scandalous.

Okay, everything but that last part. But it could have happened. The only thing I kept wondering is if they always drive that gas-guzzling monster to the Grove. Because, you know, L.C. lives at the Palazzio right across the street (I knowed where you live, girl!). I bet she wanted to walk and he was too lazy. I hate him. And his fake drawn-on beard.

Dance, Edward Scissorhands, dance...

2005-11-29T17:43:00.000-08:00

I would see this ballet (which, yes, would make it my 1st ballet) just for the scene in which Edward's friends push him around on stage while he tries to ride his first scooter with scissors. Much more difficult than Running With Scissors, that is. Scootering With Scissors.

FOX continues canceling all TV shows I watch...

2005-11-29T14:47:00.000-08:00

To clarify my state of mind, I've been sick the past week and a half and I've been put on a doctor-ordered diet that restricts me from drinking caffiene. So the news that FOX has canceled another show (aka Thursday night's "Reunion") I enjoy comes at a rather unfortunate time. Especially since I just threw my three-hole punch at the empty cubicle right next to mine. Its metal remains erupted into a poof of paper holes that I probably will leave for the cleaning crew to pick up later tonight. I'm way too depressed for such nonsense. I'm going to have to stop watching the network's shows all together. It's like I'm putting all my eggs into the same basket, only to lose the basket weeks later. So I just walk around in a daze with a bunch of eggs, no basket, no idea of where I buy baskets, muttering to myself how "Sliders" was really cool or how "Freaks & Geeks" made me cry with laughter once. It's really upsetting.

DAMN IT FOX!! STOP RUINING MY LIFE!!!!!! AAAAAAGGGHHH!!

must. get. back. caffiene.

And the award for best movie poster tagline goes to...

2005-11-28T18:33:00.000-08:00

I always thought I didn't want to see this movie.

And I didn't.

Also, WTF is Timothy Hutton doing in this movie??

dude.man.phat. privacy watch: amy smokes, beast has a gigantic head...

2005-11-28T15:09:00.000-08:00

Sound the C-list celebrity horn!!! I saw Amy (aka Joey Lauren Adams) and the guy that played Hellboy and Beast in the "Beauty & The Beast" TV show (Ron Perlman) at the Mayfair Market last night. I think they were both buying groceries, which means we have something in common. RIGHT ON!!! JLA was with some scruffy-looking dude and her voice still sounds like she's a 12-year-old with a 4 pack a day cigarette habit. And the Beast's head is freakin' huge. While waiting in line, I think he caught me trying to see how many gallons-of-milk big it was. FYI, it was nearly 2. But, of course, that's just an estimate.

My very first internet threesome...

2005-11-18T11:42:00.000-08:00

I would like to thank the gorgeous ladies of Girlspoke for inviting me to be the first dude to ever penetrate the sexy fortress known as the Girlspoke Drunkcast. I've always wanted to know what I sound like after two beers and now...I guess I do. I sound the same.

Go here and listen to all the hotness now.

And for more Spoke-tastic orgasmosity, try their 2 new sites, which I have already added to my Bloglines, ensuring that I will definitively be fired someday soon for reading too many blogs.

Decent Content
Boyspoke

Celeb Maps thingee = new entertainment options...

2005-11-17T12:35:00.000-08:00

Celebrity Zombie Hunting.

Think about it.

"He's out there."

"But he's dead."

"But it says he still lives there."

"This thing is new. Shouldn't it point...to his grave?"

(DUH DUH DUUUUUHHHHH!!!)

"He's got more jokes to tell. He'll never leave. Oooooo!!!!"

"Zombie Comedian."

Also, Dean Cain lives uncomfortably close to me!

Try it yourself: Celebrity Maps

When watching Oprah makes you more than a little "sensitive"...

2005-11-16T19:59:00.000-08:00

I don't like your threatening tone, Gigantic Billboard Oprah. After you saw the Ring, you at least had 7 days before you died. You know, some kind of warning. But this is bullshit.

All TV movie of the week casts should be this badass...

2005-11-16T17:27:00.000-08:00

GUTTENBERG!!!

Pony Boy.

Doug Coughlin.

Robocop.

IN THE SAME MOVIE!!!!!!

This really should be in movie theaters. IMAX even. It's like my ideal fantasy TV movie of the week team. I would have sprinkled some Zabka in there, though. But I infer that Robocop probably already holds the enforcer role, so I understand. I'm starting popping popcorn in preparation tonight. Guttenberg better be in the movie more than he is in the preview or I'm going to cut someone.

It hurts me to see Lincoln Hawk this way...

2005-11-16T16:50:00.000-08:00

Why is Sylvester Stallone so gosh darn sad looking?

A) He flexed so hard he bruised his bicep
B) The guy whose porch he's on, while frightened, punched him in the bicep
C) He's remembering that horrifying shower scene in The Specialist
D) He just realized he's old and crinkly looking
E) All of the above

The time I told Ashlee Simpson to never ever never ever sing again (but she didn't listen) story...

2005-11-16T09:35:00.000-08:00

Loving Gawker's Jason Lewis/Lindsay Lohan post yesterday, today is going to be all about unique interactions with the famous. Sooooo, I thought I would let one of my best college friends, Dick Highcram (fantastic alias, man) come on board for a guest post about the time he told Ashlee Simpson that she sucked absolute donkey balls as a singer. I can verify that this story is 100% true. Not because I was actually in the room at the time, but after hearing the stories from both male parties, separating them and doing the whole prisoner's dilemma/Law & Order thing, they didn't crack. Enjoy.

**********
From: Dick Highcram
Sent: Tuesday, November 15, 2005 4:43 PM
Subject: The Ashlee Simpson Story

After college I moved to Hollywood to be a "writer," which really meant that I wanted to continue being a drunken ahole and live in a city where no one would judge me because in a city like LA, being a drunk pales in comparison to sodomizing everyone you see in a physical, professional and spiritual manner, which is the most common vice in that lovely town. And, no, I never sold a script, or even finished one for that matter. My first year was a little hazy. I spent a lot of time listening to Queen and Randy Newman records in a dark room in North Hollywood. This normally led to sitting naked Indian style in front of my TV at 3 in the morning watching You've Got Mail and sobbing. When that got boring, which was rare, I sometimes made my way to Saddle Ranch to drink bourbon and ride the mechanical bull before driving my car up into the hills and playing chicken with the deep, dark ravines.

A couple of my ahole friends moved out there with me to be "actors" and somehow one of them ended up running in the same circle as Ryan Cabrera, who is produced by the Goo Goo Dolls and mentored by Joe Simpson and dates/dated Ashlee Simpson. And well, that pretty much sums that up. Ashlee and I ended up in a position where we had to interact with one another several times, and I imagine this was just as painful and confusing for her as it was for me. In fact, I'm pretty convinced that she and I do not speak the same language, so I can't recount much of what she said, either because what came out of her mouth caused me to instantly black out, or because my brain was too addled by substances to comprehend her. It doesn't really matter.
But I do remember our last time together. I seriously can't explain how I found myself in her apartment, but the best thing I can come up with is that my douchebag actor friend was banging one her roommates. She still had roommates because her politically charged smash hit "Pieces of Me" had not been released yet.

The players in this drama are myself, young Miss Simpson, young Miss Valderrama (Wilmer's sister), and my sweaty Greek friend. In all likelihood, my Greek friend and I were present for the absolute nadir of these two girls' lives. I think I was speaking Spanish to Valderrama, because I figured that her skin was darker than mine, and that she must speak Spanish, I can't remember whether she actually did. I do recall that I had her cornered and she looked frightened.

Then the night took a turn for the fantastic. Ashlee started singing. My friend and I could not believe our insane luck, we were actually getting a free preview concert of the soon to be critically acclaimed selfless "Pieces of Me." Fortunately for Valderrama, Ashlee's throaty groaning distracted me. I stopped swaying, I stopped slurring, and my lazy eye departed. In a moment I had become completely sober, although not entirely rational.

And then came the defining moment in my relationship with Ashlee Simpson. Valderama asks me what I'm sure she thought was a rhetorical question, "Doesn't Ashlee have a beautiful voice?" The question hung in the air for what seemed like an eternity as I tried to grapple with the feelings that this innocent question had stirred inside me. My friend had a look on his face that could only be interpretted as, "Dick, Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" But that greasy Greek should know better than to hope to contain me.

I never saw Ashlee Simpson again after that fateful night but for all of you that have been subjected to the punishment of her music, for all of you who were orally raped at the Orange Bowl or feel cheated by her whorish deceit on Saturday Night Live, you can rest assured that I started her off on the wrong foot by pouring forth all of your future vituperation into one tersely delivered statement.

Me: Do NOT ever do that again.
Her: (indignant sound)
Me: EVER!

~Dick Highcram

Lisa Loeb's reality show makes 14-year-old me happy...

2005-11-15T15:28:00.000-08:00

As if I didn't have enough things on my to-do list, now I have to add "Start My Own Reality Show" thanks to today's news of the January 2006 premiere of "#1 Single." If there was any way to program that show into my Tivo today (like RIGHT NOW damn you!!), I would. I so would.

My reality show, though, would be called "Follow Lisa Loeb Around To See If She Loves Me." Because as a 14-year-old boy, frequently transfixed by the music video for "Stay (I Missed You)" during the entire year of 1994, Lisa Loeb had this alluring and magical power over me. I think I even had a dream back then that we were dating and I had bought the bed from Bedknobs and Broomsticks to cheer her up. She seems like the type of girl that loves traveling without the use of mass transportation. And, hey, if we end up getting into some wacky adventures with a bunch of animated animals, so be it. We'd write a song about it. And then we'd have multiple babies with very poor eyesight to sing it to.

No, for real. If anyone knows where they're filming this thing, my email is to the right. I'm not saying I'm going to stalk her. But I wouldn't mind, ahem, following her around 24-7 until she realized we had the same tastes in the cool places to hang in NYC. Good stalkers blend in like that. Or so I've heard.

My favorite Martha Stewart is fired headline...

2005-11-15T09:30:00.000-08:00

And in the Chicago Sun-Times, no less.

Bravo.

Chris Kaman, center for the Los Angeles Clippers, is really really scary looking...

2005-11-14T17:00:00.000-08:00

I remembered reading this website last week that astutely compared Chris Kaman to Old Biff from the year 2015 in Back To The Future 2 (aka the one with the hoverboards). I thought the resemblance was there but not quite spot on. It was missing something. Then, I was watching last night's losing effort versus the Philly 76ers when this revealing conversation occurred in the room.

"I guess he does kind of look like Old Biff."

"But he's got something else. It's as if Old Biff got trapped with the People Under The Stairs and used that built up anger to play basketball once he broke free. But, of course, he was still chubby and really really scary looking."

Here's a pretty math equation.

That concludes today's out-of-the-blue post about sports.

Nicole Richie has no side boob...

2005-11-14T14:14:00.000-08:00

In all actuality, that's almost concave.

Is it possible to have negative boob?

Not kidnapped, just on hiatus...

2005-11-10T15:59:00.000-08:00

Pending family issues, guys. Hope to be back next week.

In the meantime, check out the funny at these sites and those at that side thing down there:

Golden Fiddle
Thighs Wide Shut
Blagg Blogg
My Blog Is Poop
Words For My Enjoyment
Girlspoke

Sniffing glue is the new whatever...

2005-11-08T18:09:00.000-08:00

This is one of today's most viewed/emailed photos on Yahoo. Most people won't even get past the model's hind quarters to read the surprising caption:

A model parades in front of street children, some of whom are sniffing glue, in the drug-infested 'Barrio Triste' (Sad Neighborhood) in downtown Medellin in Colombia November 7, 2005. The event was organised to entertain the children by a member of a local charity that helps children in Barrio Triste by providing food, clothes and cleaning facilities.

Finally, a charity I can get behind. (Rim shot) Get it? Okay, not funny. But neither is the fact that these poor children have to sniff glue during the naked model charity runway show to enjoy it. That's just terrible. Almost as terrible as this...

When "The Tony Danza Show" first premiered back in September 2004, I bet one of my friends here in L.A. that Tony would have a "Who's The Boss" reunion on the show within the year. You know, as the lastest last resort to get ratings. Well, guess friggin what?

Yep, that douchehole just lost me five dollars by going a year and almost two months! So today, like every day, is No, Really, I Don't Care That Much For Tony Danza Day.

And, lastly, I want to bid a blegh farewell to the fast food sandwich that makes me throw up just to look at it: The McRib. Now, if McDonald's can stop confusing me by establishing some kind of regular double drive-thru window procedure, I'd be happier. The Taco Bell's first window has a lady whose sole job is asking what kind of sauce you want. She doesn't even give it to you. She just asks and punches in the data for the second window lady to give it to you. I'm thinking McDonald's needs something as worthless as Sauce-Choice-Lady. Cause she makes me smile. Maybe they could hire the glue-sniffing-kids from above to hand out straws in the first window? Then that would combine uselessness and charity, my two most favoritest things. Actually, someone in charge should hire me, just for that idea.

Internal monologue of Sandman, the new Spiderman 3 villain, written by someone not knowledgable about Sandman or what he does...

2005-11-07T17:10:00.000-08:00

"Oh crap. I smell sand. Sand is near. You know what THAT means! Yeah. I'm going to throw it. Because that's my evil supervillain power. Sand or something sand...ish. Like throwing sand or flipping sandboxes over. Or, you know, stuffing it down your swimshorts after you've been in the ocean. Sometimes, I'll even granulate the sand even further with the help of my extremely more built right arm muscles and pour some in the outer edges of your ear while you're not looking. Oh yes. In your auricle. Then you'll get home and put your finger in your ear and say, "Dude, how did I get sand here? Curse you, Sandman!" But, seriously, I smell sand and it's somewhere in the city. If I don't find it soon, I don't know how I'll react. I might build a gigantic sand castle for some babies and then knock it down in front of them. Make them cry. Whatever it takes to do something evil that also involves sand. That's how I roll."

you're on my shit list for not accepting my high five, jesse metcalfe...

2005-11-04T14:36:00.000-08:00

Dude. Seriously.

I just saw you at the Farmer's Market at the Grove. You were walking inside the entrance near Johnny Rocket's. I was walking out the opposite way with an enjoyable Frappuccino. I saw you coming from far away (I'm tall) and said to my friend, "It's Metcalfe. Dude got Gabrielle Solis pregnant, man!" So I began the high five motion in celebration as a show of manpower. You know, as in "good job mofo!" And what did you do?

You denied my high five.

What the hell, man? Not only did you not accept, you didn't even acknowledge the high five. I'm not crazy. Although I do it occasionally, I wasn't high fiving myself. This high five was intentional and it was disregarded like it was a pitiful low five. That was beat up, dude. You're on my non-high-five-acknowledgement shit-list. Party of one. Consider this a warning.

-Me

p.s. About your show, I hope the baby isn't yours anymore. I hope it is Carlos's and it comes out with a goatee and your non-high-fiving baby has to end up mowing his yard someday. Step to that.

last night's huge stakeout at paris hilton's house...

2005-11-04T10:16:00.000-08:00

Is Paris Hilton at the center of a huge crime drama??

Why was there was a huge cavalcade of vehicles at Paris's crib in the Hills O Hollywood last night? Someone said it was for a noise violation, but there were like THREE POLICE CARS and TWO SUV'S outside. That's a lot of man power for a noise violation. Could it be linked to Nick Lachey's disappearance? The Lakers' home opener loss? The fact that her boyfriend, Starving Nachos, poured a beer on a homeless dude's head? Pandemic Flu Dot Gov?

INTERNET, I WANT THE TRUTH!!!

UPDATE: Damn you, Internet. I want a much sexier truth!!

flea joins the blog squad...

2005-11-03T16:47:00.000-08:00

flea from the red hot chili peppers has a new blog
it's about nba basketball
which he likes
especially the team of kobe
he does not employ capitalization
or punctuation
but who needs those things
when you don't even wear clothes
to shred bass guitar

Nicole Richie deepthroats a corndog...

2005-11-03T10:11:00.000-08:00

Rock bottom? Meet Nicole Richie.

FYI, while a corndog can contain a distastrous 300 - 400 calories, a tablespoon of mustard on the tip of your corndog only contains about 10 calories. So at least she's getting something, right? Right?

5 ways we can randomly put Jesus in mainstream movies to make them more christian-y...

2005-11-02T17:50:00.000-08:00

So, the NY Times is surprised Hollywood isn't a big Jews For Jesus posse? Uh huh. Groundbreaking journalism. You know what, NY Times? You're totally right. Hollywood should be courting the Christian audience more. So I've got an idea. Let's just start making even more remakes than we already are. Might as well. Let's make all the regular crappy remakes as well as a whole new crop of Christian remakes of mainstream films. Would that solve this growing "problem?" I'll even give some hungry Hollywood producers the first Jesus-esque ideas in 5 Ways We Can Randomly Put Jesus In Mainstream Movies To Make Them More Christian-y:

5. Back To The Future (But With Jesus)
The Plot:
Jesus is BFF with Doc Brown. Doc Brown builds a time machine. "I don't really need that, but okay," says Jesus. Some Middle-Eastern dudes kill Doc with a WMD. Jesus gets scared and takes the time machine back to the year 2 B.C. Mary's father hits Him jogging one day, takes Him home. Since Jesus is wearing Calvin Klein underwear from the future, Mary calls Him Calvin Klein. Mary falls in love with Calvin Klein Jesus. Calvin Klein Jesus finds Doc's great(times 20)grandfather and asks him what to do. He says, "Well, you're Jesus. Just keep your mom from falling in love with you. Remind her about God, divine intervention, space-time continum, yadda yadda, get out of there lickety-split and then teleport (or whatever you do) back to 2005." So He did. And all was good. The end.

4. The Silence of The Lambs (But With Jesus)
The Plot:
Instead of going through that long, drawn-out and violent process of cooperating with Hannibal Lecter, Clarice just asks Jesus where Buffalo Bill is. He tells her. Because that's what he does. CSI Jesus. The End.

3. Waterworld (But With Jesus)
The Plot:
Jesus turns all the water into wine. Makes it Wineworld. Everyone happy.

2. Karate Kid (But With Jesus)
A select scene from the film:

"I hear you jumped some of my students last night."

"Afraid facts mixed up."

"You calling Mr. Lawrence a liar?"

"No call no one nothing."

"What are you here for, old man?"

"Come ask leave Jesus alone."

"What's the matter, Jesus can't take care of His own problems?"

"One to one problem, yes. One to one problem while answer prayer, maybe. FIVE to one problem while also answer prayer, too much ask anyone."

"Is that what's bothering you? The odds? Well, we can fix that. Feel like matching, Mr. Lawrence?"

"Yes, sensei!"

"No more fighting."

"This is a karate dojo, not a knitting class. You don't come into my dojo, drop a challenge and leave, old man. Now you get Jesus on the mat, or you and I will have a major problem."

"Too much advantage. Your dojo."

"Name a place"

"First Baptist Church. Multicultural Room."

"You've got real nerve, old man. Real nerve. But I think we can accomodate you. Can't we, Mr. Lawrence?"

"But sensei, I'm Jewish."

"No mercy."

1. The Passion Of The Christ (But With Jesus)
Plot:
But wait, you say. Wasn't Jesus in the original Passion? He may have been, but I didn't see Him. When I think of Jesus, I think of the smiley Jesus I see in illustrated Bibles, helping people and preaching His word. Jesus liked to make people happy, like Bobby McFerrin. Where was that Jesus in The Passion? Where was the Jesus that likes rainbows, sun-babies and dogs wearing hats? Nowhere, that's where. So, instead of gross, bloody Jesus and Mel Gibson's insistence of subtlety, the new version will have happier G-rated Jesus. No blood. No violence. And a Raffi soundtrack. Just happy things. Like Mr. Dog in a Hat. He'll even tell funny limericks to Jesus while he's on the cross to lighten up the mood. Because Jesus loves the funny. See? Blockbuster guaranteed.

and you thought jennifer love hewitt was staying inside for halloween...

2005-11-01T12:38:00.000-08:00

"You know what would be cool?"

"What?"

"If this Halloween, I ate a bunch of hot dogs, some ice cream and hung out with a gigantic BlowPop."

"That's a great idea! What are you going to be, though?"

"A fat ballerina!!"

"Of course. That makes perfect sense."

[Edit note: Uhhhhhhhhhhh.]

brad pitt heals world, makes it a sexier place...

2005-11-01T10:17:00.000-08:00

"Okay, guys. Raise your hand if you haven't been adopted by Angelina."

This is starting to seem like the time in high school in which I joined Key Club for a girl. I made it seem like I was all into it, and then, she was all like, "Hey, you're really good at this. You should run for Key Club President." That's when I was like, "Girl, the only club president I want to be is the president of Club You." Okay, I didn't say that last thing. But I was in over my head, just like Brad Pitt seems to be in this relationship with Angelina Jolie. She's got him narrating PBS specials now?? Talk about p-whipped:

Starting Tuesday night on PBS and ending Thursday (check local listings), Pitt will narrate six hour-long episodes of "RX for Survival: A Global Health Challenge," which follows health care workers and researchers struggling to contain disease among the world's poor.

"I've been involved with the issue of poverty — I've been studying it for about a year and half now," Pitt told The Associated Press in a phone interview Monday from Calgary, Alberta. "I think one of the major causes of that is health, global health."

A year and a half now, huh? Hmmm...wasn't that about the time you allegedly started you-know-what-ing with you-know-who? Or not, maybe?

What led Pitt to this interest in poverty?

"I don't know," he said. "To me personally, it goes back to the will to understand and that's what we're lacking most. So I want to educate myself as much as I can to understand the situation, to understand the solutions."

Okaaaay, then. Understand seems to be the key word. So, I want to understand that Brad Pitt's heart has grown three sizes in eighteen months. I want to understand that he's a zebra that's changed his stripes. I do. But I also want to understand unicorns are real and that they're just hiding from me. Or that Skittles pop out of rainbows if we squeeze them hard enough. Or that Santa Claus is reading my blog and that he's bringing me a 72-inch TV for Christmas this year. No, really. Do we understand each other, Santa? Make it HDTV. And put it beside the window. Thank you.

Related: Brad Pitt Understands Beach Walking

pirates of the tonydanzaean...

2005-10-31T17:52:00.000-08:00

This conversation is just like that commercial where the college buddies call up their first college friend that gets a job and they ask him, "How many cookies do I have in my mouth?" But instead of just finishing college, this involves guys that have been out of college for 3 years now and do nothing but watch horrible daytime TV and still tell the worst jokes...

"Dude. Turn on The Tony Danza Show."

"No."

"Dude. Turn it on."

"No."

"Duuuuude. He's a pirate."

"That's terrific."

"Guess what his name is?"

"Tony The Pirate?"

"Actually, I don't know. But, probably, yes."

"Is he talking in a pirate voice?"

"No. He's using his regular Tony Danza voice."

"Typical."

"Now he's singing with some guy dressed up as Judy Garland."

"Terrible."

"Dude, what's the capital of Thailand?"

"That joke doesn't work over the phone, man."

"Damn."

mystery of paris hilton & domino's pizza delivery guy...

2005-10-31T15:07:00.000-08:00

Forget Paris Hilton and her slutty bunny outfit. Been there, done that. Forget Nicky's green-whatever-that-is. Really. I don't know what it is and it pales in comparison to slutty bunnies. I want to know about the other costume found in this picture: namely, Domino's Pizza Delivery Guy.

How did the costume of Domino's Pizza Delivery Guy come to exist?

A) Does Paris have a male friend that she doesn't have sex with? If so, did he decide to be be Domino's Pizza Delivery Guy for Halloween? And, uh, why?

B) Did Paris hire a dude to follow her around as Domino's Pizza Delivery Guy just in case she got hungry at moments throughout the night's proceedings? If this is the truth, why isn't she this brilliant more often?

C) When they see celebrities on their delivery routes, could there be some real pizza delivery guys that Voltron quickly into paparazzi members? If so, do they have a pizza box that they always keep in their truck that flips open to reveal a camera (sort of like Banderas did in Desperado with his gun)? If all of this is true, could there be a demand for a pizza that takes pictures? Don't laugh. The technology has to be there.

D) Did this pizza delivery guy just get caught in the slutty bunny paparazzi crossfire? And, considering this was the same outfit Paris wore to the Playboy Halloween party, where the hell are they? Walking up the driveway? Who ordered a pizza to the Playboy party? Hef has to have food flowing through that thing, right? More importantly, is that how I can finally get in there? Pose as Domino's Pizza Delivery Guy? Don't make me get a part-time job for this. Because I will. This should have been letter A.

E) Why does Domino's Pizza Delivery Guy look so unhappy? Doesn't he know he's standing next to a slutty bunny? And Green-Whatever-That-Is-Girl? Me, I can't even hold a pizza and look that unhappy. So I'm confused.

in 100 words or less, what's your favorite scary movie?

2005-10-28T17:39:00.000-07:00

I've been spending one of my first weeks off in a long time enjoying AMC's Monsterfest. Nothing's better than bad 80's horror movies that have been edited for television. Scary movies friggin' rock even when they're horrible. Just like pizza. And to commemorate that fact, along with the fact that this is dude.man.phat's 500th blog post (woohoo! break out the streamers and shit!!), I've decided to launch a new interactive feature: In 100 Words Or Less. I read and enjoy a lot of well-written blogs. So I've asked (via email) a few of my favorite bloggers (this week it's all L.A., baby), "What's your favorite scary movie (in 100 words or less)?" and, since I'm not totally lazy, I'll start:

Justin, Dudemanphatnotfatbutphat
"All of my favorite movies seem to involve 80's nostalgia. So my favorite scary movie would have to be Gremlins. Not scary, you say. Suck my balls, I say. When friggin' mean, green monsters with scary teeth start jumping out of my Christmas tree when I'm trying to decorate it, I piss in my pants. I don't know about you. They also tried to kill Phoebe Cates!! And, as a little kid, I didn't want to feed my pets after midnight or get them wet for months after I saw the movie. My poor stinky anorexic pets."

Geoff, Bullmonkey
"Right now, my favorite horror flick is Ju-on 2 (the sequel to the original Grudge). I watched in a room full of men and still jumped out of my seat more times than is acceptable. But it does make me wonder why the Japanese are so afraid of little girls with messy hair. That's probably why the Asian horror market has been sucking over here in the US for a while... the "scared of little girls with crazy hair" thing just doesn't translate on this side of the Pacific. What if we just took out the little girls and put in an evil clown or some midgets? I think that would work better."

Hilary, Superfluous Juxtaposition
"This one's easy. I absolutely positively hate scary movies, so I don't watch
them. Thus, I have no favorite. How's that for a hundred words or less?"

A.J., A.J.'s Piece of the Web
"My favorite scary movie is The Changeling (1980) starring George C. Scott (Patton, Dr. Strangelove). Though 25 years old, The Changeling has aged VERY well (better than I have). Here's the logline: "A man retires to a lonely mansion and begins to experience supernatural occurrences linked to the house's evil past." This movie has everything: slow, spooky, spine tingling scenes and swallow-your-gum, shriek-out-loud shocking scenes; all wrapped in a great mystery. I can't reveal much more without spoiling it, but let me just say that you'll never look at an empty wheelchair the same way again. Netflix this one now."

Helena, Blood and Guts
"The Stuff (1985) made me afraid of yogurt. When miners find this substance oozing from the earth, they do what anyone else would do—taste it! And wouldn't you know, it's downright delish? The product is mass-marketed, catchy jingle and all—Can't Get Enough of The Stuff! Things are peachy until people become inexplicably addicted to it, and start turning into horrible, jaw-unhinging zombies. Is this a Delicious Dessert? Or Mind-Controlling Alien Being? Thankfully, this disaster would be impossible today, as I'm sure The Stuff is so loaded with carbs that nobody would eat it in the first place."

Reagan, Glory Fades & the now defunct Tale of Two Cities
"the exorcist, b/c when i was but a fetus growing in my mother's womb, she and my father rented the movie for what i'm assuming was a romantic evening indoors. up until this point, i was to be a meagan. like reagan, but with an "m." however, while watching regan aka linda blair vomit pea soup and fuck herself with a cross, my parents (again, i'm assuming) looked at each other, my father possibly laid his hand upon my mother's stomach, and in that moment of silent agreement i became reagan. so no, i was not named after the president."

Liz, Greenfireburning
"Lord of the Rings: Return of The King ~ Everyone has their quirks -- midgets, clowns, anal sex, midget clowns having anal sex. Me? It's the giant spiders that haunt fantasy films. You get a spider so big that you can see those eight horrid eyes and razor-sharp pinchers... Ghastly. So while I very much enjoyed the gay hobbits and epic warfare, there are large portions of ROTK I have never seen because I was curled into a ball, eyes tightly closed, hoping that the horrid squeals of Shelob were almost over. Once, I let myself peek… for long enough to choke back a scream."

Lonnie, Crushed By Inertia
"MY FAVORITE SCARY MOVIE: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre ~ Tobe Hooper's 1974 masterpiece is so simple, so rudimentary, with its amateur cast and zero-budget production, that the scares and violence feels more authentic. Like in the similarly-chilling Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer, the killings in the film aren't gruesome, over-the-top set pieces like you'd see in a Wes Craven or Dario Argento movie. They're mundane tasks, chores even, performed by guys who presumably commit these sorts of atrocities all the time. I think it's why Hooper chose to open his movie with the soon-to-be-chainsaw-massacred teenagers driving past a slaughterhouse. Leatherface isn't killing people like some brilliant methodical serial killer. People are not a challenge for him, they're not the ultimate prey. He kills them like a farmer might kill a cow, with no feeling or remorse. We're just meat to Leatherface. Now that's disturbing."

Neil, Citizen of the Month
"I do not have a favorite scary movie because I hate scary movies. I've never seen a movie with either Jason or Freddie. I know, I'm a total wimp. The scariest movie I've ever seen was a 70's movie called The Omega Man with Charleton Heston. Chuck is pretty much the only normal man alive after some sort of nuclear disaster. Everyone else is some sort of zombie that only comes out at night. And these zombies are scary as hell, with creepy makeup and really ugly 70's clothes. I can still visualize the scary faces of these zombies. Maybe I'll see if I can watch it again on Halloween. Maybe I've gotten braver with age."

Atlas, Assistant Atlas
"I'm not a big fan of scary movies, since screaming like a schoolgirl is bad for my rep. That said, Dario Argento's Suspiria is one sweet-ass horror movie. It's got all the classic elements-- such as an all-girls boarding school with evil teachers-- plus, it's got that soundtrack which has me all Pavlov-ed out. Every time I hear that eerily happy melody, I start nervously looking around for ballerina witches."

Megan, Overeducated and Underemployed
"I am easily scared. As a child, I made my friend's mom take me home from Goonies before it even started because the trailer shown before was vaguely frightening. I tell you this because I feel I must disclose that the number of "scary movies" I have seen is small. Still, I can say with confidence that among them (and all others), Watcher in the Woods is the awesomest. To summarize: Old Bette Davis. Spooky mirrors. Backwards spelling. ALIENS. A seven year-old Megan at her final New York sleepover before moving west. A fear that followed her to California. Nerak!!!"

Thank you everyone for your participation. I ditto all of the choices AND recommend all of the above sites for content that is way better than the Average Joe blogger. If anyone wants to participate in future "In 100 Words Or Less" posts, drop me a line. I like fanmail. I also like hatemail. Okay, I'm just trying to fill up my Gmail account (now hovering at 13%). Let's work together to make that happen.

king kong-sized spell-checking error...

2005-10-27T16:26:00.000-07:00

If this in fact the real deal and they're like me, old school King Kong fans should be mega-psyched about this brand new poster for the Peter Jackson-helmed update coming to the multiplexes this Xmas.

Adrien Brody, on the other hand: not so much.

But, hey. As Meat Loaf once sang, "Two out of three ain't bad."

ben affleck is the parking-ticket-getting-out-of master...

2005-10-27T12:26:00.000-07:00

Pop quiz hotshot: you're Ben Affleck. You have starred in a plethora of successful and not-so-much successful Hollywood films. You've gone to the Starbucks on Robertson to pick up an iced coffee for yourself and nothing for your about-to-burst-pregnant wife. As you're walking out to your expensive car already dressed up for Halloween as Executive Banker Guy With Goatee, you notice you're being ticketed by the parking meter maid (or, maybe, someone dressed up as a parking meter maid?). What do you do? WHAT DO YOU DO??? Maybe something like this???

Or this?

Or maybe even this??

This has been Ben Affleck: Parking-Ticket-Getting-Out-Of-Master.

truthfully, it's a honor just to get a dismissal letter...

2005-10-26T23:42:00.000-07:00

Does anyone else watch "The Apprentice: Martha Stewart???" If not, you should be. I watch it for two reasons. Number one, that guy Jim might be the best reality player ever. He's crazy, man!! Number two, I like Martha Stewart's personal dismissal letters she writes at the end of every episode to the loser. I'd be on the show just for that. I wonder if she actually sends them, though. I'd demand it so I could frame it. And maybe put it on a lazy susan in a plastic viewing box like something you'd see at the Louvre. My mom would be proud of my personal dismissal letter, I know.

I imagine it'd look something like this:

if you value sanity, don't buy this new dvd for your girlfriend/wife...

2005-10-25T17:42:00.000-07:00

Here's how it started (HOURS AGO!!!):

"Can we watch it when we get home?? Please!! Please!!"

"Uggggghhhh...please no."

"Come on!! Please!!"

"Aw right. Just the extra footage. But not the entire movie. I can't watch that three-hour thing again."

"YES! Okay."

"Promise?"

"I promise."

This is meant as more of a disclaimer for all boyfriends/husbands everywhere. This DVD has, at my most recent estimation, about 8 hours of extra features. They. Never. End. James Cameron has pulled out the stops to ensure that Titanic lovers know every possible minute detail about the movie. I'm being forced, at knifepoint, to watch an array of documentaries on set and costume design. For Christmas sakes, if you're my real friend, reading this and have my phone number, CALL ME. I'll pretend that you're out of gas on the 405 or something and it'll give me an excuse to leave the apartment. I know what you're thinking. Hahaha...I'm so not even kidding.

eight reasons to go see kiss kiss, bang bang...

2005-10-24T13:07:00.000-07:00

8. That friggin' poster. Holy crap. I'm not above saying I've been to see movies just because they had a cool poster. And that is a cool poster.

7. Writer/director Shane Black. I think I already covered this in my Batman Begins review this past summer, but...remember when you were a kid and you watched movies and they had those cool moments when you'd look to your friend next to you in the movie theater (that you'd snuck into, btw) and you both did the "Daaaaaaammmmmnnnn!!" face?? I remember doing that exact thing when I went to see Black's The Last Boy Scout. As an 11-year-old, that whole opening football field scene and the way if played out was AWESOME. I think I might have dropped my Skittles when it happened. And even though I love Skittles, I didn't care. It was a great opening scene!! Anyways, Shane Black (who also wrote The Monster Squad, the Lethal Weapons and Long Kiss Goodnight) is exemplary in writing those Skittle-dropping, "Dammmmnnnn" moments. Kiss Kiss has them by the bushel.

6. Boobs. It's got them. I'm neither a prude nor a guy that thinks every movie should have boobs. But nothing's worse than seeing a stripclub scene where you know the filmmakers were trying to limit the nudity. Strippers should not be wearing turtlenecks. If the main actress is as hot as Michelle Monaghan AND she gets naked, that's icing on the boob cake. And, let's face it, everyone loves boob cake.

5. Use of narration. This might be seen as a stretch ("you like a movie b/c of the narration??"), but this movie uses a narration in a way I've never seen before. Throughout, the narrator is constantly aware that's he's narrating a movie. So he drops hints, keeps a self-deprecating tone and stops and plays the movie at certain points. It's really weird and crazy and hard to describe. But good.

4. Corbin Bernen's in it. Anyone who loved Major League as much as I did knows that guy should have more work than he's been getting. And, lately, it's been none. Go him.

3. I might be wrong, but I believe most of the movie was filmed in Los Angeles. And behind the whole strippers in turtlenecks thing, nothing sucks more than watching an L.A.-based film and you look at it and say, "Dude, that's not L.A. That's Vancouver. Liars!!" Really. It throws me out of the movie. I hate it.

2. Val Kilmer. Has everyone seen Real Genius? If you haven't, rent it. If you have, you know Val Kilmer can be HI-LARIOUS. Sometimes I imagine myself in the future writing a really good comic script and hiring a bunch of actors (a la Quentin Tarantino) that haven't gotten the chance in the last few years to excel in the way I think they could. He will be towards the top of my list. Val Kilmer should be making more comedies. And he's like a fatter, puffier Val Kilmer now, which is funny in itself. He's perfect in this movie.

1. Robert Downey Jr. Truth be told, one of my favorite actors. When I think of RDJ, I think of the type of actor similar to old Chevy Chase. Like old CC, RDJ just seems lighting quick. In his movies, in his interviews...he's just a smart guy. And then he had all those troubles and it was like, "Stop it man. You're way too smart and way too talented to waste all it." And now he's back. And he's got that same zing you remember him having. And he's the BEST thing about this movie. He looks good, he looks like he's having fun and he pairs up perfectly with Kilmer. If they don't do more movies together, it will be a gigantic waste because chemistry like that doesn't come along in Hollywood that much these days.

In conclusion, don't go see The Fog. Don't go see Doom. Go see this movie when it comes to town (it's in limited release now). If you're not, at the very least, moderately entertained, you can blame me. I'll call you crazy and do the loony chicken dance (a la GOB from Arrested Development), but you can still blame me.

shannen doherty is not dating matt leinart...

2005-10-21T10:52:00.000-07:00

I'm not one to call shenanigans on Page Six reports, but the chances of Shannen Doherty dating Matt Leinart, USC quarterback and current king of the sports world, is about one in a billion.

Unless...he has the power to metamorphisize into little dudes that look nothing like himself. Because the guy we see her holding hands with above, on their way into the same Mood party, is not Matt Leinart.

To put it into more perspective, Matt Leinart is 6'5'', 225 lbs. Shannen Doherty, on her least angry days, is pushing about 5'4''.

Now, I guess there is a very small (teeny tiny) possibility that Shannen could have done a run-by-make-outing after she got inside the club without Mr. Shorter-Dude seeing her. But why in the world would Matt Leinart make out with kryptonite like Shannen Doherty in the first place?? That's like eating some chop round when you have about a billion filet mignons calling your name from the fridge. Strike that. They're not even in the fridge. They're already cooked up and sitting on your freakin' plate. And you're practically the guy sitting on the beach in the Corona commercials. And you're gonna turn your back on that for some grocery store chop round?? Not gonna happen. Sorry. USC fans can now exhale.

"your blog seems to have an attitude problem..."

2005-10-20T12:26:00.000-07:00

INT. CLASSROOM - AFTERNOON

"Hello Mrs. Smith. Thank you for meeting with me today."

"My pleasure. Thank you."

"I'm sure you're wondering why I scheduled a parent-teacher meeting in such an impromptu manner, so I'll just get down to it..."

"Please."

"It's about your blog's attitude."

"My blog?"

"Yes, m'am. Your blog seems to have an attitude problem. I believe that your blog's behavior in the past few days has become detrimental to the class as a whole."

"I'm sorry. But are you sure we're talking about the same blog? My blog?"

"Yes Mrs. Smith. I'm sure it's not what you expected to hear. No parents want to come into a meeting with a teacher, or anyone for that matter, and hear that their blog is underperforming."

"Of course."

"Well...today your blog started bragging about his site statistics during lunch."

"His father and I have warned him about that. We even took away posting time for an entire week. We thought that had fixed the problem."

"Truth be told: that was minor. But then he pulled out his blogroll at playtime."

(SHOCKED) "NOT MY BLOG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"M'am. Please. This is not that serious."

"I will assure you. My little blog doesn't do such things!!!"

"Mrs. Smith, I've been teaching blogs for 20 years. These blogs are still developing. It's perfectly normal for them to compare themselves to other blogs at a young age. They want to make sure they're normal. They want to be accepted. But pulling out blogrolls in plain view of other blogs and comparing sizes is unacceptable in a public schooling atmosphere. Maybe you should consider a more specialized private school?"

"Are you telling me how to tag my blog???"

"No I'm not. I'm just saying that he might have special needs."

"My blog should have the same chance to survive in the blogosphere as anyone else's. He is special. But special in a good way. Not a movie-of-the-week-blogging-disabled way. Maybe you should take a look in the mirror at your own blogroll. Perhaps it's not as long as you thought?"

"There's no need to get personal, Mrs. Smith. And we all know that size doesn't really matter. But you should know: private schools today regularly send their blogs to the nation's top blogiversities."

"We will do no such thing. I went to a public school, his father went to a public school and our blog will go to a public school. How is he supposed to form long-lasting blog friendships if he goes to a school with only 100 or so blogs? He'll never be linked!!"

"I understand. Linking is important to the youth of today."

"Important?? After wearing a template that doesn't look like it was bought at Wal-Mart, it's the most important thing. Hell, my parents didn't want me to link before marriage. Guess what? I did. A lot."

"Again, maybe a little too much information. But I appreciate your honesty."

"I'm not delusional. In a few years, my little blog will have no time for me. He'll begin to experiment. Podcasting, videoblogging. Stuff we would never have thought of doing when we were young. He'll be linking all around town. And who am I to judge? Better do it now and get it all out of his system."

"Hmmm...well, time's up. This meeting has been very informative. I believe that you have your blog's best interests at heart. (gets up to shake hands) Thanks for coming."

"No. Thank you. (starts to walk out of room but turns around, thinking) Can I ask you one more thing?"

"Of course."

"Can I add you to my blogroll?"

"Well...okay. I guess we have some things in common."

"YAY!!!!"

THE END

lindsay lohan did not win the $340 million powerball...

2005-10-19T16:27:00.000-07:00

And she looks kinda pissed about it.

But she is slowly winning back my heart in other ways.

Two ways, to be exact.

Related: Why in the sam hell are people betting the "Lost" numbers in the Powerball?? Do they not watch the show?? These are probably the same type of people who insist on saying Candyman in the mirror five times while I'm in the room!! I'll have none of it!! He is one scary dude! No means no!

ethan hawke: friend to all cracked-out nyc squirrels...

2005-10-19T13:32:00.000-07:00

"When Ethan Hawke doesn't read the latest squirrel news, the Ethan Hawke NYC Day Camp is unknowingly put in danger's way."

Let this be an example to all celebrities everywhere that if the squirrel is close enough to you to jump on your face, he may just decide to jump on your face. Especially if the squirrel's seen Snow Falling On Cedars. Squirrels are all vengeful like that. They hate boring movies and every actor in them. I asked one about it once, but I was at least 20 feet away. Standing warily. With a gun. And a Nerf ball.

fantasia barrino's pants are on fire, y'all...

2005-10-18T16:46:00.000-07:00

The only thing funnier than Fantasia Barrino's Godzilla-like attack on my hometown of High Point, North Carolina and some people's insane views of it being a stab in the back is this unbelievably dumb website that JUDO CHOPS!!!! her anti-HP bombs with a barrage of points, lackluster counterpoints and (most definitively) illuminating research:

In a totally unscientific study performed this weekend at the Oak Hollow Mall, Home Depot, Yamax, Chic Fil A, 2 Cookouts, 42 cruisers, we (Jennifer & I) asked 300 randomn [sic] people, "before American Idol 3, had you heard of Fantasia Barrino" a whopping 2 people had. from this, i can't understand where she was the "bad girl to everyone in town"

Once you've lost the Cook Out vote, you've lost High Point. That's the city's hub of milkshake consumption, y'all. She might as well be blackballed from ever stepping foot in town again. Or at the very least tied to High Point's own 80 foot-tall "World's Largest Chest Of Drawers" and mocked all hard-and-angry-like (aka some slurrin', a lil' spittin' while we tawk bout ya with the normal finger-pointin' thing). That's the Southern way.

In conclusion, hobbies much??

Bonus: "Hey, she lied t'us. She did too got air!!"

how every paris hilton photo op should go...

2005-10-18T15:20:00.000-07:00

I see actors begging for change at the 7-11 now. I would drop some coin in their hand everytime if one of them would follow Paris around the city doing the bunny ears 24-7. It would never get old. Roosevelt, LAX, Koi, Mood, etc. They might even get an acting job out of it. Heck, odds are in their favor that they could get laid if they did it quick enough that she didn't notice. Just stay on the left side. That's her lazy eye side. Also, if they were ultra-fast enough (like The Flash fast), it would neat if someone ran past her really fast with a Sharpie and drew on a Hitler mustache. For that, I would pay double.

Related: The only way I'd watch another season of "The Simple Life" (in a pic)

how television works...

2005-10-18T11:06:00.000-07:00

Dear Person Who Left This Voicemail on My Machine,

I'm sorry that I haven't returned your call. But you didn't leave a phone number. First of all, I think you had the wrong number to begin with. I'm not your cable provider, your TV-set provider or your "Soul Provider." I'm just another guy with a TV. And sometimes I also get angry when I watch a show or movie I like and it doesn't instantly come on the next day. But, like all American TV viewers, I just assume that it will come on again if I keep watching long enough. Usually at the same time on the same day of the next week. Unless it's a movie. Then I rent it from Netflix and they send it to me. It's all very complicated. Like that scene in Honey I Shrunk The Kids (I agree, a good movie) in which the ant dies. I used to say as a kid, "But why couldn't they save him!!!" But I didn't know then what I know now about ants and their fragile nature. Now I do. So it's less complicated. But the movie is still awesome. Especially when they eat the giant Oreo.

Sendcelery,
Me

how do you say "uggggghhh" in french??

2005-10-17T15:52:00.000-07:00

According to this news, this is a French prostitute.

And according to the floor, I might have just been sick.

But only a little. Ugggggh.

BTW, she (he??) totally ganked my concept for a new airline.* Or at least she (he??) put it on a sticker to "rally the troops." I would sue her (his??) skanky ass but something tells me she (he??) wouldn't be able to afford representation.

*Fly Sluts United. Everyone Else Does.

those "laguna beach" guys get all the ladies...

2005-10-17T11:49:00.000-07:00

If I was Dieter, I'd pick Jessica (left). And don't tell me that all guys care about is looks. That's bullcrap, man. I don't care how much makeup she puts on to make herself seem more attractive, Kristin (right) just doesn't do it for me. She and Steven should just get in his Tacoma and drive it straight into the ocean. And those purple bows in her hair (if that's what they even are??) are not sexy. Personally, I also think she needs a facelift. But that's just me.

"price is right," coffee and painkillers...

2005-10-17T10:55:00.000-07:00

Has anyone ever drank a bunch of coffee and taken some painkillers? Because that's what I just did and I think I watched an entire episode of "Price Is Right" at my cubicle. I did. I just zoned out and focused on nothing but Bob and his bevy of beauties for 60 whole minutes. I didn't even take a bathroom break. I just sat here and got all caught up in the drama. And I noticed certain things that one might only notice if they're hopped up on coffee/painkillers and watching a "PIR" episode:

The showmodels are better actresses than I thought. One of them just went from showing some office furniture (wearing office attire) to showing a snowmobile by putting on a winter coat over her office attire. But she sold it because I believed she was snowmobiling through the chilly Alps. What did she do? She did the "brrrr" body movement.
What if someone spun the big wheel so hard and so fast that it came unhinged and rolled down into the audience?? Would that not totally freakin' rule?? It's probably made of plastic. I'd take one for the team and stand in front of the audience to protect them if that happened.
While many have their favorite of the Plinko game, I still love the Punch-a-Bunch game. Mostly because of the whole punching thing. But also because I'd hope that they'd give me the real money as well as the huge fake money with Bob's face on it. So I could take it into a bank and try to cash it. My bank tellers are Russian. I bet they'd do it.
I also like the Cliffhanger Game. Not enough people actually yodel along with the music while the guy is climbing, though. That should be a required part of the game. And I would be that one guy to make a bunch of funny faces because that's what I think the producers are going for when they put your face in the silhouette thingee.
I would totally lick Bob's anorexic microphone if I got my name called up there. Just to see how he'd react. I've never seen someone do that and someone's got to before he dies.

When I first came to LA, I actually attended a taping of "PIR" with a group of friends. I think we ended up standing in line for like 10 hours. It was excrutiating. But I wore a really bright yellow t-shirt that said "Hi Mom" and my mom saw me on TV and told all her friends. So it was worth it. But I wouldn't do it again. Unless I had a huge gang of 100 or so friends where we all wore the same t-shirt. Or maybe we'd all wear business suits?? That would be kinda cool. To be truthful, I just want to be the guy that says, "One dollar, Bob!" Then I would go to my seat and let an old grandma take my place. Seriously. That would be the best part.

worst cankle tatoo ever...

2005-10-14T14:28:00.000-07:00

Must. Resist. Laughter. While. In. Office.

Yeah, I designed it myself. My mom helped me out with combining them. I wanted nsync and friends because they both helped me through a really rough time in my life, and the yinyang symbolizes peace which hopefully I will have now, and the circle because its forever It was $80.

Three. More. Hours. Might. Not. Make. It.

amanda bynes was a von trapp...

2005-10-13T16:55:00.000-07:00

Since I'm all about seeing really old pictures of today's starlets in costume, one of my hottest readers (hiyo!) sent me these pictures of a nine-year-old Amanda Bynes all dressed up for her local theater production of "The Sound of Music." Placed side by side with a picture of Bynes today, you see the most obvious change. Yep, it seems she's all growed up in the boobie area. Hell, in the second picture below, she looks high as a freakin' kite and her family looks drunk. What kind of production of "The Sound of Music" was this???

i'll be back...with your family's dvd rental of big momma's house...

2005-10-12T15:40:00.000-07:00

Could the following words be the prologue to Terminator 4??

Three billion human lives ended on August 29th, 2007. The survivors of the nuclear fire called the war Judgment Day. They lived only to face a new nightmare: the war against the machines. The computer which controlled the machines, Skynet, sent two Terminators back through time. Their mission: to destroy the leader of the human resistance, John Connor. Their other mission, to keep them busy while they were working out the kinks of that first mission: to ensure that Americans everywhere received their DVD's in a timely and convenient manner. That mission's codename was DVD's On The Run.

"Duh duh duh dit dunnuh...duh duh duh dit dunnuh!!" Oh, who am I kidding? This was all just an excuse to put a "Hi My Name Is Steve" sticker on a Terminator. I am obviously so very tired. Good night.

borat might be cyberstalking me...

2005-10-11T15:32:00.000-07:00

The background: this past spring, I interviewed for a position on an extremely secretive TV show in a nondescript office in Beverly Hills. They couldn't tell me the name of the show. But A) one of the big qualifications was that I would have to be able to lie to people to get interviews, B) the executive producer was British and C) they asked me twice if I had ever seen "Da Ali G Show." In the end, I didn't get the job. But everytime I think about it, I still believe it was an interview either for the secretive third season of "Ali G" or the supposed Borat movie.

Then, recently, this Borat adds me on as a Myspace friend. I quickly looked it over and found that, yes, that could be him. That's his picture and his home country of Kazakhstan right there. Or, since these facts are public knowledge, this could be a Borat copycat. Sneaky. So I accepted "his" friend request and waited...until today.

Putting on my "Murder She Wrote" cap, I hypothesized that if someone really wanted to get to me, they wouldn't mess with me. They'd go around me and mess with the people on MY BLOGROLL!!! Then, I saw the following Jdate email sent to and posted by the fabulous Miss Super Jux, just yesterday:

Hi, my name is XXXXXXX
Be not surprised to this letter, I have decided to write to you because has felt, that you, probably, which unique the woman I search for that also which approach me. In this letter I want to tell to you slightly about myself: To me of 33 years, I the young, attractive, cheerful man with a hansom figure. I live new york city of Bronx, But i come from West Africa Ghana Accra. I work as the Accountant in mining company, I like my work. At leisure I am engaged in sports , I go to campaigns, sometimes in theatre or simply I walk, like to listen to music and to read books. I search kind, loving(liking), reliable for the woman. It(she) should be the clever, interesting interlocutor, with sense of humour love children. The age, color of hair, a figure not so are important for me, the most important is his(its) character and the serious attitude(relation) to a marriage(spoilage). I hope, that you were interested with my letter and can see your answer. Mine E-mail address is, xxxxxxxx@yahoo.com
I wait with impatience, XXX

It's almost as if Borat banded together with Dr. Clement Okon to write a love letter. Half of me is laughing and the other half is thinking they will stop at nothing to take me down. Down to Chinatown!!! Please take this as evidence if I mysteriously disappear someday. Or if you see me in Chinatown and I look scared as if someone's taken me hostage. If that occurs, pay attention to my face, because sometimes I go there and eat good food and everything's cool. Sorry this is so complicated but this is my life we're talking about. Thanks.

stop doing that, charlize theron (and other quick observations from last night's l.a. events)...

2005-10-11T11:10:00.000-07:00

My show's premiering this weekend, so I'm freakin' up to my nose in work. But here's what happened around town last night while I was stuck in an editing bay:

"If you wouldn't want to look like a dude, please don't wear dude-like hairdos." -Me

How the Leann Rimes household applies their lipstick every morning??

Steve Sanders knows that we know that he has his own personal Primer storage unit (but will he use his powers to finally save Cowboy Scott!!???).

I want the Beach Boys to play my birthday party next year. But only if Uncle Jesse plays the drums. And only then if they play "Kokomo" at least twice. And only then then if they can also play the rest of the Cocktail soundtrack, just for chips and giggles. "Wild Again" could be Starship's most underrated masterpiece. No lie.

fat joe fails at easiest rebound ever...

2005-10-10T14:00:00.000-07:00

After thinking he had successfully wooed her with his large collection of oversized shirts and sweet belly-shaking dance moves, Fat Joe tried to move in on the recently-single Paris Hilton in Las Vegas this weekend. Unfortunately, when Fat Joe made the approach for that all-important first kiss, Paris did the unspeakable (at least, you know, for her): SHE LAUGHED IN HIS FACE!!!

So, in embarrassment, Joe promptly ate Paris, her sister Nicky AND the thousand-or-so clubbers who unfortunately witnessed the event.* Allegedly. Thank you, Fat Joe, for turning a negative for yourself into a positive for the world.

*With proof being this photo, one member of the paparazzi did survive. He was spared because he was "very little and not very tasty-looking," a spokesman for Fat Joe said. Joke's on him, though, because that paparazzi was actually a member of the Keebler Elves who, when not clubbing in Vegas, lives in a hollowed-out tree full of endless and tasty chocolaty treats. Oh sweet sweet irony.

five things that make lindsay lohan angry when going out to lunch...

2005-10-09T23:12:00.000-07:00

1. When creepy sweatshirt guys ask for her autograph right as she walks in the door. Seriously, dude. LET HER EAT. She actually wants to now. And tell your Latino friend to stop hiding behind that wall. It's freakin' everyone out.

2. When the chef doesn't scramble her breakfast scramble quite enough. If she would have been at Toast, someone would have been cut. Luckily, today she was at the Newsroom Cafe (coincidentally, the employer of the guy she plowed into with her car this week). So, as a sign of goodwill, she'll instead resort to placing her hand in the air like she's in 11th grade English class. Take too much time, though, and it might lead to number three...

3. When guys wear high-waisted, pleated pants around her. She'll point you out and tear you a new one for this. Bad childhood memories about looking through the annual Sears Christmas catalog or something.

4. Being recognized as she's leaving the restaurant even though she's hidden behind a purse, her wallet and her friend's sweater. Usually, this would render her invisible. But, again, she had just sent a guy to the hospital who works at that EXACT restaurant. So...regular invisibility rules do not apply. Frankly, I'm surprised she wasn't wheatgrassed to death.

5. Wearing bras.

how am i supposed to care about nick and jessica when i still know nothing about the classmates.com couple??

2005-10-06T14:11:00.000-07:00

I see them EVERYWHERE!! But beside the facts that THEY GOT MARRIED and have a gaggle of kids, the juicy details on their relationship are nowhere to found. Does he love her? Does she love him? Is she a wild child or is she really as intellectual as her spectacles suggest? Is she styling her hair now to make her look less dudelike? He's an idiot, isn't he? Or is he a smart jock? Did he accept a challenge to turn her into prom queen? Did he win? Is that how their love bloomed? Does he still have that V-cut shirt? Why does he part his hair so far over? Do their kids know how famous their folks are? Are they kinda pissed that the ad describes their beautiful union in such an incredulous manner? With a question mark AND an exclamation point?! Are they getting a cut of some serious Classmates.com dough, because they're undoubtedly the official faces of the brand? Have they leveraged that fame into any kind of book, TV or movie deals? You know what? How bout their names? I just want to know their names!!!!*

*Until then, their fake names will be Piper and Axl.

PIPER/AXL UPDATE: Someone just sent me this. Now with 2 exclamation points and 2 question marks!!?? How far can they go?!?!?!?!

PIPER/AXL UPDATE 2: Ohhhh, you can't fool me Sam From The Classmates Member Care Team!! Piper and Axl are real!! Real I tell you!! In real life and in people's hearts! You can't "act" or "employee" true love like that! What? Are their 7 kids all acting as well? The search continues...

PIPER/AXL UPDATE 3: Man, the internet is like magic. I love it. Allegedly, there could be a 20-year age gap between these lovebirds!! Just think, if we can somehow find Piper and Axl and have them somehow meet, it could be just like the end of Sleepless in Seattle. It would just click. Or something. Anyway, here's the latest possible 411 (according to comments):

PIPER = Her real name may be Susan; maybe married to Edward and graduated in 1979
AXL = Could have gone to Wall High School in NJ and graduated in 2001 OR could have gone to Georgetown District High School in Georgetown, Ontario, Canada and graduated around 1998 or 1999

(insert Journey's "Don't Stop Believin" here)

PIPER/AXL UPDATE 4:

SLUT!!!! SOMEONE OWES EVERYONE AN EXPLANATION!!!

NOOOOOOO!!!! HE LOVED YOU, PIPER!!! AND GAVE YOU 7 KIDS!!!

AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY HIM????

WTFFFFFFFFF!!!

(I hope the number of F's properly portrays my disgust at this unsettling discovery. I'm going to take a couple of Advils and just lie down and watch Oprah. GOD NO!! LOOK WHAT THIS HAS DONE TO ME!!)

PIPER/AXL UPDATE 5:
Well well...look who just went and TRADED UP BIG TIME!!!

HIGH FIVE, AXL!!! You've turned a complete 180 and I feel that it's been for the better. Ta-dow, my man. Miss Goldiluscious should help you to forget Misswhathername in no time. As for the kids...well, they're forever. A permanent semi-ugly forever mark on your record. Good luck and godspeed, dude.

PIPER/AXL UPDATE 6:
Well...just look at this.

Piper: America's Next Top Model. I love how I'm now the point person for all things Piper and Axl. I get Gawker Stalker updates on their whereabouts at least once a week. I want to MEET THEM! I will not stop until I do. Their story needs to be told. It deserves a major motion picture treatment. Don't say you won't go to see "When Piper Met Axl." Pure solid gold.

PIPER/AXL: THE FINAL UPDATE (10/26/06)
After 385 days, 47 comments and roughly 18 emails, we've cracked the case. WE'VE TRACKED DOWN THE 2 MEMBERS OF THE GREATEST INTERNET LOVE STORY OF ALL TIME, PIPER & AXL!!!!!!

WOW. With the help of enterprising journalists, dreams do come true. I'd like to say hello to the real life "Piper" and "Axl." And I'm sorry, "Piper," that I didn't follow your bread crumbs (she left anonymous comments below) quickly enough. Read all about the not-married, un-seven-kidless couple HERE!!

paris hilton screwing next to a pool...

2005-10-05T22:36:00.000-07:00

This girl has no shame. No shame at all.

BTW, she also obviously has no clue what she is doing. She should totally be gleaming the cube instead.

(via my cousin Mr. Dude Man)

tom cruise finally puts his sperm where his mouth is...

2005-10-05T15:05:00.000-07:00

He's 100% hetero everyone!! Just like he's been telling us all along.

This is such good news. After this past summer, in which I obsessed about the utter awesomeness of Tom Cruise to no end, I was getting worried that no news meant unawesome news. Luckily, I had set up a huge contraption made of pulleys and levers and rolling things like Pee Wee had in Pee Wee's Big Adventure to wake me up if Tom Cruise came back to his senses and started doing crazy things again. So he did. And it did. Thank you, TomCruiseDoesSomethingAwesome5000. Thank you.

lindsay lohan needs an anti-paparazzi stick...

2005-10-05T00:57:00.000-07:00

Looking at these pre-accident pics, there's NO WAY the paparazzi was in any way shape or form involved in Lohan's wreck. Gosh no. Unless you count the one photographer that was hanging from the side mirror. Or the other one that pinned himself to the undercarriage. Or that one chick that likes to jump off buildings into your backseat. Ahhh...good times. In conclusion, walking around Beverly Hills for some celebrities is exactly like that scene from Dawn of the Dead when they try to leave the mall. Only these zombies have huge cameras, smell worse and scream your name at the top of their lungs. Kinda makes you miss the brain-eating ones, right?

best game of red rover...ever???

2005-10-04T22:58:00.000-07:00

Sheesh. I had no idea that the Pussycat Dolls were this...hookerbooty. The only other thing I can say about this photo is: I hope none of them have that Avian Flu thing.

Because, you know, I've heard it travels fast.

Especially when you're writhing together with fishnets.

Don't ask me. It's science.

lindsay lohan should just buy stock in maaco...

2005-10-04T20:13:00.000-07:00

Even though her breast size has almost gone back to normal, Lindsay Lohan is still driving around our Los Angeles streets like it's the last lap in a NASCAR race. Today, she got into another accident driving the same exact car (but, of course, brand new) as her bangup last time on La Cienega, but just a couple streets over on Robertson Blvd. in front of Newsroom Cafe.

Besides the fact that she "hid out" at the Hideaway House, which is CLASSIC by the way, this is same old same old. I'm sure whether they're involved or not, the paparazzi will be blamed for her speeding. And the other guy, I hope, is okay. But it would have been much cooler if someone (or something) mysterious would have jumped out of the van once she hit it. Like a gang of clowns. Or a coke monster. Or a gang of clowns riding on the back of a coke monster. I'm not saying or insinuating in any way that LL has ever used or even seen coke. But, admit it, if you were an eyewitness and saw a coke monster with a bunch of clowns chasing her, you'd have to at least consider it.

i want everyone to know that it took me more than a month to write this 101 random things about me meme...

2005-10-04T00:58:00.000-07:00

In an effort to stop the emails (mostly from my grandmother, who seems to be a little obsessed with email forwards), as well as to let everyone know a little bit more about me, I have finally done it. I've finished one of those meme things. Sooo, let's kick the tires and light the fires:

1. I grew up in pretty much the same hometown as Fantasia Barrino.
2. The only food I loathe is egg salad.
3. I ride with my cell phone under my leg on vibrate so that I know if someone calls me over the loud music I play while I drive.
4. My favorite movie as a kid was The Goonies. I watched it so much that the VHS copy actually broke one day when my little brother was playing it. So I put him in the dryer and wouldn't let him out.
5. I've seen Aladdin, The Little Mermaid AND Beauty and the Beast - ALL in their Disney On Ice versions.
6. My favorite place to eat in LA is a Mediterranean food "hole in the wall."
7. I joined Myspace because of gang pressure. Add me and we'll be best Myspace buddies. Seriously. Do it. It'll be awesome.
8. Sometimes I just get an extreme urge to play Rollerball.
9. I once got a haircut at a hotel in Vegas and didn't remember any of it.
10. Someday I'm going to buy a Slip 'N Slide and spend forever finding the proper grassy area for it.
11. I think one of my windshield wipers wipes improperly. And, to tell you the truth, it's really freaking me out.
12. My 2nd favorite Corey/Corey movie is Dream A Little Dream. I even have the soundtrack With Richard Marx's "Rock On" on tape.
13. My favorite word is fiduciary.
14. I keep drinking Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper and I can't stop.
15. This site is my new favorite music site.
16. I didn't have a sweet sixteen party like those girls on MTV. I had mine at a bowling alley.
17. My favorite Atari game was Pitfall. But I was horrible at jumping over the lake with the alligator heads.
18. Rememember #14? Since writing that, I've gotten another DCVDP.
19. I worry that this blog has become too gossipbloggy.
20. I can't stand Kelsey Grammer.
21. I've had the same alarm clock since I was 12.
22. My favorite current band is The Black Keys.
23. I wish I could clone myself to comment on blogs I like more.
24. I still quote from Multiplicity and I don't know why.
25. "Hey Steve. Want some more pizza, Steve?"
26. See? Who would get that anyway?
27. I've lost three cell phones in the past year.
28. As a kid, I was extremely good at foosball. Now? Not so much.
29. In college, I flew out to LA and got wasted - all on Steven Speilberg's tab.
30. I don't mind bugs. I don't mind snakes. But I HATE rats.
31. I still have a portable CD player in my car.
32. This CD is currently in that player.
33. As a kid, my faves on TV were "Dukes of Hazzard" and Nickelodeon (especially "You Can't Do That On Television" and "Double Dare.")
34. If LA folks haven't been to the Museum of TV & Radio in Beverly Hills, you should. You can watch ANY TV SHOW you want!! It's amazing.
35. My dad used to look like Steven Seagal. So, as a kid, we'd go to restaurants and sometimes get VIP seating.
36. I'm on a huge cantaloupe kick of late.
37. Remember that song "Cantaloop?" That song was awesome.
38. My current favorite TV show is "24."
39. I have the cheapest ice trays imaginable in my freezer.
40. My neighbors must think I'm an extremely violent person b/c of #39.
41. I've always driven a Ford vehicle. In hindsight, a terrible idea.
42. When eating at a restaurant, I prefer sitting facing the door. Just in case of a fire. Or, you know, an asteroid.
43. I blame all of my childhood cavities on Skittles.
44. My senior year of high school, I had two Beta fish named G Love and Special Sauce. When I left for college, I had my grandmother take care of them. Her one instruction was that she had to talk to them using their proper names. That was fun.
45. One of my "Blind Date" activities would have to involve juggling knives.
46. I once completely obliterated half my face in 2nd grade b/c I pretended I was Superman jumping off of a swing set.
47. I've attended six monster truck rallies in my lifetime.
48. I always have too many condiments in my fridge.
49. The first movie I remember seeing in a theater was "Gremlins."
50. Over our on-air announcements, I once gave away my high school media center's globe in a fake contest. For that, I received a Saturday detention.
51. I need to start bringing up "onomatopoeia" more in everyday conversation.
52. I wish I was a tad bit shorter so it'd be easier to find pants.
53. Re: #52, The Big & Tall store should be called Fat & Tall instead.
54. I always seem to sit next to or behind babies on airplanes.
55. I once dated a woman eight years older than me that I had met on an airplane. (She did not have a baby. Or so she told me.)
56. No matter how hard I try, I can never stop saying "y'all."
57. In college, my basketball nickname was Arvydas Sabonis.
58. I wish I would have stayed for a fifth year.
59. My favorite Cold Stone flavor is Peanut Butter Cup Perfection.
60. I've never seen one episode of any CSI.
61. I have a problem wearing watches.
62. I always have a feeling that someone at Bank of America is pulling the Office Space/Superman 3 scam on me.
63. I once gave Topanga from "Boy Meets World" a beer at a party.
64. A little Bahamian boy stole a picture of my girlfriend when I showed it to him on my college sophomore-year Spring Break.
65. Little Bahamian boys are fast runners.
66. The best concert I've ever been to was The Rolling Stones in 1997.
67. I've seen both New Kids On the Block AND Billy Ray Cyrus in concert.
68. My mom used to always buy me Bugle Boys shirts as a kid. I hated that.
69. In college, "dude man phat" was what my friends or I would say when things were really cool.
70. Often, I think I should have chosen a more memorable blog title.
71. I've used 12% of my Gmail account.
72. My favorite actor is Bill Murray.
73. If I see a Super K-Mart, I have to go to see how Super it really is.
74. It never seems to be Super enough.
75. I miss fireplaces with real wood.
76. I like to go to Home Depot and ring all the doorbells.
77. One day, I'm going to break down, buy a bunch of sheets and build a fort in my apartment.
78. Since I live in a studio, though, it'll be a small fort.
79. My favorite karaoke song is "Total Eclipse of the Heart."
80. I don't like regular cake that much but I LOVE ice cream cake.
81. I won "Best Sense of Humor" in high school but actively campaigned for "Best Dressed."
82. I currently have three fantasy football teams (Your Mom, Big Fat Mofos and Turd Ferguson).
83. This is the last meme I will ever do.
84. My favorite writer is John Steinbeck.
85. My first real job was working at a video store.
86. I'm taller than my current shower head.
87. Even though my girlfriend loves them, I hate Swiffer WetJet mops.
88. I seem to use paper towels in the place of napkins.
89. When I call my grandparents, I like to pretend I'm a telemarketer.
90. I usually use the name Leroy.
91. I hate using three hole punches because the holes, for some reason, always seem to fall on me.
92. I have only one scar and it's on my arm from punching a window.
93. Even though people say it will ruin the aura, I still want to go to "Sesame Street."
94. I also want to be a contestant on "Press Your Luck."
95. One of my favorite movies this year has to be Kung Fu Hustle.
96. I took karate as a kid but never got past white belt.
97. My college screenwriting professor wrote Fatal Beauty.
98. That movie was terrible but I told him I liked it.
99. I wish I knew more people who knew sitcom writers.
100. If "Arrested Development" is canceled this year, I will cry.
101. I want to buy a samurai sword but I'm afraid to put it in my apartment.

in his defense, fort dix does sound like fort dicks...

2005-10-03T12:01:00.000-07:00

Today's Imaginary Getty Images Conversation Between Star Jones And Star Jones's Slightly Effeminate Husband Al

Star: Baby, this is great.

Al: Yes. Tender moment.

Star: I'm glad we're sharing it together.

Al: Wait. Where are we again?

Star: At Fort Dix. You know, your brother is leaving for Iraq.

Al: Fort what?

Star: Dix.

Al: Huh?

Star: DIX.

Al: How do you spell that?

Star: D-I-X!

Al: Oh.

(Long silence)

Star: Why are you wearing a track suit?

Al: I was, um, just in a hurry to get here...I guess.

Star: Tender moment.

(Another long silence)

Al: I'm hungry now.

Star: Shhhhhh.

in honor of paris hilton being single again...

2005-10-02T21:53:00.000-07:00

I present a photographic work I would like to call:

Flies Recreating My Favorite Scene From 1 Night In Paris

(unedited pic via Flickr)

when jennifer lopez smiles, she looks nothing like jennifer lopez...

2005-09-30T20:26:00.000-07:00

Granted, a fresh Botox session can make smiling look a tad more difficult than it probably is. But, in theory, it's still supposed to turn you into the younger-looking version of yourself. Not Janice Dickinson. Although, that'd be a good trick for Halloween. I think I'd rather look like MacGuyver than Janice Dickinson, though. Then, while smiling, I'd be able to build the homeless some houses out of toothpicks and gum. Or fix the ozone with some bubble tape. Or, even better, fix the ozone with the homeless! Just staple some of them up there to cover those holes. I'm just kidding!! I would never use staples on the ozone. That's just wrong.

steve carell's first ever movie role...

2005-09-30T19:00:00.000-07:00

Why was Justin watching the terrible 1991 movie, Curly Sue (coincidentally the last movie John Hughes directed), on a Friday afternoon?

A) He's a loser
B) He's working on a project about really bad movies
C) He's scared of clowns
D) All of the above

If you chose D, you win, uhhh, this Curly Sue screencap of a 27-year-old Steve Carell in his first film role as Tesio the Waiter. He has 10 seconds of screentime and no speaking lines. He even discussed it briefly in this USA Today profile by saying, ""If you can spot me, I'll give you $10." So, for the next few weeks, because I'm a cheap bastard, I will be following Carell around town on my 10-speed bicycle looking for my reward. I'm not kidding. I'll even follow him in the snow if he decides to enter a skiing tournament. My bike has those capabilities.

"Ten dollars!! I want my TEN DOLLARS!!!!"

call me crazy, but i don't think anne hathaway wants to do princess diaries 3...

2005-09-30T00:53:00.000-07:00

Nothing screams ready-for-more-edgy roles like a future Skinemax flick. If Anne Hathaway wanted to prove she's all grown up and stuff, she could have at least decided to go naked for a theatrical release. No such luck, Ms. Thermopolis. Instead, her next film Havoc (costarring Bijou Phillips of all people) will be released direct-to-DVD November 29th in three different versions: R-rated, Unrated and (for those of you in office cubicles) Julie Andrews-rated (shown below).

(Click on Julie Andrews's heads for the NSFW pics)
(Full bright-tastic collage here)
EDIT: More pics/moving JulieAndrewsVision now found here.

you can pick your bloggers, you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your bloggers' noses...

2005-09-29T19:06:00.000-07:00

I was kinda surprised when I saw this picture from today's episode of MTV's "TRL." Mostly due to the fact that the show is still on the air (WTF, who knew?), but also because of I what I found lurking in the background:

The evidence is there, Trent.

Now, inquiring minds want to know:

Was it a pick or a scratch?

lindsay lohan starts making sense...

2005-09-29T00:38:00.000-07:00

Lindsay Lohan. On a beach like this. But nuder.

The best part about this story, besides the most obvious, is that Paris Hilton inspired someone. It might as well be "No Means Yes Day." Actually, you heard it here first. Today is officially "No Means Yes Day."

angelina jolie is like gollum, pope...

2005-09-28T12:02:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, celebrity PR is like a seesaw. Earlier today, it came out that Jennifer Aniston has been comparing Angelina Jolie to Gollum in casual conversation. I guess this would mean that Brad Pitt is the Ring and Aniston would be Frodo?? Hell if I know. But the fact that there's really no Gandalf in the equation made me lose interest quickly. Until...now. Jolie's daddy, Jon Voight, has piped up in the "Who Does Angelina Remind You Of War" because ~~his relationship with his daughter is so great~~ he's got a flick coming up. Whose name dropped? If you guessed the recently deceased Pope John Paul II, you win a Pop Tart:

I know how he (the pope) behaves with people and my daughter has the same response to people; she likes to interact with people.

Generalization Police!!! Wooooooo!! While we're at it, let's just go ahead and start comparing Angelina to Jesus. He loved interacting, right? But not the bloody Jesus like in that Mel Gibson movie. More like the sneaky Jesus who tells you to turn your head and then filches your boyfriend. Or the one that steals babies but tells everyone they're adopted. Or the one that says, hey, I'm totally not going to steal your WWJD bracelet idea, but goes behind your back and does it anyway!!! Hahaha, I'm just kidding about that last one, Jesus. We're cool.

EDIT: Wait a sec. The Pope is dead and Gollum died in some lava. Was Angelina in some kind of Final Destination incident with both of them that I didn't read about?

ozzy cheated on sharon with a cow...

2005-09-27T23:36:00.000-07:00

Not a big surprise here, but Ozzy Osbourne is one freaky dude. It came out today that he cheated on Sharon the day that baby Jack came home from the hospital. Okay, he really didn't cheat as much as pull the ole Robert Downey Jr. um-whose-bed-is-this trick. According to the Sun, Sharon describes the strange incident in her memoirs:

Ozzy was loaded when he got to the hospital. Then he collapsed and went home. My assistant popped in to see if he was OK and found him in bed with the nanny. She wasn’t a beautiful blonde — she was an ugly old cow.

If I learned anything from Mary Poppins, it's that I'm pretty sure British cows aren't designed for babysitting. Cows are meant for grazing, eating, milking and tipping. Even if you did decide that a cow watching your newborn could be anywhere in the ballpark of good ideas, wouldn't you want a hot, young cow for the position? Personally, I'd want the hottest cow in the neighborhood because I'm competitive like that. But I wouldn't make Ozzy's mistake of allowing the cow to live in my house because I would be afraid I'd be magically influenced into falling in love with the cow like the dad in Poppins. Especially if the cow sings songs to birds, cleans up toys by pointing at them and flies around with an umbrella. What's not to love, magic or not, when that's the case.

mtv europe music awards to be big like can of pepsi...

2005-09-27T19:39:00.000-07:00

Borat: If I host here, can I host in a room with a light?
MTV Europe: Yeah. Everyone gets to host in a room with a light.
Borat: Great success!!!!

when movie posters support salacious gossip...

2005-09-27T11:21:00.000-07:00

Usher prefers being man-handed 20% of the time.

before they were blogcrushes: the rebecca gayheart edition...

2005-09-26T23:24:00.000-07:00

Dear Ryan Murphy,

I finally caught up on most of the TV I missed last week due to the erratic hours of TV post-production. Today, I watched the season premiere of your show, "Nip/Tuck," now in its third season. The only thing I noticed is that A) it kinda-sorta sucked and B)I really miss blind Rebecca Gayheart. First, please stop the kinda-sorta suckage. Your show is way too good for that. Second, bring back the Gayheart. She needs to become a more frequent-er guest star. If she doesn't, I swear that I will continue to post embarrassing 80's hair pictures from her days back in high school. I've got a buttload. Don't tempt me.

~Justin

when boone's farm rose bouquets just won't do...

2005-09-26T21:03:00.000-07:00

I just received this email from a college buddy. It made my day:

Dude.

I just bought these for my mom.

She's a recovering alcoholic.

But she LOVES flowers!!!

That will not turn out well. 100% guaranteed.

kate moss finally catches a break...

2005-09-26T10:49:00.000-07:00

Congrats Kate!!

This reminds me of the first time I read "Purple" back in high school. My main gripe, which I voiced to the teacher, was that there wasn't enough coked-up supermodels in the classic book. She didn't agree and I was given afterschool detention. There wasn't enough coked-up supermodels in there either. But, hey, that's high school. The coked-up supermodels at my high school got to leave early every day. I'm still jealous and to this day constantly disappointed at the lack of coked-up supermodels everywhere I go. Especially the grocery store. And, you know, in my closet.

dakota fanning still talking bout old crap...

2005-09-23T10:15:00.000-07:00

Just when you thought Dakota Fanning couldn't get a bigger head in "the business," she goes and pulls something like bringing a two-month-old issue of Entertainment Weekly that proclaimed her as the "Most Powerful Actress In Hollywood" to her own movie premiere.

AND TOTALLY REDEEMS HERSELF!!!

Hell, I'd be doing the same thing. I once got all A's in third grade and I'm still carrying around that report card. I don't think it's helped much in my job interviews, but I always hope they recognize the struggles I've been through to keep from losing an 18-year-old piece of paper. Come to think of it, I should really laminate it. Do laminating stores even exist?

someday, even dakota fanning will be legal...

2005-09-22T23:26:00.000-07:00

(click to enlarge)

Oh come on. It's never too early to start looking towards the future.