dear sir francis bacon,

although i appreciate your works and your numerous additions to the renaissance as a whole, your fatty pork product has caused a chasm in my apartment. you see, my roommate is on the atkins diet and eats bacon every night, night after night, for supper. so much that i'm surprised that it doesn't ooze from his pores every evening as he has sex with his extremely skinny Indian girlfriend, who is also, coincidentally, on Atkins and bacon-stuffed.

i'm not asking you to change your name or anything. heavens no. i'm just asking to please write a literary journal denouncing atkins in your time (circa 1605). by the time your word reaches my time, it will be prose or maybe even an amendment. i know this will severely limit your diet and the diet of others but it's all for the best. thanks for your time and mad ups to ms. bacon.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, August 24, 2004 at 5:48 PM. You can skip to the end and leave a response.