Last night, Dateline NBC had a special expose on all the big fast food restaurants. And in the same way that Supersize Me made me want to go out and buy some McChicken Nuggets, the expose made me want to go out and get a Whopper, a Subway sandwich, and mainly, some tacos.

Yes, fast food restaurants are dirty. There's a chance that I might find a finger in my fries, a hair in my burrito or a rat in my fried chicken. But I don't care. It's cheap. I'm cheap. And as long as the taste is masked somewhat amongst the heart-attack inducing fat, heat that stuff up and add it in. Finger lickin' good.

In honor of NBC's expose, I decided to do my own. I call it, "List of Fast Food Items/Specials I Think Taste Good and Make Me Happy." It's very scientific.

10. Subway's addition of bread options
Was there ever a huge party commemorating this? 'Cause if there was, I didn't get the memo. That Jalapeno Cheese bread, I believe, is sold on the street by enterprising crackheads. It's that good.
9. Jack in the Box's new Chicken Ciabatta Sandwich
I haven't been back to JITB since someone played a cruel joke on me by saying their tacos were a.o.k. They lied to me. But this sandwich, even though I have yet to tastebud-molest it, looks hella-good. And I like the way its name slips off the tongue. "I eat my Ciabatta while dancing lambada with yo mama."
8. McDonald's Filet of Fish Friday
It looks disgusting as hell and it probably takes a day off my life each time I eat them. But it's $1 on one day of the week. And if they lined them up down Sunset Blvd. I'd probably gobble them up Pac-Man style.
7. KFC's bucket specials
I have a friend that swears his life on KFC. He buys a bucket and just puts it in his fridge every week. Like condiments. Just knowing it's in there makes you feel warm on the inside.
6. Burger King Croissanwiches
I'm ambivalent about most fast food breakfast items. If there was a hashbrown sandwich, that would be ideal. But if you catch me in the right mood, I will KILL YOU for a Croissanwich. Straight up. My only hope is that Hootie makes another oddly alluring BK song about my favorite breakfast sandwich.
5. The Fire Sauce at Taco Bell
La salsa es la bomba. Lo deseo al slather en todo que yo como y lo bebo tengo gusto de la sangre de bebés jóvenes. Si era extraño como ése. Pero no soy. Prometo.
4. The Double Whopper with Cheese
Saying you don't like the DWWC is like saying, "Hey, I don't like Samuel L. Jackson." Then I'd reply, "Well, why not?" "I don't know. I just don't. No real reason." And do you know why? 'Cause the burger is good. Damn good. And consistent. It started the whole "OMG, maybe people will like it if we make the burgers taste more like burgers" trend. I subscribe to that theory.
3. McDonald's #2 Two Cheeseburger Combo
This is like the Elvis of combos. No surprises. People always ask me, "Why don't you just get the Double Cheeseburger combo. Isn't it the same?" No. It. Is. Not.
2. "The Frankensteinization of Fast Food Restaurants"
I have a frequent dream that I'm lost in the desert. I've been out of food and water for days. I am literally crawling over a mountain looking for a quiet place to die. Then, literally a few feet ahead, a KFC/Taco Bell/Pizza Hut combo restaurant appears out of the blue. I look in my hand and I have an unlimited coupon. Best dream ever.
1. Wendy's Super Value Menu
There's not enough words to describe my love for the 99 cents menu that started it all. Dave Thomas was like a big chubby fast food messiah. He knew that sometimes I just wanted a 5 piece chicken nugget. Or a Jr Bacon Cheeseburger. Or a small Frosty. And he left it at that. No frills. Just food. Over the years, they played with the idea of a SuperBar and even increased the price of some lesser Super Value items. But my favorites still remain 99 cents. And for that, I am content.

This entry was posted on Monday, March 14, 2005 at 1:20 PM. You can skip to the end and leave a response.