jennifer lopez's posse much more expansive than first realized...
Dear God. JLo's posse is ginormous!!
It's kinda like the Mighty Ducks Flying V coming down the sidewalk. At first glance, you'd think, "Oh, it's just that one big black guy." But no. It goes much much deeper than that. Here's a number-coded key:
1) That Huge Black Guy
He has huge glistening muscles. All the better to beat your ass up with. After he first saw Gigli, he personally choked Ben Affleck's entire immediate family.
2) The White Guy Who Wears Patterned Shirts
He always walks two steps in front of JLo. His intricately patterned shirts lure potential stalkers or autograph hounds into a deep sleep.
3) The Old Guy With Thick Glasses
This guy instantly hates everyone. His glasses look old but they're actually really high-tech and James-Bondish. They shoot gamma rays at people who wave too long at JLo.
4) Exposed Ankle Man
This guy has a 3rd degree black belt in Trip Kung Fu. JLo hates having to walk through crowds so he walks ahead and trips anyone that might be in her path.
Those are just their code names. But these two have been in the posse biz since the Rat Pack days. They were retired living it up in their home in Fiji but JLo dragged them back into the game. You wouldn't know that they're the ringleaders due to the fact that they always walk backwards to prevent blowing their covers. Natasha has a really cool mustache.
7) The Kid Who Always Whistles
The Posse kidnapped him when he was a baby. Now he whistles tunes from JLo's newest album Rebirth at all times. He is also in charge of M&M separation. Don't be fooled by his trendy Bugle Boy shorts. He's mean.
8) Bruce the Robotic Motorcycle
He secretly still pines for JLo after all these years. He's hatching a secret plot to kill Marc Anthony in his non-beauty sleep. After this picture was made, he ran over the passerby who dared to caress him.