Living in hollywood, I've been thinking about getting a personal assistant. Most famous people have one, two or even three. I have none. Zero. Nada. But that's all about to change. I'm going to start posting my ad, everywhere from Craigslist and the newspaper to random Hollywood establishments. i even hope to persuade Chingy to star in a commercial, promoting my plight.

My ad will read:

wanted: personal assistant. must have car, truck or motorcycle with a cab, so i can ride with you if i like. must understand english because that is my first language. i know french but only little words. must know how to wang chung at any time. those who don't know how or don't appreciate the classic 80's band should not apply. duties: nothing huge or strenuous. i work out religiously so i am not hiring you for muscles. when i say religiously, i don't mean that i am a meathead. i just pray before every set, hoping to finish without tearing a muscle. small jobs will include rolling calls from family members, saving movie theater seats in the exact center (from front to back AND side to side) and buttering toast. occasionally, i will also have you do seemingly random tasks like spinning in place, finding four-leaf clovers or pointing at old people we might see on the street. just know that it all has a purpose. i am very mr. miyagi that way. but much much more insane. in that spirit, you will also be expected to sift through future personal assistant applications once i fire you. thanks.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, June 15, 2005 at 1:19 AM. You can skip to the end and leave a response.