This is the story of five soldiers...picked to hang outside a cell...and write really really funny stuff down...that Saddam actually says. This is the Real World: Saddam's Hizzouse Cell.

Face it, people. This entire story is going to be priceless. For your pleasure I have printed below some of the highlights of the Saddam Chronicles (some of which are true and some of which I made up):

- Enough is enough. He really wants to know when Big Brother 6 premieres.

- While having little positive to say about either President George W. Bush or his father, George H. W. Bush, he expresses a desire to be “friends” with them.

- When he says "friends," Saddam really means "friends with benefits." And when he says "friends with benefits," he doesn't mean "only kissing on the mouth."

- He also expresses a longing for the days when Ronald Reagan was still president.

- The only W.M.D. he knows of is in his pants. He then started listing those with proper clearance for searching for it (Jessica Simpson, Lindsay Lohan, every single Victoria's Secret model (past and present), Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen, etc.)

- He gave the soldiers advice on how to handle women (“You gotta find a good woman,” he told them. “Not too smart, not too dumb, not too old, not too young. In the middle.”)

- Hilary Duff looks like she was built with legos, he says.

- He thinks Dan Rather is “a good guy.”

- Whatever you do, don't use the prison-issued White Rain shampoo. It's a trick and it will screw up your hair forever.

- He loves Doritos chips and Raisin Bran Crunch cereal…but he won’t touch Froot Loops.

Actually I lied. The best part about this whole story is the fact that the GQ editor labels it as "the opposite of Abu Ghraib." Wouldn't that mean that Saddam would have to be beating the crap out of all five of these dudes? And, like, pointing at them? And more? I'd now much rather see this reality show than M.J.'s.

Related:
That "HILARIOUS" Downing Street Memo

This entry was posted on Monday, June 20, 2005 at 11:47 AM. You can skip to the end and leave a response.