"Doc, I know it sounds weird. But I've got to know if he feels the same way."

What a weird web of publicity the Dukes of Hazzard cast weaves! First it was Johnny Knoxville and Jessica Simpson and their whatever, then there was that weird Jessica Simpson car wash music video thing and now...Burt Reynolds has said on The Tonight Show that he likes Willie Nelson. And when he says likes, he's doesn't mean as a friend or a pen pal. Burt likes him with a capital L and a little asterisk on the end:

"When I worked with Willie Nelson, who is just about the nicest man I've ever worked with in my life, the sweetest, kindest man, I thought, 'If I'd have been gay, it would have saved me millions,'" he told Jay Leno in the show broadcast Thursday night. Reynolds said that if he'd have hooked up with Nelson, they'd still be "happily together."

Normally, this kind of news wouldn't even faze me. But I like Burt Reynolds. Or rather I used to like him back in the day (that's with a lower-case l). So, being the kind of person who would never step in the way of a man's teetering sexuality, I loaned Old Burt Reynolds my Delorean and my extra flux capacitor so he could go back in time to meet up with Young Burt Reynolds and share his feelings. Against my warnings, Old Burt walked right into his younger self's house, catching him in a precarious position:

Old Burt: What the hell are you doing?

Young Burt: (jumps off a few hookers) Holy shit! It's you! I mean, it's me!

Old Burt: Look, I don't have much time. My face is melting.

Young Burt: I can see that. Where in God's name are your ears?

Old Burt: They're back there. Forget it. I'm here on business. The business of love.

Young Burt: That's what I'm talkin' bout! Cannonball Run ladies! Smoke my bandit!

Old Burt: You need to hook up with Willie Nelson.

Young Burt: Huh?

Old Burt: Willie Nelson. Kidnap him, put him in your basement, be his boyfriend. You'll thank yourself someday.

Young Burt: Whaa? Why would I do something like that?

Old Burt: Well I...you just did a movie with him. He's really sweet and kind.

Young Burt: That's it?

Old Burt: And he's got a beard. And lots of weed. That'll save us millions. You see, weed gets more expensive in the future. And when your face is melting, it dulls the pain.

Young Burt: OH GOD!!

Old Burt: There's not much time. Chop chop.

Young Burt: Okay. Where's his house??

Eventually, Young Burt did end up at Young Willie's home address. But, much to his dismay, the house wasn't there. Willie's wife had taken it, along with his truck, his dog, his record collection and all of his stash. So, in retrospect, the space-time continuium was forever saved by the lyrics of a country-western song. Amazing.

This entry was posted on Friday, July 29, 2005 at 11:45 AM. You can skip to the end and leave a response.