Who needs shrinks when you have Ask Metafilter? If you've never heard of it, it's like Ask Jeeves but instead of being steered to random ass websites that don't answer your question ("I already know Carmen Sandiego is on the 'Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego' website, dude!!"), people who you've never met come out of the woodwork to give you bad advice.

Today's question comes from Anonymous, who simply titled his entry, "help me get more awesome."

I don't feel like an exceptionally cool or likeable person. Maybe I am and have low self-esteem, whatever. That's not what this is about.I want to become someone that people say is a "great guy." What kind of qualities would you say makes someone such? How to they act in everyday conversations?

Right off the bat, Jesse Helms responded from his "still-alive bed":

This is the impossible question. How about, always stand up for yourself, admit your mistakes, drink whiskey, and in every situation talk to the prettiest girl in the room.

To which some random dude named Geoff quickly responded with:

Dude no way. Low self esteem guys are so lame when drunk. It's like watching Bill Cosby turn into Dr. Dre, everyone is all "WTF?"

Hours inexplicably went by as many Metafiler users surely contemplated this strange sentence. That is, until abcde brought it home:

Incidentally, Bill Cosby lives near here and I've heard he's a mean drunk and always brags how much money he has.

You heard it here first. If you want to get more awesome, you need to start hanging with Bill Cosby. No doubt.

p.s. In defense of Geoff (see above), I did edit his advice a bit. His brilliant "other" words on how to be more awesome follow (as a guide for all):

Everyone's definition of a great guy is different. A great guy is the guy who brings Xanax to your party even if it's really lame and no one shows up. He acts like it's the best party in the world and keeps complimenting you on it. You can't try to be this guy you just are.

A great guy also doesn't ask questions. You know if you're on a party and your best friend is getting on the ugly chick and someone like me would run a cockblock route and stop it at the pass. A great guy would not do this he'd just let be and never mention it. He'd let you have your own guilty secret. See a great guy can't be defined.

The best advice I have is be you 100x. So if you're a nerd and you're depressing and no one likes you, really play that up. As long as you have a non-annoying personality or a personality that's not too mainstream you'll get invited to all the cool parties.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, September 14, 2005 at 10:48 AM. You can skip to the end and leave a response.