So, the NY Times is surprised Hollywood isn't a big Jews For Jesus posse? Uh huh. Groundbreaking journalism. You know what, NY Times? You're totally right. Hollywood should be courting the Christian audience more. So I've got an idea. Let's just start making even more remakes than we already are. Might as well. Let's make all the regular crappy remakes as well as a whole new crop of Christian remakes of mainstream films. Would that solve this growing "problem?" I'll even give some hungry Hollywood producers the first Jesus-esque ideas in 5 Ways We Can Randomly Put Jesus In Mainstream Movies To Make Them More Christian-y:

5. Back To The Future (But With Jesus)
The Plot:
Jesus is BFF with Doc Brown. Doc Brown builds a time machine. "I don't really need that, but okay," says Jesus. Some Middle-Eastern dudes kill Doc with a WMD. Jesus gets scared and takes the time machine back to the year 2 B.C. Mary's father hits Him jogging one day, takes Him home. Since Jesus is wearing Calvin Klein underwear from the future, Mary calls Him Calvin Klein. Mary falls in love with Calvin Klein Jesus. Calvin Klein Jesus finds Doc's great(times 20)grandfather and asks him what to do. He says, "Well, you're Jesus. Just keep your mom from falling in love with you. Remind her about God, divine intervention, space-time continum, yadda yadda, get out of there lickety-split and then teleport (or whatever you do) back to 2005." So He did. And all was good. The end.

4. The Silence of The Lambs (But With Jesus)
The Plot:
Instead of going through that long, drawn-out and violent process of cooperating with Hannibal Lecter, Clarice just asks Jesus where Buffalo Bill is. He tells her. Because that's what he does. CSI Jesus. The End.

3. Waterworld (But With Jesus)
The Plot:
Jesus turns all the water into wine. Makes it Wineworld. Everyone happy.

2. Karate Kid (But With Jesus)
A select scene from the film:

"I hear you jumped some of my students last night."

"Afraid facts mixed up."

"You calling Mr. Lawrence a liar?"

"No call no one nothing."

"What are you here for, old man?"

"Come ask leave Jesus alone."

"What's the matter, Jesus can't take care of His own problems?"

"One to one problem, yes. One to one problem while answer prayer, maybe. FIVE to one problem while also answer prayer, too much ask anyone."

"Is that what's bothering you? The odds? Well, we can fix that. Feel like matching, Mr. Lawrence?"

"Yes, sensei!"

"No more fighting."

"This is a karate dojo, not a knitting class. You don't come into my dojo, drop a challenge and leave, old man. Now you get Jesus on the mat, or you and I will have a major problem."

"Too much advantage. Your dojo."

"Name a place"

"First Baptist Church. Multicultural Room."

"You've got real nerve, old man. Real nerve. But I think we can accomodate you. Can't we, Mr. Lawrence?"

"But sensei, I'm Jewish."

"No mercy."

1. The Passion Of The Christ (But With Jesus)
Plot:
But wait, you say. Wasn't Jesus in the original Passion? He may have been, but I didn't see Him. When I think of Jesus, I think of the smiley Jesus I see in illustrated Bibles, helping people and preaching His word. Jesus liked to make people happy, like Bobby McFerrin. Where was that Jesus in The Passion? Where was the Jesus that likes rainbows, sun-babies and dogs wearing hats? Nowhere, that's where. So, instead of gross, bloody Jesus and Mel Gibson's insistence of subtlety, the new version will have happier G-rated Jesus. No blood. No violence. And a Raffi soundtrack. Just happy things. Like Mr. Dog in a Hat. He'll even tell funny limericks to Jesus while he's on the cross to lighten up the mood. Because Jesus loves the funny. See? Blockbuster guaranteed.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, November 02, 2005 at 5:50 PM. You can skip to the end and leave a response.