1. Empty your head of all knowledge or creativity.

2. Go to the Other Pics JJB board EVERY CHANCE YOU GET. Don't dare sleep or eat. Wait for updates. Find new pictures and post every single one. EVERY SINGLE ONE. Take uppers if it helps keep up.

3. Title entries creatively. Brainbusters such as "Mandy Moore Walks To The Store," "Lindsay Lohan Looks Skinny" or "Beckham and Posh Step Outside" are not only perfect. They will attract lots of followers who will provide you with comments like "OMG" and "You're awesome." And that's what shitty celebrity picture blogging is all about.

4. If you really have the time (outside of the difficult task of posting EVERY SINGLE PICTURE YOU FIND, of course), write on the pictures with a creative colorful font. No one has ever done that before.

5. Don't worry. Most people don't get this far, but if you really have to, now's the time for some commentary. Pull out your Shitty Celebrity Picture Blog Commentary Mad Libs:

OMG. What is ______ wearing?
Awwwww,______ and _______ are so cute together!!
Tom Cruise is _____ crazy!!! Isn't he?
Lindsay Lohan has a ______ problem.
and my favorite,
Here is ________ at ___________.

6. American soldiers are still dying every day in Iraq. Whatever!?! The hotlinking of pictures is the biggest US problem today. For God's sake, the pictures are in your Imageshack account!!! Therefore, you own them. So you have to make a stand quickly. A JPEG at the top or side of your blog saying, "STOP HOTLINKING MY PICS PEOPLE!!" will suffice. If it doesn't stop the petty criminals, just write a comment on your blog threatening that YOU WILL stop your Shitty Celebrity Picture Blog if they don't appreciate all your hard work. Immediately start complaining if enough people don't reply with praise. If for some reason that praise doesn't come, just forget it and continue being genuinely shitty all-around.

7. Speaking of hard work, you should be getting paid for the blood and sweat you put into your Shitty Celebrity Picture Blog. Because going to the aforementioned JJB message board takes time that you could be spent at more worthwhile pursuits. Like adding more friends to your Myspace account. Put a Paypal button on your site and pressure your followers into donating. Again, because, hey, they don't give free Blogger accounts to just anyone!!

8. Always be under the impression that you are the VERY FIRST one to post a picture, write a witty headline or, heck, start a Shitty Celebrity Picture Blog. Second place is for losers. But you might as well slit your wrists all over your Hello Kitty keyboard if you're the 78th person to post that latest picture of Christina Aguilera and her fiancee.

9. If on your hourly search for more shitty celebrity pictures, you find another (gasp) Shitty Celebrity Picture Blog, don't panic. Politely comment on this OBVIOUSLY Shitty Celebrity Picture Copycat Blog that you would appreciate them not stealing your photos. If they reply with, "WTFEver, I gotz dese from JJB, yo," guess what? You have a new BFF on your blogroll. YAY!!

10. Put every single site meter or tracking meter on your site you can find. You want others to know how truly awesome (or is it shitty?) your Shitty Celebrity Picture Blog is doing at all times, right? Oh, who are we kidding? You have your blog's minute-by-minute stats text messaged to your cell as well.

11. ALWAYS talk about yourself and your Shitty Celebrity Picture Blog in the third person. Start a Cafepress account and sell t-shirts and buttons proclaiming that your Shitty Celebrity Picture Blog is King of All The Shitty Celebrity Picture Blogs. Run for Shitty Celebrity Picture Blog President. If there's not yet a position like that created, suggest it on the JJB Board. Don't worry. It will catch on. YOU ALL WIN!!

12. BE SURE to FREQUENTLY post pictures of the huge-est celebrity of them all: YOURSELF!! Vanity went out in the 80's and everyone (and that even means people who have yet had the pleasure of seeing your Shitty Celebrity Picture Blog) wants to see pictures of yourself with your boyfriend/girlfriend/dog/second-cousin going to the movies/club/beach/grocery store!! HEY!! I have a ingenious idea!! Open up a Flikr account and give your followers the option of looking at that TOO!! You know, other than the 100 or so pictures a week you post of yourself anyways!! LOL!!

This entry was posted on Friday, June 24, 2005 at 9:22 PM. You can skip to the end and leave a response.