This interview was Off the Wall Amazing. And it totally reminded me of my D.A.R.E. counselor and how intense he was back in the day. Sooo...

What It Would Be Like If Tom Cruise Applied to Be Your Child's Personal D.A.R.E. Counselor

Principal Crabapple: So, Mr. Cruise. I hear you want to teach...D.A.R.E.??

Tom: Yes. It is something I feel INTENSELY about.

Crabapple: What makes you qualified for the position?

Tom: I consider myself a D.A.R.E. historian. Are you listening?

Crabapple: Yes.

Tom: No. Are you really listening to me?

Crabapple: Yes.

Tom: I don't think you are. You see, I'm passionate about listening. I've read books about listening. I actually flipped through all the pages and comprehended each word INTENSELY. Come to think of it, I consider myself a listening historian.

Crabapple: Uh huh.

Tom: That's the problem with children today. They're too drugged up on Ritalin to really understand...or listen.

Crabapple: I don't think we really need to talk about Ritalin in the class.

Tom: WHAT? That's going to be the main focus.

Crabapple: Ritalin?

Tom: YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT RITALIN IS!!

Crabapple: Excuse me.

Tom: Can you even spell it?

Crabapple: R-I-T...

Tom: That's not Ritalin. I've read books on Ritalin. I know what it does to people. I don't think you're listening.

Crabapple: I heard you. You were talking about Ritalin.

Tom: Mrs. Crabapple, I am a Ritalin historian.

Crabapple: Uh huh.

Tom: It's a street drug...

Crabapple: But...

Tom: I'm sorry. Was I finished...

Crabapple: Well...

Tom: A STREET DRUG, MRS. CRABAPPLE!!

Crabapple: (truly scared now)

Tom: (Motions over to Katie, who is tethered to Tom with one of those parent-child safety belts you occasionally see at the mall) For example, look at my beautiful fiancee. She listens. Right Kate?

Katie: (She nods gingerly)

Tom: (Starts smiling proudly towards her) You want a cookie?

Katie: (She nods happily)

Tom: (He throws her a cookie) There you go. (Back to Mrs. Crabapple) See? Kids today respond to cookies.

Crabapple: Okaaay. Mr. Cruise, what about your ties with Scientology...

Tom: Long before I was a Scientologist, I was still INTENSELY...are you listening...INTENSELY interested in listening. Just before filming began on Days of Thunder, I took an entire week off and flew my private jet into the Sahara Desert with nothing but a sleeping bag. Guess what I did there?

Crabapple: Listened?

Tom: Exactly.

This entry was posted on Friday, June 24, 2005 at 2:46 PM. You can skip to the end and leave a response.