I know. I know. I wish I could say I was abducted by the ship from "Flight Of The Navigator" and that I went on some kickass adventures that involved flying over the Pacific Ocean and singing Beach Boys songs superbly off key...but I didn't. I overslept. Alarm clock was on PM instead of AM. My bad.

BUT...there is movement and a (perhaps?) conclusion in THE GREATEST INTERNET LOVE STORY OF ALL TIME: The Classmates.com couple. Or as I like to call them, Axl and Piper.

And it's a spoiler. Sadly.

Hey. After this mess, you never know.

Maya Angelou may have not been 100% on why exactly the birds, in fact, sing. Or she may have only thought she saw them sing, but it was a cruel joke by one of her college friends ("That Maya, man. She's always birdwatching. Waiting. Let's trip her out with some Disney animatronic shit!!"). Or she may have really seen them sing, but they weren't actually caged, at least not in the literal sense. But, again, you never know. Call me loco, but I'd just like to see a similar convo on "Larry King Live."

Larry: "So, you never really did see them...sing?"

Maya: "Larry, Larry! The literal truth of the book is still there. The only part that is in question is the title."

Larry: "But isn't that the theme of the book? The main point, if I may?"

Maya: "Larry, Larry. Come on. It's me. Maya."

Larry: "You've never even seen a bird, have you?"

Maya: "Again. No comment."

Larry: "Spell bird."

Maya: "No comment."

Larry: "I'm going to pretend I'm a bird and I'm going to sing. Then, for the viewers around the world watching, tell me why."

Maya: "Why don't we go to some callers."

Larry: "Tweet tweet. Tweet tweet."

It's been that kind of day.

At least I remembered to watch Road House this afternoon before I came into work. If I ever figure out how to feng shui my apartment, that glorious piece of film is going to be playing on a loop on a secondary TV somewhere, probably near the kitchen. Because it has an eerie calming effect on me. Actually, to mix it up, I might also add Mad Max:Beyond Thunderdome (because, truly, everything is better Beyond Thunderdome).

If you're a real man and haven't seen these movies, something is terribly wrong. If you're a chick and you've seen them, something is right. Oh so right that I might love you. Totally.

WHY???

Well...Survivor Austin grew up right around the corner from my house as a kid. One day I went to his house to play soccer and he kicked the ball really hard and it hit me in the nose, causing a monstrous nosebleed. The rest of my memory is hazy but I do remember there was some unnecessary laughing, some fighting and maybe an attempt to blow my bloody nose all over him and his dog in anger. But...that was at least 18 years ago. I'm over it. Although, it would be pretty cool if he did get in the final two at the end. Then, I could get a ticket to the taping and stand up and call him out on it. "DUDE, that guy kicked a soccer ball deliberately at my face, gave me a nosebleed and laughed at me!! So I blew my nose on him and his dog! And I think he might have cried a little! Should a guy LIKE THAT be the next winner of Survivor??"

No. I think not.

I remember having a semi-crush on Monica Keena when she played the villainous (and Jack Daniels-loving) Abby Morgan on "Dawsom's Creek" circa 1998.

Then her character got drunk, fell off a pier, hit her head and died. DIED! That's how she died. Ranked right up there on the huh-o-meter with the Cowboy Scott "90210" death but hurt a lot more because she was a hot female instead of a goofy guy who was just glad Brandon Walsh knew his name AND came to his bday party.

Anyways, I see her boobs through her Forever 21 blouse that she wore to the Bloodrayne (oh god why) premiere last night and that's all I could think of (instead, oddly, of boobs).*

Death by pier diving. Such a sad waste.

*I really have no idea if this blouse was purchased there. I just threw out the L.A. clothing store that first came to my mind. I've also never been forced in that place against my will. I promise.

p.s. When the Getty Images watermark doesn't fully shield the breast region, I get a certain comfort. I know this is sad but give me that one thing.

If only for Mark from Road Rules One and his intense intensity. Did anyone else see how riled up he got on that bus last night? Dude wanted to get off THE BUS!! Let him off. That was major dra-ma. In all seriousness, I hate myself for watching this 87th incarnation of the RW/RR challenge. I was off one day the past two weeks and this was all that was on TV. I would much rather MTV have a show fully revolving around either A) the writers room when they devise the Challenge events that would (maybe) shock my mom (if she watched) aka last night's Sponge challenge or B) the producers when they were calling the cast members to see if they were free (ok, not as much drama) or C) an entire show revolving around how Mark stays looking so early 30ish when he's probably pushing 50 by now (and banging half the female cast until they cry). But really, he was seriously intense. If the bus talked, it would have said ow.

More random stuff that I'm thinking about:

-I almost bought some taquitos from 7/11 this past week. They looked so good, so hot and so appetizing on their spinning metal thingees near the hot dogs. And then I realized, what if they are really really good. And I get addicted. How embarrassing would that be? And I would get fleeced so much for change by the bums. I bet that's how they became that way. 7/11 taquito habits have got to expensive (to your future health, not so much your wallet).

-There's a Hollywood billboard for Bank of California with some bears playing in a field and the tagline is "Since 1876." It really confuses me every time I see it. My latest thought is that "the bears held up the bank" and not "the bears were the prime components for the bank's existence (since they were eating everyone's money and they needed a safe place for it)." That was last week's reasoning.

-I just sent my resume in for a job as a writer's assistant on one of my favorite sitcoms. So everyone think moderate to extremely happy thoughts. It would probably mean a decrease in pay and humility but, hey, that's what you have to do to someday wear the championship belt. Either that or walk into a wrasslin' match that's already started like a wuss and steal the belt off a guy who's just been suplexed. I don't fight like that, though. Oh no.

-Every time I see the preview for "24," I wig out. Four hours of that show in two nights is like the kind of dream inside a dream. With explosions and Jack Bauer talking all husky like he does. And boop boop doop doop's!! OMG. I just did it again. That show rocks, man.

-I finally cleared out my Tivo "Now Playing" list after three months. This past week, with the lack of new programming, I have been taping some really crappy TV. Did anyone else see that show "I Can't Believe I Wore That," hosted by Dave Coulier and Bo Derek. Just me? OK. Nevermind.