If MI-3 does get axed
, I have the next career step for the newly improved and so obviously insane/awesome
Tom 2.0. He should go back and start remaking all his hits. Same actors, same directors, everything!! Just insert Tom 2.0 into the same role without any mention that he seems
a bit older. Of course, there might be some improv involved because Tom 2.0 will affect the outcomes of the movies like a Choose Your Own Adventure
Joel invites the hooker over and tells her he wants to marry her and have a bunch of little hooker babies the moment she walks in the door. She's scared and runs away. Outcome =
He doesn't lose his dad's Porsche in the lake, doesn't turn his house into a brothel and, most importantly, doesn't almost break that glass egg thingy (which also effs up The O.C.
for an episode, but, wtf). He goes to Princeton.Top Gun
Maverick doesn't get through pilot training due to the fact that he keeps jumping up and down excitedly in his seat and trying to hug his instructors. He instead joins the professional beach volleyball circuit where he eventually gets dropped for looking at his watch and flexing too much.Outcome
= No awkward sex scenes with Kelly McMannish. Val Kilmer gets mega-pissed because he loses his wingman and his towel-popping partner (insert Sleep With Me monologue
here). Goose doesn't die.Cocktail
Due to the fact that he freakin' LOVES every single customer (male or female), Brian Flanagan becomes the biggest and most famous bartender in Jamaica EVER.Outcome
- Jamaica votes him president in 2007 and renames the island Flanagaica. Coughlin doesn't get to bang Kelly Lynch. He still dies but not as gruesomely. Some hypothesize it's because of the "not-getting-to-bang-Kelly-Lynch thing."Rain Main
Raymond: "Water burn baby!! Water burn baby!!"
Charlie: "I LOVE burning babies!! Whhhhhhhheeeee!!"
Outcome: An once-innocent drama about the bonds of brotherhood turns into the prequel to Alien Vs. Predator
. Let's just call it Austistic Vs. Holy Batshit Crazy.
Days of Thunder
In the name of Scientology, Cole Trickle drives his Nascar into an Olympic-sized pool full of lions. Outcome:
Amazingly, he converts them all before being eaten. He becomes a martyr for all Scientology-Nascar fanatics. Or, as he likes to be called, Steve.A Few Good Men
Lt. Jaffe: "I want the truth!!"
Col. Jessup: "You can't handle the truth!!!"
Lt. Jaffe: "Yes I can! If you explain it to me. Over dinner, perhaps??"Outcome:
He does explain it to him. And, oh man, is the truth sexy.Jerry Maguire
Due to his newfound love of the game, Jerry becomes superagent and steals all of Bob Sugar's clients. Unfortunately, he doesn't have Dorothy Boyd at "Hello." She dumps him out of the blue for Kenny Chesney.Outcome:
Jerry gets Rod a deal with Nike and Reebok, the first of its kind. He records "Cush-lash" with Jerry O'Connell's character and makes it a Top 10 hit. On the flip side of the coin, he blames poor little Ray for the breakup and immediately orders the assasination of all 8 of his neighbor's rabbits.