To the Agent/Manager of Paris Hilton,

I'm a huge fan. It would be really cool if you remade the 1987 classic Mannequin, starring Andrew McCarthy, but with Paris in the Kim Cattrall role. Only in this one, the guy doesn't kiss the mannequin and she stays a mannequin for the entire movie. The end.

Sincerely,
Me

p.s. I'm so excited about House of Wax I could happy slap someone.

When Michael Jackson looks into your eyes, he doesn't just see your inner child. He sees your inner child's child's child...naked. Yes. Oh so naked.

Dear Joey Potter,

I admire you for this ploy of playing hard to get.

Just remember: he's dangerous. Jusk ask Jordan Mooney.

Have fun on your romantic Italian getaway.

-J

p.s. Was Tom surprised when you told him you wanted to save your precious flower? I have 20 bucks saying he wasn't.

NEW YORK (AP) Frustrated with recent failed diet attempts, "The View" co-host Star Jones (middle) showed up Wednesday night to the Tribeca Film Festival premiere of "The Muppet Wizard of Oz" lauding her newest dieting plan: The Surround Yourself With Nephews Diet.

(Pic via Rex Features)

From today's Variety:
On June 28 at 8 p.m., NBC premieres "Average Joe 4: The Joes Strike Back." Latest incarnation of the dating skein is expected to have a twist, though the net isn't saying just yet what that is.

Okay. I admit there were parts of the other Average Joe seasons that I found amusing. And I don't watch that much reality TV, so that's saying a lot.

-The fact that female fans orgasmed so much over Adam that they brought him back for the second season. Nice guy. Huge-ass gums though.

-Then there was one Jennifer girl whose face still haunts my soul. Actually an Average Jane revolving around her would be a helluva show. Bring in a bunch of studhorses and watch them all try to avert their gaze from her penetrating eyes.

-Brian Worth. What can you say about this guy? Classic.

-The finale of the last season in which the Larissa chick told the guy who picked her that she used to date Fabio. So the guy dropped her immediately. Possibly the most awkward reality episode ever made.

But back to this twist. What could it be? My only idea is that maybe they'll put all the Average Joes in a fraternity house that they'll renovate with the help of Ty Pennington. Then, they'll have a "housewarming party" where they'll invite a bunch of sorority girls over, throw them down a well and lotion them up for days on end ("Would you pretty please put our lotion back in the basket??"). The last one to survive wins a group date. With multiple hugs.

Today's Imaginary Last Chance Conversation Between the Dawson and Joey Potter

Dawson: "It's in the newspapers. Pictures are everywhere. I just want to hear it from you, Joey."

Joey: "Yep. We're dating."

Dawson: "Because you are my best friend, my first love, the only girl for me, forever and ever and ever and ever..."

Joey: "Yeah. About that..."

Dawson: "Now you're being taken away from me by some movie actor."

Joey: "He's a movie star! Didn't you see Top Gun?"

Dawson: "I have the Top Gun poster!"

(He, of course, starts crying.)

Joey: "That's not enough, Dawson. It's true. Tom Cruise (yes, this guy) is more of a man than you. I choose him."

Dawson: "OH GAWD NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

(Insert Shawshank Redemption-like crane shot of Dawson holding his hands up to the sky as the wind blows and rain pours down upon his sorry sorry being)

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo, JOEY!!!

Stay away from the Scientology light!!

Nooooooooooooooooo!!!!

They asked for Chinese takeout.

They got Bai Ling instead.

God - 1
Star Wars Nerds - 0

Mandy Moore is freakishly tall.

I'm about 6'5" and she's close to looking me in the eyes. In fact, if I was playing chicken fight in a pool, I would totally choose her as my teammate and we would destroy all competition. Chicken Fight Champions Of the World, I tell ya.

Which also means, on my Bball All-Hottie Team, she'd have to pound the boards at the 5 position.

C - Mandy Moore (nearly 6 ft)
PF - Amanda Bynes (5'9")
SF - Keira Knightley (5'7 1/2")
SG - Jessica Alba (5'7")
PG - Eva Longoria (5'2")

Best lineup ever.

I'm actually starting to feel sorry for poor Michael Bay.

As a producer, he's like Lenny in Of Mice in Men. These atrocious remake ideas are like little puppies to him. Cute and snuggly and innocent looking. He has good intentions in his Michael Bay mind. He just wants to pet the wittle puppy. Wuv him. So he picks him up, wubs the puppy against his face, feeds him wittle puppy biscuits and then...out of nowhere...SMOTHERS THE HELL OUT OF THE PUPPY WITH OVERDONE CGI AND STUNTWORK!!!

Stop producing, Michael. Go back to directly making bad movies. There's plenty of other remakes you can make yourself:

Schindler's List - He writes the list. It explodes.

She's Having A Baby - She has the baby. It blows up.

Footloose - Kevin Bacon dances so dang good that the dance floor explodes.

Mean Girls - You know what's really mean? Explosions.

You get the idea.

It's true.

No te duermas.

So so true.

I'm usually not one to start hurling accusations at stars of movie classics like Alone in the Dark or Body Shots, but:

I do believe Tara Reid might have stolen my cell phone.

There. I said it.

On the pains in the ass list, losing one's cell phone has to be near the top. You lose all your numbers you've built up, all the pictures you might have saved, etc. And cell phone companies LOOOOVE when people lose their phones. Because it usually means that, unless you had loss insurance on it, you're either A) buying a whole new one for an assload at retail price or B) you're getting another one cheaper but you have to sign your celluar soul away for a longer contract.

So, NOW, not only is the cell phone company screwing me but Tara freakin' Reid is screwing me too?? I'm sorry to be so middle school about this but, NUH UH. I ain't down with that.

The evidence is out there. Both Tara and I were at Cabo Cantina this past weekend. And in all the pictures, a cell phone that looks a helluva lot like mine is sitting in front of her.

Maybe Tara and I drunkily ajolted like in Freaky Friday and she picked up my phone by mistake? Maybe she was eyeing my phone the whole day because it's bright and shiny and she likes bright and shiny things? Maybe I gave it to her as a drunken gift and I didn't know it?

I don't know. I just know I want my cell phone back, Tara Reid. I've always defended you when you've sloshed yourself all over Hollywood burping and laying your boobies out everywhere. But this is where I draw the line in the sand. Right in front of my cell phone. Which you may or may not have stolen.

I just want the truth to come out. Everyone please spread the word. And, Tara, call me. Because I've tried calling you and you ain't answering my phone.

(Pic via EVERYWHERE. Seriously, Tara, everyone knows.)

I was making my daily trek south on Highland Avenue today when I saw this very strange sight. My first thought was, "OMG, Los Angeles has totally hit an iceberg. I knew it. Women and children first!"

Then, as the procession of cars slowly moved towards the montrosity of something-or-other, it became clearer. And much more AWESOME!!



Apparently, two giant movie star egos collided into each other near the corner of Highland and Melrose Avenues and it blew a water main at least SIX STORIES HIGH.*

While firefighters were doing their best to tame the wild water beast, passerbys were taking pictures and calling their best friends from high school to tell them the news.

I stopped to ask the policeman on duty if I somehow could get myself up to the top and levitate on the plume, would he take a picture for me?

He said that I could not and that he would not.

Cops = no fun.

*That's how I imagined it. I think two cars hit a fire hydrant or something.

=

Wide coke-bottled eyes. Check.

Disproportioned bobblehead to skinny bones body. Check.

Definite far-from-good/good-from-far face. Check.

Leathery skin. Check.

Is Lindsay Lohan slowly transforming into E.T.?

Or is it just me?

No caption really needed.

I don't own an IPOD or an IShuffle.

Hell, I don't even have a real CD player in my car (I have a Discman Deluxe with the cassette tape adapter.) For the sake of argument, If I did have a $400 CD player in my car, it would render itself more expensive than my actual car. Then...ruffians would break into my POS car to steal my shiny brand new CD player. When, in retrospect, I would have rather them steal the car and just leave me my CD player sitting on the pavement. Because it's new. And shiny.

Well, Steve Jobs, do I have an idea for you. And it's called the IPOD Merlin (see above). I think it's a brilliant idea that's the best of both worlds (aka Nice New Shiny Thing World and Cheap Ass World). And it's got totally cool capabilities:

1. It looks like that piece of crap game from the 80's. But you can really upload one mp3 (and one mp3 only) to the hidden media player. Who needs a digibyte of music when you can listen to Gwen's "Hollaback Girl" over and over and over and over??? Take that IShuffle!@!
2. It also kinda looks like a really old cell phone. So you look vintage walking around while you're pretending to talk to your BFF on it. And vintage is ULTRA COOL!!!! YAY!! You win again!
3. If your friends are really dumb, you can tell them it's the President's red phone. And if they piss you off, you can react by dropping bombs over Baghdad. Or on their head.
4. It's really big and clunky. So it can be used as a weapon if you are a harassed woman. Or if you're Mel Gibson and the bad guys have taken away all your clothes and leathal weapons. Haha. Take that unintelligent baddies!
5. It's really good at listening. If you're really lonely or whatever.

And it's only $59.99!! I'm surprised it's not on sale right now at Urban Outfitters. Where's the patent office?? To the Taurusmobile!

I will only go to this sad sad event if the following happens:

I want Butch and Porky from the Little Rascals to double-team Traci Bingham on the Batmobile. While this is going on, the scary girl from The Ring will pass by eating pancakes and see this grotesquely alluring turn of events, prompting her to vomit all over nearby Barry Williams. He will in turn vomit on Frank D'Amico who will then vomit on Tiffany AND William Katt. Lou Ferrigno will see all this, be kinda pissed that no one vomited on him and--while Hulking out---jump into the Back To The Future Delorean with Lainie Kazan. Unfortunately, he will not be able to get up to 88 mph because Penny Peyser and Allyce Beasley will be in the way risking their lives!!! So he'll get out of the car, only to be reprimanded by Betty Lynn. Then they will....awwwwwwwwww, WTFever.

I lost interest when Don Knotts dropped out anyways.

DAYTONA BEACH (AP) After a long six days and seven nights of standing without food, water or a bathroom break, Guillermo Diaz (L) fulfills his family's ultimate dream for him: winning Senor Frog's 1st Annual Hands On A SandPope Contest.

If you were once a Brat-Packer but now you're making up crap for yourself on IMDB, Paula Abdul's just not into you.

If you were in a music video with her in which you shunned her magnetic sex appeal by driving off a cliff, Paula Abdul's just not into you.

If you were in this movie, Paula Abdul's just not into you.

If you're totally, totally, not-in-any-way gay (as in never ever never ever), Paula Abdul's just not into you.

If you look "like a cross between a giant, scary baby and Vincent D’Onofrio in Full Metal Jacket," Paula Abdul's just not into you.

Everyone else, apparently, bang away.

HURRY!!!

Let's all flight-of-the-navigate back a few months.

We'll drink, be merry and sign up for this.

Or not.

p.s. He punched a horse the hell out once.

So Alicia Bendeck and Amanda Clare of Jupiter High School:

Be wary.

I Will Kill Your Entire Family In The Name of Home Repair !!!!!!!!!!!!!
by: Home Depot guy

I am the god of Home Depot.

I don't play around. Your home might be just your home to you. But to me it's a freakin' baby that needs to be spanked into a heavenly paradise of home efficiency. If you don't believe me, look at my damn vest. Do you think you just find these in the the shopping carts when you walk in the door? No, asshole. This ain't Walmart. This is Home Damn Depot. And this vest means I work here. I freakin' earned it too. There was an initiation period with hazing, trials, tests and an all-night binger in which I had to lay down some kitchen tile with my face. You probably say, "Waahhh...that's awful." But I did it because home repair is in my veins and I'm shooting up every damn day. Step to that.

If you ring the bell at my station, you better have a good question. Or at least some luscious ta-ta's. Because there's nothing I hate more than someone wasting my time--and countless others's time who might need my actual help--by asking where the power drills are or what size bulb fits in a refrigerator. Do I have Onstar written on my damn face? No. Seriously, it angers the hell out of me. I just might forklift you to death for that.

Girls love guys who know home repair. Therefore, girls love me. Because if there's a Home Depot Knowledge Pyramid, I'm at the top ass of it, laughing at everyone with my toolbelt glistening in the Sun. Little serfs at the bottom would come groveling to my Pyramid door, whining, "Please, puleez, help us!! Teach us!!" I'd just laugh and throw sawdust in their eyes. And then probably eat their faces. Because I don't have time for that shit. I have important duties.

Lastly, don't ever ask for my autograph while I'm on the job. That's the ultimate sign of disrespect. You might as well just sign your death certificate with a Sharpie. Because I'll be coming at you full-force with a nail gun, a screen-door and Ronnie from Lumber. And we don't front. We won't even call your family afterwards. We'll just bury your body somewhere in the store and mail the only map to Istanbul. We're that hardcore.

And don't ever ever ever ever forget it.

Uncle Jesse Vs. Uncle Rico

Age
Uncle Jesse - 41
Uncle Ricco - 47
(El Katsopolis has the edge on Grandpa Rico here)

Occupation
Uncle Jesse - Musician, DJ
Uncle Rico - Seller of Tupperware that can't be torn
(When you add in the bonus model sailboat, this is a strong tie.)

Previous Claim to Fame
Uncle Jesse - Part-time drummer for the Beach Boys
Uncle Rico - He was thisclose to taking state back in '82
(I always did like "Kokomo." Jesse by yards.)

Mode of Transportation
Uncle Jesse - Harley Davidson
Uncle Rico - 1970's porno van
(Tie. I want both. In, like, a Gobots-like combo.)

Catchphrase
Uncle Jesse - "Have Mercy!!"
Uncle Rico - None
(Darn. And it probably wouldn't have even taken much.)

Smooth-ality with Ladies
Uncle Jesse - Had the stuff, bagged Becky a little early??
Uncle Rico - Apparently banging anyone buying Tupperware
(Ooooooo...got to go with Rico. That's a surprise.)

Special Talent
Uncle Jesse - Pefecting the ultimate hair style through gobs of mousse
Uncle Rico - He can throw a football over those mountains over there
(Give it to the guy with the golden arm.)

Negatives
Uncle Jesse - Too vain sometimes, not as funny as Joey
Uncle Rico - Eats all the steaks, doesn't feed Tina ham
(No one denies the Tina. Jesse gets this one.)

WINNER
Uncle Jesse barely edges out Rico, 6 to 4. For this, he wins the admiration of young, hot, sexy women everywhere.

Spitting just ain't nice.

But I got your back, Mike.

There's always the second spitter theory.

Daredevil + Electra to Wed.

Be happy for them.

It's their gargantuan-foreheaded children we should worry about.

House Party 4: Bumtaculous??

holy

friggin

cow.

This just in:

Benjamin Affleck wants to teach your kids.

See also:

~Mariah Carey (yep, this one) wants to clothe your kids (next to last paragraph).

~Stevie Wonder wants to paint your house.

~R. Kelly believes he can fly.

(Link via overeducated)

Today's Imaginary Interrogation with Chris Tucker (post arrest)

Cop: "Yo Chris, man. I loved you in Friday!!"

Chris: "Thanks man. I appreciate it."

Cop: "Rush Hour, man. Awesome."

Chris: "Yeah. Cool, man. Are you letting me out now?"

Cop: "Dawg, where have you been since Rush Hour? You were HUGE!"

Chris: "Didn't you see Rush Hour 2?"

Cop: "Uhhhh...I think so. Was Jackie in it?"

Chris: "Yep."

Cop: "That's it?"

Chris: "Yep."

(Uncomfortable prison silence)

Chris: "I hosted the NAACP Image Awards twice. (pause) Forgot that."

Cop: "Get the hell out of here."


See also: Jen Lindley NOT DEAD!! Just knocked up.

HOLY CRAP.

If I had a tent (or a warmer sleeping bag), I would be camping out the night of May 2nd at Best Buy in preparation for the arrival of L2D:Special Edition.

In fact, I think it deserves its own Grauman's nerd queue.

I celebrate the entire canon of Corey/Cory: L2D, The Lost Boys, Dream A Little Dream, Dream A Little Dream 2 and Blown Away. In that exact order.

Think about it. How can you deny a movie in which the female character's name is Mercedes Lane? Or how the entire driving exam/road-test sequence scared the ever living crapola out of me as a hoping-to-drive-someday 7 year-old? Or how the buddy character actually used the burn:

Natalie! I was wondering, if you were driving 55 miles per hour and you collided with a runaway train, would it make ANY improvement on your face?

Classic cinema.

----
Sad Addendum - Corey Haim gives interview outside a prison fence??

amitybeard horror

(inspired by rosie o'd)

we went to see amityville horror
at the grove multiplex
more beverly than hills

i didn't have popcorn
nor any goobers
costs more than the ticket
that's crazy talk

we sat in the seats
watched bad trailers
house of wax
scary bad
sign me up

hiyo, ryan reynolds
lover of jagged pills
damn that beard rocks
he was funny in van wilder
i admit i own it

that alias chick has huge eyebrows
caterpillars eating her face
i hope they don't
cause that wouldn't scare me

these kids look nothing like their mom
the girl is blonde, okay
but the one kid is fat
and one looks mentally impaired

scary stuff starts to happen
she says, "man he's an asshole"
"sure he is," i reply.
he's po-ssessed
with a mean paul bunyan beard

he sure likes chopping some wood
he needs to chop some ghost demons
or at least get his wife nekkid
help me help you
to not make me sleepy

eh, the climax
what aren't more people dying??
at least one kid, maybe
guess not
damn.

-----
Amityville Horror - D+
Ryan Reynolds's beard - A

Seth Cohen = SuperGeek or Geek Killer??

I spend over a 1000 words on it.

On the brand SPANKIN' new issue of SMRT-TV!!!

Dear Person Who Made This on The Television Without Pity Forums,

Awesome.

-Me

I care about fast food. I really do.

Last April, the CEO of McDonald's passed away suddenly. A moving writeup instantly flowed from my fingertips because, hey, i cared:

"There goes my entire day.

According to the news, and fellow LJ-ers, McDonald's CEO and patriarch Grimace died of an apparent heart attack last night in his sleep. He was fat.

Friend of Ronald McDonald, the Hamburglar, Birdy and Barney, Grimace not only loved creamy chocolate shakes and fries. He loved kids. And he particularly loved eating them after they ate those creamy chocolate shakes and fries.

Player haters made fun of Grimace in the past because he looked a fat kid in one-piece pajamas or a California Raisin with a budunkadunk. Either that or he just couldn't digest his food fully.

But not many people knew about his reformation. According to a McDonald's press release, he was originally called the Evil Grimace and 'had a penchant for stealing milkshakes from small children, was fuzzier and had six arms." Yes, follks. He used to fuzzier.

In honor of Grimace and his legacy, two Big Macs with Cheese and a six pack of Chicken Nuggets will be let free into the wild. And then, for all the gangstas who represent, we'll pour a bit of our chocolate shakes on the ground just for him.

Grimace, you will be missed."

CUT to today's truly upsetting news from our fast food operative in the field: Filet O' Fish Fridays is no more.

That's right. It's just going to be regular-ass Fridays from now on at McD's. There's not really a solid answer on the change thus yet. You'd think that since "there's lots of fish in the sea," there damn well oughta be a lot of Filet O' Fishes out there as well. No dice.

Well...gawd dern.

Britney got full-serviced in a hotel room.

Which means, everyone and their mother is rushing to Vegas to get the scoop on this room where all the magic went down. Heck, an Extra!! crew might be there sometime soon if they left really early from LA. Still, their "first scoop" won't be until tonight's broadcast.

But...OMG...guess what???? I've already got a pic of the $2.5 million digs. Through a friend of a friend, I looked at the place last month for my alternate-reality-much-richer self (just for fun).

HERE'S THE PIC!!!

Okay. Don't laugh. But I'm scared to friggin' death that someday I might have to "kick it" with Byron Allen.

I mean...look...I consider myself a friendly person. I like meeting new people. Conversing with persons of different backgrounds is exciting. I love witty repartee in a badminton-esque manner.

But the thought of "kickin' it" just destroys me in a debilitating way.

I'm sure Byron Allen, in person, is a fun guy. But on his TV show, "Kickin' It With Byron Allen," he, well, isn't.

Number one: I don't think the show really has a time slot, per se. But it's a usually at a time--say, Saturday morning at 3 am--when Byron knows I will be unable to escape his tractor-beam-like charm. It's like the network operator said, "Dang, man. We're out of that footage of the flag flying in the wind. I guess we'll just milk some of that Byron Allen dude."

Number two: 90% of the show isn't even interviews. It's Byron's voiceover of who he's landed as interviews. "We got Mel Gibson coming up...hold on to your seats." "Jim Carrey's in the house...and it's rockin'!!" "Sandra Bullock just dropped by...hollah!!"

Number three: the interviews Byron does "land" usually are always strangely out-of-place due to time. Last week, I swear Byron was like, "We've got James Bond shakin' and stirrin', exclusively, with me next." I thought Byron had landed a big scoop on the new Bond until he came back with an junket interview, circa "Living Daylights," with Timothy Dalton.

Number four: his questions are picked out of a hat filled up by suggestions from mentally-impaired children. That's the only explanation.

Number five (and most importantly): the celebrities on his show always look like they were tricked into coming on (i.e. the Seinfeld ep in which Kramer turned his apartment into a talk show.) It's almost like Byron runs into Denzel Washington as Denzel walks out of the grocery store, says, "Psssttt...Denzel...come over here...behind this door"...and BOOM, he pulls out a camera, a few chairs and a mic. Byron always looks to be best bros with every single celebrity, but I strongly believe they're afraid for their life and looking for the nearest exit strategies.

Hmmmmm...



*Wanted: Someone Other Than the Girl Above.

Because, well, we just outed her as a "mystery shopper."

Ha Ha. Sucks to be you.

As the Kings of Leon stumble off the stage after a long hard night of rockin' and rollin' and what-not, Creepy Burger King Guy pops out of nowhere:

KOL drummer: "What the HELL!!"

Creepy Burger King Guy: (Hands each King of Leon a new Enormous Omelet Sandwich. And keeps smiling. Ominously.)

KOL lead singer/guitarist: "I think he wants us to eat it. (loudly) Do you want us to eat it?"

Creepy Burger King Guy: (Nods head. Still ominous)

KOL bassist: "All right man. But this is a waste of time. I've got a lot of chicks that need bangin.' And my hair needs brushin.'"

(They all eat, but, like, in a sexy rock n roll way.)

KOL drummer: "Okay. There ya go, dude. We ate your sandwich. Can we go now?"

Creepy Burger King Guy: (Shakes head. With ominous happiness.)

KOL bassist: "Bullcrap, dude. I'm out." (starts to walk away)

(OUT OF NOWHERE, Hootie shows up.)

Hootie: "Hello guys. Or should I say brothers?"

KOL lead singer/guitarist: "Hootie! What is going down, man?"

Hootie: "I'm sorry guys. You've just signed away your musical souls over to the Creepy Burger King Guy by eating his new Enormous Omelet Sandwich. You must go with me to Creepy Burger King Land with Brooke Burke and that Stuff girl with the phat ass."

All of KOL: "Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!"

(IN ONE SWOOP, a huge Tender Crisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch Sandwich crashes through the ceiling, picks up the KOL, Hootie and Scary BK Guy and flies away. They are never seen outside of bad commercials again.)

This. Explains. So. Much.

Not about me. But about all the friggin' ugly kids I see just walking around. Think about it. How many times have you said, "Where is that child's parents?" Answer? Hanging with their more attractive kid.

1. The following sentence just gives me the heeby jeebies. "The researchers independently graded each child on a scale of one to 10 on attractiveness."
2. Let's be honest here. Are there any attractive children in Canada??
3. This study only bolsters my long-standing desire to start www.ismybabyhotornot.com.

See also: That kid on that show.

(via Boing Boing)

Ummm...did someone tell my Nana about my blog or somethin'??

I mean, she's influential and all, but...dayum.

I was hoping it wouldn't have to come to this.

But I like TV more than puppies. Especially good TV (i.e. Arrested Development).

Soo....today, everyone should take advantage of their God-given right to vote. Go to the USA Today website and say, "Hey. Stop right there, man. I haven't voted with my viewership thus far. But give this show a chance. Because some day I'll be drunk off wine coolers or Natty Lite and think, hey, where the hell did Blind Justice go?? And the fact that it has been swiped from the viewing public prematurely will make me very drunk sad (which is btw the worst drunk)."

Seriously...do it. Vote.

Because if you don't I might just have to do something drastic to the puppy. Like draw a frilly hat on it. Or feed it more fake-looking cigars. And I know you don't want that. I don't want that.

So...go. Follow your heart. The puppy would want it that way.

Dear Children of America,

Sadly, this will be a day you will always remember.

sloppy man love,
me

p.s. Girls everywhere (but especially in my office): calm the hell down.