This conversation is just like that commercial where the college buddies call up their first college friend that gets a job and they ask him, "How many cookies do I have in my mouth?" But instead of just finishing college, this involves guys that have been out of college for 3 years now and do nothing but watch horrible daytime TV and still tell the worst jokes...

"Dude. Turn on The Tony Danza Show."

"No."

"Dude. Turn it on."

"No."

"Duuuuude. He's a pirate."

"That's terrific."

"Guess what his name is?"

"Tony The Pirate?"

"Actually, I don't know. But, probably, yes."

"Is he talking in a pirate voice?"

"No. He's using his regular Tony Danza voice."

"Typical."

"Now he's singing with some guy dressed up as Judy Garland."

"Terrible."

"Dude, what's the capital of Thailand?"

"That joke doesn't work over the phone, man."

"Damn."

Forget Paris Hilton and her slutty bunny outfit. Been there, done that. Forget Nicky's green-whatever-that-is. Really. I don't know what it is and it pales in comparison to slutty bunnies. I want to know about the other costume found in this picture: namely, Domino's Pizza Delivery Guy.

How did the costume of Domino's Pizza Delivery Guy come to exist?

A) Does Paris have a male friend that she doesn't have sex with? If so, did he decide to be be Domino's Pizza Delivery Guy for Halloween? And, uh, why?

B) Did Paris hire a dude to follow her around as Domino's Pizza Delivery Guy just in case she got hungry at moments throughout the night's proceedings? If this is the truth, why isn't she this brilliant more often?

C) When they see celebrities on their delivery routes, could there be some real pizza delivery guys that Voltron quickly into paparazzi members? If so, do they have a pizza box that they always keep in their truck that flips open to reveal a camera (sort of like Banderas did in Desperado with his gun)? If all of this is true, could there be a demand for a pizza that takes pictures? Don't laugh. The technology has to be there.

D) Did this pizza delivery guy just get caught in the slutty bunny paparazzi crossfire? And, considering this was the same outfit Paris wore to the Playboy Halloween party, where the hell are they? Walking up the driveway? Who ordered a pizza to the Playboy party? Hef has to have food flowing through that thing, right? More importantly, is that how I can finally get in there? Pose as Domino's Pizza Delivery Guy? Don't make me get a part-time job for this. Because I will. This should have been letter A.

E) Why does Domino's Pizza Delivery Guy look so unhappy? Doesn't he know he's standing next to a slutty bunny? And Green-Whatever-That-Is-Girl? Me, I can't even hold a pizza and look that unhappy. So I'm confused.

I've been spending one of my first weeks off in a long time enjoying AMC's Monsterfest. Nothing's better than bad 80's horror movies that have been edited for television. Scary movies friggin' rock even when they're horrible. Just like pizza. And to commemorate that fact, along with the fact that this is dude.man.phat's 500th blog post (woohoo! break out the streamers and shit!!), I've decided to launch a new interactive feature: In 100 Words Or Less. I read and enjoy a lot of well-written blogs. So I've asked (via email) a few of my favorite bloggers (this week it's all L.A., baby), "What's your favorite scary movie (in 100 words or less)?" and, since I'm not totally lazy, I'll start:

Justin, Dudemanphatnotfatbutphat
"All of my favorite movies seem to involve 80's nostalgia. So my favorite scary movie would have to be Gremlins. Not scary, you say. Suck my balls, I say. When friggin' mean, green monsters with scary teeth start jumping out of my Christmas tree when I'm trying to decorate it, I piss in my pants. I don't know about you. They also tried to kill Phoebe Cates!! And, as a little kid, I didn't want to feed my pets after midnight or get them wet for months after I saw the movie. My poor stinky anorexic pets."

Geoff, Bullmonkey
"Right now, my favorite horror flick is Ju-on 2 (the sequel to the original Grudge). I watched in a room full of men and still jumped out of my seat more times than is acceptable. But it does make me wonder why the Japanese are so afraid of little girls with messy hair. That's probably why the Asian horror market has been sucking over here in the US for a while... the "scared of little girls with crazy hair" thing just doesn't translate on this side of the Pacific. What if we just took out the little girls and put in an evil clown or some midgets? I think that would work better."

Hilary, Superfluous Juxtaposition
"This one's easy. I absolutely positively hate scary movies, so I don't watch
them. Thus, I have no favorite. How's that for a hundred words or less?"

A.J., A.J.'s Piece of the Web
"My favorite scary movie is The Changeling (1980) starring George C. Scott (Patton, Dr. Strangelove). Though 25 years old, The Changeling has aged VERY well (better than I have). Here's the logline: "A man retires to a lonely mansion and begins to experience supernatural occurrences linked to the house's evil past." This movie has everything: slow, spooky, spine tingling scenes and swallow-your-gum, shriek-out-loud shocking scenes; all wrapped in a great mystery. I can't reveal much more without spoiling it, but let me just say that you'll never look at an empty wheelchair the same way again. Netflix this one now."



Helena, Blood and Guts
"The Stuff (1985) made me afraid of yogurt. When miners find this substance oozing from the earth, they do what anyone else would do—taste it! And wouldn't you know, it's downright delish? The product is mass-marketed, catchy jingle and all—Can't Get Enough of The Stuff! Things are peachy until people become inexplicably addicted to it, and start turning into horrible, jaw-unhinging zombies. Is this a Delicious Dessert? Or Mind-Controlling Alien Being? Thankfully, this disaster would be impossible today, as I'm sure The Stuff is so loaded with carbs that nobody would eat it in the first place."

Reagan, Glory Fades & the now defunct Tale of Two Cities
"the exorcist, b/c when i was but a fetus growing in my mother's womb, she and my father rented the movie for what i'm assuming was a romantic evening indoors. up until this point, i was to be a meagan. like reagan, but with an "m." however, while watching regan aka linda blair vomit pea soup and fuck herself with a cross, my parents (again, i'm assuming) looked at each other, my father possibly laid his hand upon my mother's stomach, and in that moment of silent agreement i became reagan. so no, i was not named after the president."

Liz, Greenfireburning
"Lord of the Rings: Return of The King ~ Everyone has their quirks -- midgets, clowns, anal sex, midget clowns having anal sex. Me? It's the giant spiders that haunt fantasy films. You get a spider so big that you can see those eight horrid eyes and razor-sharp pinchers... Ghastly. So while I very much enjoyed the gay hobbits and epic warfare, there are large portions of ROTK I have never seen because I was curled into a ball, eyes tightly closed, hoping that the horrid squeals of Shelob were almost over. Once, I let myself peek… for long enough to choke back a scream."


Lonnie, Crushed By Inertia
"MY FAVORITE SCARY MOVIE: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre ~ Tobe Hooper's 1974 masterpiece is so simple, so rudimentary, with its amateur cast and zero-budget production, that the scares and violence feels more authentic. Like in the similarly-chilling Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer, the killings in the film aren't gruesome, over-the-top set pieces like you'd see in a Wes Craven or Dario Argento movie. They're mundane tasks, chores even, performed by guys who presumably commit these sorts of atrocities all the time. I think it's why Hooper chose to open his movie with the soon-to-be-chainsaw-massacred teenagers driving past a slaughterhouse. Leatherface isn't killing people like some brilliant methodical serial killer. People are not a challenge for him, they're not the ultimate prey. He kills them like a farmer might kill a cow, with no feeling or remorse. We're just meat to Leatherface. Now that's disturbing."

Neil, Citizen of the Month
"I do not have a favorite scary movie because I hate scary movies. I've never seen a movie with either Jason or Freddie. I know, I'm a total wimp. The scariest movie I've ever seen was a 70's movie called The Omega Man with Charleton Heston. Chuck is pretty much the only normal man alive after some sort of nuclear disaster. Everyone else is some sort of zombie that only comes out at night. And these zombies are scary as hell, with creepy makeup and really ugly 70's clothes. I can still visualize the scary faces of these zombies. Maybe I'll see if I can watch it again on Halloween. Maybe I've gotten braver with age."

Atlas, Assistant Atlas
"I'm not a big fan of scary movies, since screaming like a schoolgirl is bad for my rep. That said, Dario Argento's Suspiria is one sweet-ass horror movie. It's got all the classic elements-- such as an all-girls boarding school with evil teachers-- plus, it's got that soundtrack which has me all Pavlov-ed out. Every time I hear that eerily happy melody, I start nervously looking around for ballerina witches."

Megan, Overeducated and Underemployed
"I am easily scared. As a child, I made my friend's mom take me home from Goonies before it even started because the trailer shown before was vaguely frightening. I tell you this because I feel I must disclose that the number of "scary movies" I have seen is small. Still, I can say with confidence that among them (and all others), Watcher in the Woods is the awesomest. To summarize: Old Bette Davis. Spooky mirrors. Backwards spelling. ALIENS. A seven year-old Megan at her final New York sleepover before moving west. A fear that followed her to California. Nerak!!!"



Thank you everyone for your participation. I ditto all of the choices AND recommend all of the above sites for content that is way better than the Average Joe blogger. If anyone wants to participate in future "In 100 Words Or Less" posts, drop me a line. I like fanmail. I also like hatemail. Okay, I'm just trying to fill up my Gmail account (now hovering at 13%). Let's work together to make that happen.

If this in fact the real deal and they're like me, old school King Kong fans should be mega-psyched about this brand new poster for the Peter Jackson-helmed update coming to the multiplexes this Xmas.

Adrien Brody, on the other hand: not so much.

But, hey. As Meat Loaf once sang, "Two out of three ain't bad."

Pop quiz hotshot: you're Ben Affleck. You have starred in a plethora of successful and not-so-much successful Hollywood films. You've gone to the Starbucks on Robertson to pick up an iced coffee for yourself and nothing for your about-to-burst-pregnant wife. As you're walking out to your expensive car already dressed up for Halloween as Executive Banker Guy With Goatee, you notice you're being ticketed by the parking meter maid (or, maybe, someone dressed up as a parking meter maid?). What do you do? WHAT DO YOU DO??? Maybe something like this???


Or this?


Or maybe even this??


This has been Ben Affleck: Parking-Ticket-Getting-Out-Of-Master.

Does anyone else watch "The Apprentice: Martha Stewart???" If not, you should be. I watch it for two reasons. Number one, that guy Jim might be the best reality player ever. He's crazy, man!! Number two, I like Martha Stewart's personal dismissal letters she writes at the end of every episode to the loser. I'd be on the show just for that. I wonder if she actually sends them, though. I'd demand it so I could frame it. And maybe put it on a lazy susan in a plastic viewing box like something you'd see at the Louvre. My mom would be proud of my personal dismissal letter, I know.

I imagine it'd look something like this:

Here's how it started (HOURS AGO!!!):

"Can we watch it when we get home?? Please!! Please!!"

"Uggggghhhh...please no."

"Come on!! Please!!"

"Aw right. Just the extra footage. But not the entire movie. I can't watch that three-hour thing again."

"YES! Okay."

"Promise?"

"I promise."

This is meant as more of a disclaimer for all boyfriends/husbands everywhere. This DVD has, at my most recent estimation, about 8 hours of extra features. They. Never. End. James Cameron has pulled out the stops to ensure that Titanic lovers know every possible minute detail about the movie. I'm being forced, at knifepoint, to watch an array of documentaries on set and costume design. For Christmas sakes, if you're my real friend, reading this and have my phone number, CALL ME. I'll pretend that you're out of gas on the 405 or something and it'll give me an excuse to leave the apartment. I know what you're thinking. Hahaha...I'm so not even kidding.

8. That friggin' poster. Holy crap. I'm not above saying I've been to see movies just because they had a cool poster. And that is a cool poster.

7. Writer/director Shane Black. I think I already covered this in my Batman Begins review this past summer, but...remember when you were a kid and you watched movies and they had those cool moments when you'd look to your friend next to you in the movie theater (that you'd snuck into, btw) and you both did the "Daaaaaaammmmmnnnn!!" face?? I remember doing that exact thing when I went to see Black's The Last Boy Scout. As an 11-year-old, that whole opening football field scene and the way if played out was AWESOME. I think I might have dropped my Skittles when it happened. And even though I love Skittles, I didn't care. It was a great opening scene!! Anyways, Shane Black (who also wrote The Monster Squad, the Lethal Weapons and Long Kiss Goodnight) is exemplary in writing those Skittle-dropping, "Dammmmnnnn" moments. Kiss Kiss has them by the bushel.

6. Boobs. It's got them. I'm neither a prude nor a guy that thinks every movie should have boobs. But nothing's worse than seeing a stripclub scene where you know the filmmakers were trying to limit the nudity. Strippers should not be wearing turtlenecks. If the main actress is as hot as Michelle Monaghan AND she gets naked, that's icing on the boob cake. And, let's face it, everyone loves boob cake.

5. Use of narration. This might be seen as a stretch ("you like a movie b/c of the narration??"), but this movie uses a narration in a way I've never seen before. Throughout, the narrator is constantly aware that's he's narrating a movie. So he drops hints, keeps a self-deprecating tone and stops and plays the movie at certain points. It's really weird and crazy and hard to describe. But good.

4. Corbin Bernen's in it. Anyone who loved Major League as much as I did knows that guy should have more work than he's been getting. And, lately, it's been none. Go him.

3. I might be wrong, but I believe most of the movie was filmed in Los Angeles. And behind the whole strippers in turtlenecks thing, nothing sucks more than watching an L.A.-based film and you look at it and say, "Dude, that's not L.A. That's Vancouver. Liars!!" Really. It throws me out of the movie. I hate it.

2. Val Kilmer. Has everyone seen Real Genius? If you haven't, rent it. If you have, you know Val Kilmer can be HI-LARIOUS. Sometimes I imagine myself in the future writing a really good comic script and hiring a bunch of actors (a la Quentin Tarantino) that haven't gotten the chance in the last few years to excel in the way I think they could. He will be towards the top of my list. Val Kilmer should be making more comedies. And he's like a fatter, puffier Val Kilmer now, which is funny in itself. He's perfect in this movie.

1. Robert Downey Jr. Truth be told, one of my favorite actors. When I think of RDJ, I think of the type of actor similar to old Chevy Chase. Like old CC, RDJ just seems lighting quick. In his movies, in his interviews...he's just a smart guy. And then he had all those troubles and it was like, "Stop it man. You're way too smart and way too talented to waste all it." And now he's back. And he's got that same zing you remember him having. And he's the BEST thing about this movie. He looks good, he looks like he's having fun and he pairs up perfectly with Kilmer. If they don't do more movies together, it will be a gigantic waste because chemistry like that doesn't come along in Hollywood that much these days.

In conclusion, don't go see The Fog. Don't go see Doom. Go see this movie when it comes to town (it's in limited release now). If you're not, at the very least, moderately entertained, you can blame me. I'll call you crazy and do the loony chicken dance (a la GOB from Arrested Development), but you can still blame me.

I'm not one to call shenanigans on Page Six reports, but the chances of Shannen Doherty dating Matt Leinart, USC quarterback and current king of the sports world, is about one in a billion.

Unless...he has the power to metamorphisize into little dudes that look nothing like himself. Because the guy we see her holding hands with above, on their way into the same Mood party, is not Matt Leinart.

To put it into more perspective, Matt Leinart is 6'5'', 225 lbs. Shannen Doherty, on her least angry days, is pushing about 5'4''.


Now, I guess there is a very small (teeny tiny) possibility that Shannen could have done a run-by-make-outing after she got inside the club without Mr. Shorter-Dude seeing her. But why in the world would Matt Leinart make out with kryptonite like Shannen Doherty in the first place?? That's like eating some chop round when you have about a billion filet mignons calling your name from the fridge. Strike that. They're not even in the fridge. They're already cooked up and sitting on your freakin' plate. And you're practically the guy sitting on the beach in the Corona commercials. And you're gonna turn your back on that for some grocery store chop round?? Not gonna happen. Sorry. USC fans can now exhale.

INT. CLASSROOM - AFTERNOON

"Hello Mrs. Smith. Thank you for meeting with me today."

"My pleasure. Thank you."

"I'm sure you're wondering why I scheduled a parent-teacher meeting in such an impromptu manner, so I'll just get down to it..."

"Please."

"It's about your blog's attitude."

"My blog?"

"Yes, m'am. Your blog seems to have an attitude problem. I believe that your blog's behavior in the past few days has become detrimental to the class as a whole."

"I'm sorry. But are you sure we're talking about the same blog? My blog?"

"Yes Mrs. Smith. I'm sure it's not what you expected to hear. No parents want to come into a meeting with a teacher, or anyone for that matter, and hear that their blog is underperforming."

"Of course."

"Well...today your blog started bragging about his site statistics during lunch."

"His father and I have warned him about that. We even took away posting time for an entire week. We thought that had fixed the problem."

"Truth be told: that was minor. But then he pulled out his blogroll at playtime."


(SHOCKED) "NOT MY BLOG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"M'am. Please. This is not that serious."

"I will assure you. My little blog doesn't do such things!!!"

"Mrs. Smith, I've been teaching blogs for 20 years. These blogs are still developing. It's perfectly normal for them to compare themselves to other blogs at a young age. They want to make sure they're normal. They want to be accepted. But pulling out blogrolls in plain view of other blogs and comparing sizes is unacceptable in a public schooling atmosphere. Maybe you should consider a more specialized private school?"

"Are you telling me how to tag my blog???"

"No I'm not. I'm just saying that he might have special needs."

"My blog should have the same chance to survive in the blogosphere as anyone else's. He is special. But special in a good way. Not a movie-of-the-week-blogging-disabled way. Maybe you should take a look in the mirror at your own blogroll. Perhaps it's not as long as you thought?"

"There's no need to get personal, Mrs. Smith. And we all know that size doesn't really matter. But you should know: private schools today regularly send their blogs to the nation's top blogiversities."

"We will do no such thing. I went to a public school, his father went to a public school and our blog will go to a public school. How is he supposed to form long-lasting blog friendships if he goes to a school with only 100 or so blogs? He'll never be linked!!"

"I understand. Linking is important to the youth of today."

"Important?? After wearing a template that doesn't look like it was bought at Wal-Mart, it's the most important thing. Hell, my parents didn't want me to link before marriage. Guess what? I did. A lot."

"Again, maybe a little too much information. But I appreciate your honesty."

"I'm not delusional. In a few years, my little blog will have no time for me. He'll begin to experiment. Podcasting, videoblogging. Stuff we would never have thought of doing when we were young. He'll be linking all around town. And who am I to judge? Better do it now and get it all out of his system."

"Hmmm...well, time's up. This meeting has been very informative. I believe that you have your blog's best interests at heart. (gets up to shake hands) Thanks for coming."

"No. Thank you. (starts to walk out of room but turns around, thinking) Can I ask you one more thing?"

"Of course."

"Can I add you to my blogroll?"

"Well...okay. I guess we have some things in common."

"YAY!!!!"

THE END

And she looks kinda pissed about it.

But she is slowly winning back my heart in other ways.

Two ways, to be exact.

Related: Why in the sam hell are people betting the "Lost" numbers in the Powerball?? Do they not watch the show?? These are probably the same type of people who insist on saying Candyman in the mirror five times while I'm in the room!! I'll have none of it!! He is one scary dude! No means no!

"When Ethan Hawke doesn't read the latest squirrel news, the Ethan Hawke NYC Day Camp is unknowingly put in danger's way."

Let this be an example to all celebrities everywhere that if the squirrel is close enough to you to jump on your face, he may just decide to jump on your face. Especially if the squirrel's seen Snow Falling On Cedars. Squirrels are all vengeful like that. They hate boring movies and every actor in them. I asked one about it once, but I was at least 20 feet away. Standing warily. With a gun. And a Nerf ball.

The only thing funnier than Fantasia Barrino's Godzilla-like attack on my hometown of High Point, North Carolina and some people's insane views of it being a stab in the back is this unbelievably dumb website that JUDO CHOPS!!!! her anti-HP bombs with a barrage of points, lackluster counterpoints and (most definitively) illuminating research:

In a totally unscientific study performed this weekend at the Oak Hollow Mall, Home Depot, Yamax, Chic Fil A, 2 Cookouts, 42 cruisers, we (Jennifer & I) asked 300 randomn [sic] people, "before American Idol 3, had you heard of Fantasia Barrino" a whopping 2 people had. from this, i can't understand where she was the "bad girl to everyone in town"

Once you've lost the Cook Out vote, you've lost High Point. That's the city's hub of milkshake consumption, y'all. She might as well be blackballed from ever stepping foot in town again. Or at the very least tied to High Point's own 80 foot-tall "World's Largest Chest Of Drawers" and mocked all hard-and-angry-like (aka some slurrin', a lil' spittin' while we tawk bout ya with the normal finger-pointin' thing). That's the Southern way.

In conclusion, hobbies much??

Bonus: "Hey, she lied t'us. She did too got air!!"

I see actors begging for change at the 7-11 now. I would drop some coin in their hand everytime if one of them would follow Paris around the city doing the bunny ears 24-7. It would never get old. Roosevelt, LAX, Koi, Mood, etc. They might even get an acting job out of it. Heck, odds are in their favor that they could get laid if they did it quick enough that she didn't notice. Just stay on the left side. That's her lazy eye side. Also, if they were ultra-fast enough (like The Flash fast), it would neat if someone ran past her really fast with a Sharpie and drew on a Hitler mustache. For that, I would pay double.

Related: The only way I'd watch another season of "The Simple Life" (in a pic)

Dear Person Who Left This Voicemail on My Machine,

I'm sorry that I haven't returned your call. But you didn't leave a phone number. First of all, I think you had the wrong number to begin with. I'm not your cable provider, your TV-set provider or your "Soul Provider." I'm just another guy with a TV. And sometimes I also get angry when I watch a show or movie I like and it doesn't instantly come on the next day. But, like all American TV viewers, I just assume that it will come on again if I keep watching long enough. Usually at the same time on the same day of the next week. Unless it's a movie. Then I rent it from Netflix and they send it to me. It's all very complicated. Like that scene in Honey I Shrunk The Kids (I agree, a good movie) in which the ant dies. I used to say as a kid, "But why couldn't they save him!!!" But I didn't know then what I know now about ants and their fragile nature. Now I do. So it's less complicated. But the movie is still awesome. Especially when they eat the giant Oreo.

Sendcelery,
Me

According to this news, this is a French prostitute.

And according to the floor, I might have just been sick.

But only a little. Ugggggh.

BTW, she (he??) totally ganked my concept for a new airline.* Or at least she (he??) put it on a sticker to "rally the troops." I would sue her (his??) skanky ass but something tells me she (he??) wouldn't be able to afford representation.

*Fly Sluts United. Everyone Else Does.

If I was Dieter, I'd pick Jessica (left). And don't tell me that all guys care about is looks. That's bullcrap, man. I don't care how much makeup she puts on to make herself seem more attractive, Kristin (right) just doesn't do it for me. She and Steven should just get in his Tacoma and drive it straight into the ocean. And those purple bows in her hair (if that's what they even are??) are not sexy. Personally, I also think she needs a facelift. But that's just me.

Has anyone ever drank a bunch of coffee and taken some painkillers? Because that's what I just did and I think I watched an entire episode of "Price Is Right" at my cubicle. I did. I just zoned out and focused on nothing but Bob and his bevy of beauties for 60 whole minutes. I didn't even take a bathroom break. I just sat here and got all caught up in the drama. And I noticed certain things that one might only notice if they're hopped up on coffee/painkillers and watching a "PIR" episode:

1. The showmodels are better actresses than I thought. One of them just went from showing some office furniture (wearing office attire) to showing a snowmobile by putting on a winter coat over her office attire. But she sold it because I believed she was snowmobiling through the chilly Alps. What did she do? She did the "brrrr" body movement.
2. What if someone spun the big wheel so hard and so fast that it came unhinged and rolled down into the audience?? Would that not totally freakin' rule?? It's probably made of plastic. I'd take one for the team and stand in front of the audience to protect them if that happened.
3. While many have their favorite of the Plinko game, I still love the Punch-a-Bunch game. Mostly because of the whole punching thing. But also because I'd hope that they'd give me the real money as well as the huge fake money with Bob's face on it. So I could take it into a bank and try to cash it. My bank tellers are Russian. I bet they'd do it.
   
   
4. I also like the Cliffhanger Game. Not enough people actually yodel along with the music while the guy is climbing, though. That should be a required part of the game. And I would be that one guy to make a bunch of funny faces because that's what I think the producers are going for when they put your face in the silhouette thingee.
5. I would totally lick Bob's anorexic microphone if I got my name called up there. Just to see how he'd react. I've never seen someone do that and someone's got to before he dies.

When I first came to LA, I actually attended a taping of "PIR" with a group of friends. I think we ended up standing in line for like 10 hours. It was excrutiating. But I wore a really bright yellow t-shirt that said "Hi Mom" and my mom saw me on TV and told all her friends. So it was worth it. But I wouldn't do it again. Unless I had a huge gang of 100 or so friends where we all wore the same t-shirt. Or maybe we'd all wear business suits?? That would be kinda cool. To be truthful, I just want to be the guy that says, "One dollar, Bob!" Then I would go to my seat and let an old grandma take my place. Seriously. That would be the best part.

Must. Resist. Laughter. While. In. Office.

Yeah, I designed it myself. My mom helped me out with combining them. I wanted nsync and friends because they both helped me through a really rough time in my life, and the yinyang symbolizes peace which hopefully I will have now, and the circle because its forever It was $80.

Three. More. Hours. Might. Not. Make. It.

Since I'm all about seeing really old pictures of today's starlets in costume, one of my hottest readers (hiyo!) sent me these pictures of a nine-year-old Amanda Bynes all dressed up for her local theater production of "The Sound of Music." Placed side by side with a picture of Bynes today, you see the most obvious change. Yep, it seems she's all growed up in the boobie area. Hell, in the second picture below, she looks high as a freakin' kite and her family looks drunk. What kind of production of "The Sound of Music" was this???

Could the following words be the prologue to Terminator 4??

Three billion human lives ended on August 29th, 2007. The survivors of the nuclear fire called the war Judgment Day. They lived only to face a new nightmare: the war against the machines. The computer which controlled the machines, Skynet, sent two Terminators back through time. Their mission: to destroy the leader of the human resistance, John Connor. Their other mission, to keep them busy while they were working out the kinks of that first mission: to ensure that Americans everywhere received their DVD's in a timely and convenient manner. That mission's codename was DVD's On The Run.

"Duh duh duh dit dunnuh...duh duh duh dit dunnuh!!" Oh, who am I kidding? This was all just an excuse to put a "Hi My Name Is Steve" sticker on a Terminator. I am obviously so very tired. Good night.

The background: this past spring, I interviewed for a position on an extremely secretive TV show in a nondescript office in Beverly Hills. They couldn't tell me the name of the show. But A) one of the big qualifications was that I would have to be able to lie to people to get interviews, B) the executive producer was British and C) they asked me twice if I had ever seen "Da Ali G Show." In the end, I didn't get the job. But everytime I think about it, I still believe it was an interview either for the secretive third season of "Ali G" or the supposed Borat movie.

Then, recently, this Borat adds me on as a Myspace friend. I quickly looked it over and found that, yes, that could be him. That's his picture and his home country of Kazakhstan right there. Or, since these facts are public knowledge, this could be a Borat copycat. Sneaky. So I accepted "his" friend request and waited...until today.

Putting on my "Murder She Wrote" cap, I hypothesized that if someone really wanted to get to me, they wouldn't mess with me. They'd go around me and mess with the people on MY BLOGROLL!!! Then, I saw the following Jdate email sent to and posted by the fabulous Miss Super Jux, just yesterday:

Hi, my name is XXXXXXX
Be not surprised to this letter, I have decided to write to you because has felt, that you, probably, which unique the woman I search for that also which approach me. In this letter I want to tell to you slightly about myself: To me of 33 years, I the young, attractive, cheerful man with a hansom figure. I live new york city of Bronx, But i come from West Africa Ghana Accra. I work as the Accountant in mining company, I like my work. At leisure I am engaged in sports , I go to campaigns, sometimes in theatre or simply I walk, like to listen to music and to read books. I search kind, loving(liking), reliable for the woman. It(she) should be the clever, interesting interlocutor, with sense of humour love children. The age, color of hair, a figure not so are important for me, the most important is his(its) character and the serious attitude(relation) to a marriage(spoilage). I hope, that you were interested with my letter and can see your answer. Mine E-mail address is, xxxxxxxx@yahoo.com
I wait with impatience, XXX

It's almost as if Borat banded together with Dr. Clement Okon to write a love letter. Half of me is laughing and the other half is thinking they will stop at nothing to take me down. Down to Chinatown!!! Please take this as evidence if I mysteriously disappear someday. Or if you see me in Chinatown and I look scared as if someone's taken me hostage. If that occurs, pay attention to my face, because sometimes I go there and eat good food and everything's cool. Sorry this is so complicated but this is my life we're talking about. Thanks.

My show's premiering this weekend, so I'm freakin' up to my nose in work. But here's what happened around town last night while I was stuck in an editing bay:

"If you wouldn't want to look like a dude, please don't wear dude-like hairdos." -Me


How the Leann Rimes household applies their lipstick every morning??


Steve Sanders knows that we know that he has his own personal Primer storage unit (but will he use his powers to finally save Cowboy Scott!!???).


I want the Beach Boys to play my birthday party next year. But only if Uncle Jesse plays the drums. And only then if they play "Kokomo" at least twice. And only then then if they can also play the rest of the Cocktail soundtrack, just for chips and giggles. "Wild Again" could be Starship's most underrated masterpiece. No lie.

After thinking he had successfully wooed her with his large collection of oversized shirts and sweet belly-shaking dance moves, Fat Joe tried to move in on the recently-single Paris Hilton in Las Vegas this weekend. Unfortunately, when Fat Joe made the approach for that all-important first kiss, Paris did the unspeakable (at least, you know, for her): SHE LAUGHED IN HIS FACE!!!

So, in embarrassment, Joe promptly ate Paris, her sister Nicky AND the thousand-or-so clubbers who unfortunately witnessed the event.* Allegedly. Thank you, Fat Joe, for turning a negative for yourself into a positive for the world.

*With proof being this photo, one member of the paparazzi did survive. He was spared because he was "very little and not very tasty-looking," a spokesman for Fat Joe said. Joke's on him, though, because that paparazzi was actually a member of the Keebler Elves who, when not clubbing in Vegas, lives in a hollowed-out tree full of endless and tasty chocolaty treats. Oh sweet sweet irony.

1. When creepy sweatshirt guys ask for her autograph right as she walks in the door. Seriously, dude. LET HER EAT. She actually wants to now. And tell your Latino friend to stop hiding behind that wall. It's freakin' everyone out.

2. When the chef doesn't scramble her breakfast scramble quite enough. If she would have been at Toast, someone would have been cut. Luckily, today she was at the Newsroom Cafe (coincidentally, the employer of the guy she plowed into with her car this week). So, as a sign of goodwill, she'll instead resort to placing her hand in the air like she's in 11th grade English class. Take too much time, though, and it might lead to number three...

3. When guys wear high-waisted, pleated pants around her. She'll point you out and tear you a new one for this. Bad childhood memories about looking through the annual Sears Christmas catalog or something.

4. Being recognized as she's leaving the restaurant even though she's hidden behind a purse, her wallet and her friend's sweater. Usually, this would render her invisible. But, again, she had just sent a guy to the hospital who works at that EXACT restaurant. So...regular invisibility rules do not apply. Frankly, I'm surprised she wasn't wheatgrassed to death.

5. Wearing bras.