WTF people!! Stop stealing all of these pictures that I have worked so hard to either steal from other sites or scan from magazines!!! It really pisses me off. Don't you see all the Blogads in that sidebar over there. And above and below. This blog isn't fun. It's a business. A cut-throat business of stealing pictures from other sources and labeling them with my blog name. I'm so far behind I can't even do it all myself. I hired a few Guatemalan girls a few weeks ago to get up at 7 am every morning and do it for me. And don't forget how I have to write down any and all cool gossip I see in Star or InStyle while I'm waiting in the grocery line. That takes time. More time, actually, then it takes for you to Right Click Save As and totally filch all my cool and unique celeb photos. Stop being such an asshole! Why would you even attempt to take a photo like that and pretend it's yours??? That doesn't happen in the real world. Or even on The Real World. I know it doesn't happen in supermarkets. You can't just steal fruit and label it as yours:

Me: Dude, you totally took my pear out of my grocery cart.

You: What? No I didn't. Here. My name is on it. See?

Me: But I actually saw you take it. And then you wrote your name on it with a Sharpie.

You: Sorry, dude. This label is like calling "dibs." Or "golden." Everyone knows that. Even people who don't eat pears.

Me: That's beat up, man.

You: (Yelling) Everyone!! Look!! Look at this pear that I have found!! Yep. Me. I'm the one.

Everyone at supermarket:
(WOW!!)
(That guy found that pear!!)
(It's definitely his!! He's labeled it!!)
(Congrats on finding that pear!!!)

See. That totally does not happen. So stop doing it. Or I'll be forced to call the blogging police on you. I'm not even kidding. They're really scary and they don't take no backtalk (double negative fully intended, for emphasis).

FYI, I didn't steal the photo above from GQ via Goldenfiddle. No matter what they say. And if they did say that, they're ginormous liars. And they like wearing short-sleeved dress shirts to formal events. For real.

(Click above photo to enlarge)

Humor + 80's Film Nostalgia + Beer = Me At Your Party

100% Guaranteed.

This has been Deep Thoughts by Jennifer Aniston...

Other people grow beards.

Mel Gibson, though, is probably spending millions of his own money making a full-length feature film in which every actor and actress, every extra, the animals in the film and the entire background must be bearded. And, just to be strange, the beards, instead of the actors, will speak an ancient beard language that no one has spoken since the 1700's. And it will be the bloodiest R-rated bearded movie of all time and will gross three-hundred-thousand-billion dollars at the box office. Just watch.

I think I'm just jealous that Mel can grow a big fluffy man beard while I try really really hard only to get scraggly Keanu Reeves beard. It's just not fair.

Today's Imaginary Rehearsal For The Movie Edison

Morgan: Dare me! Double dare me, Justin Timberlake!

Justin: Morgan, you're out of your mind.

Morgan: I am perfectly sane. I will point at you all day long if I have to.

Justin: Why would you do something like that, huh?

Morgan: Because you're in my movie. And I don't understand how or why!!

Justin: Put it down.

Morgan: No! Why did you break up with Britney? WHY?

Justin: It just happened.

Morgan: That pissed me off. You ruined her life and mine.

Justin: I'm sorry.

Morgan: You know what also pisses me off?

Justin: What?

Morgan: That *NSYNC music video with all the puppets.

Justin: Uh huh.

Morgan: Worst video I've ever seen. I should point you to death. Just for that.

Justin: Are we going to start filming the scene or what?

Morgan: Oh we're already there, man. We're filming a movie called Life. And I'm in it. And you're in it. And guess what?

Justin: What?

Morgan: I hate you.

Justin: I'm sorr...

Morgan: Shut the hell up and go make me a smoothie.

Justin: Yes sir.

Morgan: And march like a penguin. I get a bonus everytime I mention that movie. I was the narrator, you know.

Justin: Yes I...

Morgan: More marching, less talking, Puppet Boy.

Back in 1998, I was a college freshman with a dream. And that dream was to someday marry all of the Dahm triplets. Erica, Jaclyn, Nicole and I...together forever. We would have bought one of those quadruple bikes and rode down the Santa Monica beach sidewalks eating ice cream and talking about our favorite "Young & The Restless" episodes. We would have spent late nights discussing politics, the environment and the trade relations between the U.S. and the countries of the Pacific Rim. We would have home-schooled all twelve of our daughters and started the most popular Sea World show of all time, entitled Hot Chicks, Their Moms & Some Seals. It would have been no ordinary love, Sade-style. And it would have been perfect.

But then Dr. Phil's son had to go out of his way with his piercing blue eyes AND SCREW IT ALL UP!!!!! Today's news:

The son of TV psychologist Dr. Phil has proposed to former Playboy playmate Erica Dahm, one of the triplet Dahm sisters.

Jay McGraw, 26, got engaged to Dahm in Dallas, Chandler Hayes, a spokesman for Dr. Phil McGraw, said Monday.

I feel like a part of me(yes, maybe the immature college part) has just died. I bet someone has a Polaroid picture of me somewhere and I'm disappearing, like in Back To the Future. If I knew how to play the guitar like Marty McFly, I'd do the same thing and go back to the exact moment when Dr. Phil Jr. and Dahm #2 met and just start rockin' and rollin' in a hope to distract them from falling in love. Or maybe I'd just beat him over the head with the guitar and run. Depends on the location and if I could flee at the top speed of 88 mph, I guess. Someone should really loan me their Delorean. Please. Don't deny me my dream.

To catch everyone up to speed: Earth still revolving, Jennifer Love Hewitt's Reading Rainbow Gossip Magazine World Tour continues.

Taking a break from, um, not posing for awkwardly staged paparazzi photos, JLH is still hoping to find that one perfect "Celebrities Are Just Like Us" picture of herself reading a gossip magazine. Then, finally, she could look at a picture of herself looking at a picture of herself looking at a picture...of herself. Which would seemingly cause her to either spontaneously combust or give her the ability to communicate with Jennifer Love Hewitt (circa July 2005) in a freak Frequency-like warp of the space-time continuum. Or not. For all I know, she could be looking for a hidden sign from the Keymaster so that they can continue plans to scale a downtown L.A. skyscraper and turn into giant dogs. Face it. The return of Gozer would be sooooo much better than that "Ghost Whisperer" show she's got going on.

The Red Cross

Salvation Army

Dude.

That.

Was.

Awesome.

Uncomfortable.

Uncomfortably awesome.

I've been trying to start the slow clap in my apartment building for the past few hours. I don't think anyone's caught on yet. But there's still time.

Eat me, Gene says.

But, wait, that...can't...be...sanitary.

Okay. Or you could do that.

Wait. Whoa...

Dear Lord in heaven.

I was going to get one of those Baskin & Robbins ice cream cakes for my next birthday. But screw that. I'm getting about twenty of these. I don't even care what it costs. And I'm going to invite all five girls that I know, pump them with cheap tequila, sit them down in a room with the cakes and wait for something to happen. And it will happen. Or I won't allow them to leave the room. I'll just sit there all night with them making them feel guilty about how there's kids in Africa who would murder entire villages with a spoon for some sugar-filled tongue cake. Whatever it takes.

OH NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

WHY GOD!! WHYYYY!!!

Okay. I'm over it.

This photo reminds me of March of the Penguins. If you haven't seen it, there's a scene in which the baby penguins hatch and they first notice they're a baby penguin. So they tilt their tiny penguin heads up towards the sky and see their Penguin Dads, who have been hanging out with the egg. And they're like, word, give me some fishy goo so I can go play with all my penguin friends. But Dad doesn't allow this because the penguins are still too frail for the harsh Antarctica winds. So they wait, all penguin-like. But then Mom Penguin comes back from her long journey for food and feeds Dad and Baby Penguin. And Baby Penguin becomes really fat and rolls around on the snow with reckless abandon. But he's not truly happy. So he leaves his parents behind, moves to Hollywood, doesn't go out in the sun, gets a horrible bowl haircut and starts wearing all black outfits, which make his skin seem more pale than it actually is. But every so often, he remembers being a real penguin and makes a face. This face.

Wait a sec...I KNOW THIS GUY!!! I mean, I don't know him know him. But I know people who have...ummm...known him, if you know what I mean. Everyone meet Mr. Rebound, Cisco Adler. Don't ring a bell? Well, if Mischa had to move on to someone on the total opposite end of the spectrum of Brandon "Tubby Tub" Davis, she's done a fantastic job. I hope she knows how to funnel beers. Here are the stats:

Cisco Adler (age 26)
-Owns and runs The Roxy On Sunset in LA
-Son of famous rock n roll producer Lou Adler (who also produced Cheech & Chong's classic 1978 flick, Up In Smoke)
-Was engaged at one point to Kimberly Stewart (Rod's daughter)
-Lead singer for the band Whitestarr
-Could never write immaculate love poems
-Co-starred with Paris Hilton in the short film, Sweetie Pie
-Inspiration for character of Cliff Poncier?? (okay, i made that one up.)

Blah blah blah...this guy loves to party. Here's the pics:




Update: WAIT! Is Mischa Barton dating Inigo Montoya?

(Insert Jeopardy theme music here)

The answer can be found in the comments.

I'm so confused now.

Is Scientology really a "religion" that provides protection for superhero descendents? Does this mean Katie Holmes didn't get that job because of her acting ability? Wasn't Nicole Kidman in a Batman movie? Wait...if Maverick had superpowers, this means Goose didn't have to die!!! What an ass! And if Katie Holmes just played Batman's girlfriend in Batman Begins, kissing Tom Cruise is, in a roundabout way, like kissing his grandma!!! GROSS!!! Tom Cruise is CRAZY!!!

Also, Kevin Bacon was in A Few Good Men with Tom Cruise. And Tom Cruise is related to Batman. That's two degrees, guys. Bacon's practically half-superhero. I knew it. No regular human actor gets that many roles.

Tom Cruise's Family Tree [Ancestry.com]

A) Truth: I really thought this guy was actually retarded.

B) Who knew Meat Loaf looked so much like a retarded guy?

C) Actors who play retards believably also cast well as Pauly Shore fans.

FYI, I know the word "retard" is not PC. But it's much funnier to read than "mentally impaired." See? I even took a poll near my desk and everyone raised their hands. I took that as a sign that it was OK. Also, of note, I'm personally one-quarter retarded from my mom's side of the family. Our family reunions are awesome. But mostly because of the dancing.

[IMDB]

I think I signed up for too many Season Passes. Is that wrong? I kept looking for some kind of number that I could limit myself to in the Tivo booklet. But it wasn't there. So I just started signing up willy nilly similar to when you were a third-grader on Valentine's Day and everyone in your class got a card. Even if you hated them. That's what I did. And it was the wrong choice.

Top of my Season Pass list is the re-packaged episodes of "Paradise Hotel," my favorite reality TV show of all time. If you don't understand what I am talking about, please, just give it a chance. It's like "Big Brother" but in a much prettier location, alcohol is mixed in and all the girls are in bikinis. And it's got Toni (of "Love Cruise" and now "Kill Reality" fame), who is literally insane and once yelled at me for not drinking a margarita fast enough. In my defense, it was made with too much mix.

The rest of my list is occupied by the usual suspects: "Family Guy," "The Simpsons," "The Daily Show," "Pardon the Interruption," etc. But then I evidently started to get high with power and continued picking shows just because they had a cool title. Looking back, I think that was wrong because I have about forty hours of TV to watch after two days and Tivo keeps recommending Scooby Doo reruns and shows from the Jesus Network. Note to everyone: don't Wishlist Jesus. He's so omnipresent he will break your Tivo.

p.s. If there's a secret Tivo handshake or any inside secrets, please inform me. I admit that I've been out of the loop. But I'm now in the loop standing inside ready for loop-like things to happen.

Here's my thing about Playboy: if I open the magazine I expect big breasted girls fully nude and posing in provocative positions that involve furniture. I don't want artsy. I don't want just topless pics. I don't want girls hiding behind things or in shadows. And I sure as hell don't want a girl that looks like a boy with her ribs sticking out. I could be cliché and say that I just puked in my mouth after reading this crap. But I won't. I'll just say that I puked in somebody else's mouth and then they went to the restroom and puked it out for me. That's the kind of stuff I pay my personal assistant for.

Will Nicole Go Nude [National Enquirer]

The girlfriend and I also like to "visit dinosaur exhibits." But when we do it, it lasts more than an hour. And we don't bring the kid. And if there's three other people in the room, they better be holding cameras.

Oh wait. They actually visited dinosaur exhibits? That's so lame. They could have at least stolen some brontosaurus bones and made a Dinosaur Carcass Playhouse for Maddox out of them. Just because he keeps coming over wanting to play in mine and it's really getting on my nerves.

Jolie, Pitt Visit Dinosaur Exhibit [AP]

So, once one lives in Hollywood for a long enough period, they start to amass certain weird celebrity stories. Sure, you might see Paris and Lindsay at some club, but who hasn't?? I cherish the "other stories.". Like the one time I was waiting at Rite-Aid at Fairfax and Sunset for Vicodin after getting my wisdom teeth pulled and had a convo with Jerry Stiller (Ben Stiller's real dad & George Constanza's TV dad) about how it's always weird to just buy condoms (and only condoms) at a drug store. Somehow, I feel that you have to take something else up to the counter too, like a Coke or a water gun. Anything just to make it seem like, just maybe, you had come only for the Coke or water gun and decided to buy some condoms as well, for safety's sake.

After hearing that David Charvet had dropped by at some party for something or other last week, I got to tell another one of those "other stories" to a relatively new friend of mine. And this story occurred around the time I first moved to L.A. It's the David Charvet Chewing Gum Story. It goes as follows:

Being relatively new to the area at the time, I was ready and willing for those big celebrity sightings. But one day while waiting in checkout at Rite Aid (the place is a celeb mecca), I ran into Mr. "Baywatch" himself, David Charvet. For those non-"Baywatch" viewers, he was the guy that got to do most of the "base-running" with Pamela Anderson's character, C.J. Parker. Sadly, besides a short stint on "Melrose Place," he's done a whole bunch of nothing since. But, at the time, it didn't matter. I was fresh and new to L.A. and all celebrity sightings were A-list to me.

So, there I was. Standing behind Charvet in the checkout line at Rite-Aid when I noticed that he had three of those smaller 25 cent Big Red packages in his hand. Usually I wouldn't think anything of it, but this was DAVID FRIGGIN CHARVET. He surely could afford the bigger muli-pack of Big Red. It might be a couple cents more, but hey, you get 2 more extra sticks. And those 2 sticks could come in handy if you're David Charvet and making out with an average of 15 hot supermodels a day. Right? So I sprung into action and tapped Charvet on the shoulder:

"You know, the bigger pack has 2 more sticks."

"Oh really? Hmmm."

And that was all he said. He didn't even give my inside tip much thought. It was almost as if it was a joke for him to save some money and get more chewing gum. He turned back around, paid and rode off into the sunset. And up until this day, I still haven't forgotten that meeting. Everytime the name David Charvet comes up in conversation (aka not very often), I instantly mutter out like Rain Man, "Dude's picky about chewing gum." And, for some reason, that makes me extremely happy.

THE END

Pure awesome.

In fact, I think this should become a regular TV series. I want to see more rappers battling prehistoric animals. In fact, that can be the title: "Rappers Battling Prehistoric Animals." I will Tivo: Season Pass that all night and day. Nas going toe to toe with a stegosaurus. 50 Cent fighting some velociraptors. Wu-Tang beating up a brontosaurus just for shits and giggles. Better yet, put them all together and make that the plot of Jurassic Park IV. Then, I'll finally have a reason to go to Universal Studios because they could have a ride that doubles as a rap concert. Again, just an idea I'm throwing out there.

p.s. During my search for more info, I found this kickass picture of that one time I visited my hometown on the back of a gigantic pterodactyl. We flew down really low to the ground and he pretended like he was going to eat some bullies who were hanging out in an alleyway. It was sweet. And, no, this was before this movie and totally my idea.

How did I go the entire weekend without knowing about this incident? Like full on tackle? The return of Borat?? These might be pictures and I might have just printed them for a flipbook. But that is not enough. I want moving footage of this. And I want to replay it over and over. Now.

This has to be the best part:

Cohen, 33, in trunks, leather jacket and Village People-style cap, emerged from the surf on an inflatable turtle.

You have to really feel for Pamela Anderson's kids on this one. Not only do they have to live forever with the fact that every single one of their friends, at the very minimum, has seen their mom totally naked. Now, they also have to contend with the fact that she just got tackled on a beach by a guy who snuck up on her via giant inflatable turtle. Oh, and she was having a wedding for her dogs at the time. Too bad they don't have a Witness Protection Program for embarassed celebrity kids. They could be the charter members for that one.

"No, really. Polo it out, bitch."

"Yeah, Gina Glickman. Horses charity blah blah blah. Back to the Piven. Also, you're looking very mannish in the face. Maybe you should use some concealer next time. And when I say concealer, I mean a paper bag. Okay, enough free tips. Back to the Pivs."

"I like you. I respect you. But you're really creepy to look at when you're outside the Actor's Studio. So if we're going to take a picture together, I'm just going to put on my sunglasses to hide the fear in my eyes. Oh damn. I forgot to give you any context to that statement. That vest makes you look like a backwoods rapist. Seriously. You're not going to be able to say anything at the pearly gates if you wear that."

"Who the hell is this guy?"

"Looking straight ahead. Looking straight ahead. Looking straight ahead."

"You guys can caption this as "The Piv's stock is rising" or "Piv gets drunk and rowdy and starts shooting fake guns in the air." Either one. Your choice. Now...come watch me bang the hell out of that fence over there."

Dude. Free CD case. It will protect your Now That's What I Call Music 19 CD from scratches and inclement weather. How has the NTWICM website not shut down from the barrage of traffic this irresistible offer surely brings?? If it comes with a free track listing on top of that, I'm buying ten copies for myself right now.

A booklet inside, frankly, would be gravy on top. This is so much better than the "IPOD with free earbuds" deal. Because if you drop your IPOD, as many know, those earbuds are not going to provide the proper protection a "free CD Case" would. If Apple was smart, they would jump on the "free CD Case" bandwagon. Or somehow package the IPOD inside a "free CD Case." Best of both worlds.

How does NTWICM keep churning out the hits like this, anyway? Do they have a sweatshop full of 12-year-old girls in a dungeon with computers somewhere? Do dungeons even have computers today? Are these girls working 80-hour-weeks downloading the necessary mp3's for these supreme compilations? They have to be, right? And there's meticulous research involved, too. Who decided to put a Keith Urban song directly before a Backstreet Boys track?? Genius. If those sweatshop girls are responsible, they're genius. They all deserve Happy Meals, in my book.

Preston Federline: Future Frappucino Cup Holder.

Were the proud parents to be influenced by any of these other famous Prestons?

1) Preston Myers

2) Billy Preston

3) Bill S. Preston, Esquire

4) Preston Lacy

5) Preston Sturges

6) Kelly Preston

7) Preston Wilson

8) Robert Preston

We can go ahead and cross Preston Sturges's name out right now. If Britney and KFed were to go the "naming our child based on our favorite literature route", I'd see them going more recent. More popular, maybe. Something like Da Vinci Code Federline. Or He's Just Not That Into You Federline.

According to this photo site, Nick Lachey & Jessica Simpson are still totally married and contemplating buying a $10 million home in the Hollywood Hills:

The sprawling hilltop villa in the Hollywood Hills features a dramatic swimming pool, fountains and open air theatre. The home she reportedly looked at with husband Nick has a European feel with painted frescoes on several ceilings, decadent column pillars and grand courtyards. It also boasts grand sweeping staircases leading up to the front door and spectacular views of LA.

1. How this house hasn't depreciated in value after its owner croaked in the pool while listening to friggin' Coldplay is beyond me. Julie Cooper Nichol Cooper should be in this house. What happened? I'm confused. And kind of angry. I want more Marissa poolchair anger!!! What if Kaitlyn's pony gets lost and starts his own Incredible Journey back to Newport? Where will he go?

2. Does anyone else ever desire a "comedic swimming pool?" I like jokes. So I know that I do.

3. At this exact moment, is Johnny Knoxville banging this house? Cause it seems like he'd do it just to piss Nick off. Okay, I know that's weird. But I just imagined Knoxville walking around banging the fountains and the "decadent column pillars" for some reason. I blame John Waters.

"Well, you see kids. If you kizzle on the playing fizzle, the girls will show you their tizzle and pizzles on the bus ride home. Understizzle?"

You have to admit. Between the ugly dog story and today's story of the Snoopopoly of Rowland Height's best football players, LA Times is killing this week. Just read this blurb and tell me it doesn't make you want to look for the nearest Zoltar wish machine:

Walking with Xavier toward the parking lot, parents and coaches describe rapper Snoop Dogg as a modern-day Pied Piper luring football players with his song "Drop It Like It's Hot" blasting from a school bus pimped out with enough bass, TV screens and gadgetry to persuade any kid to sell out the old for the new.

So...what's the problem? This sounds like the coolest thing imaginable. My little league football bus smelled like ass and we had to triple up on seats. People need to stop complaining and recognize when they have a good thing going. This actually makes me want to start having babies--like right now--before Snoop decides to quit coaching.