Congratultions Sex Lies & Secrets!!

You win a horrible title and an equally awkward cast photo!

Also:

A) Eric Balfour (aka Constant Facial Hair Guy) will forever be the guy that may or may not have knocked up Theresa on The O.C. He also had a kicking Chino birthday party. How did you know it was Chino?? Because the grass wasn't mowed and there was a chain link fence holding the balloons.

B) Only Semi-Attractive Girl is wearing one of my mom's afghans. They were crappy because they were useless at keeping you warm. Therefore, I dislike this character right off the bat. Nice job.

C) I only bought the Dawson's Creek characters playing 10 years younger because they were relatively new and virginal-looking. Denise Richard's popped out one kid and has another on the way. That's just gross. She's about 10 years too late to this party. And she's wearing the CBS emblem. Did UPN even look at this photo first??

If MI-3 does get axed, I have the next career step for the newly improved and so obviously insane/awesome Tom 2.0. He should go back and start remaking all his hits. Same actors, same directors, everything!! Just insert Tom 2.0 into the same role without any mention that he seems a bit older. Of course, there might be some improv involved because Tom 2.0 will affect the outcomes of the movies like a Choose Your Own Adventure book:

Risky Business
Joel invites the hooker over and tells her he wants to marry her and have a bunch of little hooker babies the moment she walks in the door. She's scared and runs away.
Outcome = He doesn't lose his dad's Porsche in the lake, doesn't turn his house into a brothel and, most importantly, doesn't almost break that glass egg thingy (which also effs up The O.C. for an episode, but, wtf). He goes to Princeton.

Top Gun
Maverick doesn't get through pilot training due to the fact that he keeps jumping up and down excitedly in his seat and trying to hug his instructors. He instead joins the professional beach volleyball circuit where he eventually gets dropped for looking at his watch and flexing too much.
Outcome = No awkward sex scenes with Kelly McMannish. Val Kilmer gets mega-pissed because he loses his wingman and his towel-popping partner (insert Sleep With Me monologue here). Goose doesn't die.

Cocktail
Due to the fact that he freakin' LOVES every single customer (male or female), Brian Flanagan becomes the biggest and most famous bartender in Jamaica EVER.
Outcome - Jamaica votes him president in 2007 and renames the island Flanagaica. Coughlin doesn't get to bang Kelly Lynch. He still dies but not as gruesomely. Some hypothesize it's because of the "not-getting-to-bang-Kelly-Lynch thing."

Rain Main
Raymond: "Water burn baby!! Water burn baby!!"
Charlie: "I LOVE burning babies!! Whhhhhhhheeeee!!"
Outcome: An once-innocent drama about the bonds of brotherhood turns into the prequel to Alien Vs. Predator. Let's just call it Austistic Vs. Holy Batshit Crazy.

Days of Thunder
In the name of Scientology, Cole Trickle drives his Nascar into an Olympic-sized pool full of lions.
Outcome: Amazingly, he converts them all before being eaten. He becomes a martyr for all Scientology-Nascar fanatics. Or, as he likes to be called, Steve.

A Few Good Men
Lt. Jaffe: "I want the truth!!"
Col. Jessup: "You can't handle the truth!!!"
Lt. Jaffe: "Yes I can! If you explain it to me. Over dinner, perhaps??"
Outcome: He does explain it to him. And, oh man, is the truth sexy.

Jerry Maguire
Due to his newfound love of the game, Jerry becomes superagent and steals all of Bob Sugar's clients. Unfortunately, he doesn't have Dorothy Boyd at "Hello." She dumps him out of the blue for Kenny Chesney.
Outcome: Jerry gets Rod a deal with Nike and Reebok, the first of its kind. He records "Cush-lash" with Jerry O'Connell's character and makes it a Top 10 hit. On the flip side of the coin, he blames poor little Ray for the breakup and immediately orders the assasination of all 8 of his neighbor's rabbits.

If Sly would have read the SMRT-TV Cliffhanger Report (which btw includes my detailed Playdoh recreation of the O.C. finale), he probably wouldn't have been in the above situation.

Regardless, he also never learned to read.

Which is sad.

:(

Simple math:

Jessica Alba loves couches.

I love couches.

Therefore, Jessica Alba loves me.

On or near aforementioned couch.

Happy Memorial Day!

(pic via just jared)

From today's casting strategy of pulling out the Maxim Hot 100 issue, closing our eyes and just picking a random page:

Carmen Electra has joined the cast of "Cheaper by the Dozen 2" for 20th Century Fox. Steve Martin and Bonnie Hunt return as heads of the Baker family who, while on vacation, find themselves in competition with a rival family of eight children, headed by Eugene Levy. Electra plays Levy's new wife, a former actress.*

*That, my friends, is the sound of Eugene Levy high-fiving every single person he has ever met before in his entire lifetime.

(411 via THR)

Well, apparently, Tommy's list of girlfriends-to-be was longer than originally expected. According to reports in the newest US Weekly, someone slips that there was an secret interview process with a few of the hottest, young women in Hollywood because Tom wanted to pump up his reputation with the young'uns.

That list has been painstakingly recreated above.

p.s. Let's all imagine that Tom took the above denials in stride. Of course, for every one, he did resort to his regular response of kicking a wall, yelling "Fine! Fine!" and softly molesting a paper towel holder.

Related:
The Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes Factor

There's not enough special features in the world to make me want to buy the Beaches:Special Edition DVD.

The fact that it even exists just makes me sick in the stomach. Seriously...huh?? Is there a secret underground Beaches fan club that has been clamoring for this? They'll make a special edition of this atrocity but we can't get special editions of Just One of the Guys, Monster Squad or Rad?? Hell, the last two don't even have their first editions yet. Get on it, DVD making people!! Maybe the solution to this DVD's actual being is in its extras:

A French subtitle option - Not bon. Not bon at all.

Commentary by Gary Marshall - Unless it's a 123-minute apology, this is totally useless.

"Wind Beneath My Wings" music video - Has there ever been a documented death by DVD extra?

Segment from "AFI's 1000 Years...100 Songs" with Bette Midler - That's way too many numbers followed by Bette Midler's name.

Blooper Reel - Hahaha. She really didn't die. She's alive. Cancer is HILARIOUS!!!

Mayim Bialik Remembers - I'm so happy for her.

In conclusion, the DVD is still not worth being a coaster. Or even the coaster to another coaster underneath it just in case the first coaster gets too moist. If someone buys this as a joke birthday gift for me, I will immediately launch it directly at their face.

I have never been happier than I was after Bill Nye the Science Guy exploded. Most annoying character ever.

Does anyone remember how freakin' mean Locke was in The Stepfather? If they're going to survive next season, he's going to have to bring some of that back.

Jack, on the other hand, is still an asshole.

If Hurley died, would a miracle land bridge just appear?

I get happy inside when I see scenes like the one where Sayid said, "Okay...I don't know you, you or you. But go to the caves and be very very quiet or you'll end up like Bill Nye the Science Guy."

Are there really graboids on the island? And if so, does that count in the Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon Game because that would open up a lot of opportunities??

Why did Floppy Wang Guy from Sideways have to kidnap Walt? I'm going to have some serious nightmares because of that all summer long.

I never knew throwing a big flashlight onto a raft would make it explode like that.

When Michael was all sobbing over Walt being stolen and the Asian Guy was possibly saving Sawyer, is it wrong that all I kept thinking was, "I hope that nice watch he gave him is waterproof."

Claire should have named her baby "Driveshaft." It would have been the right thing to do.

In an interview with E!'s Patrick Stinson, Tara Reid drops a tidbit on the direction that this year's Wild On is going to be taking:

"I'm Willy Wonka and I'm going to show you the Chocolate Factory."

As you read this, Wonka Candy has rushed into production the newly imagined favorites, but with a twist. They include Totally Bombed Bars, Slutterfingers and their most popular, the Everlasting Whorestoppers. Oh, and don't forget the contest. One out of of each 100,000 candy items shipped will include a golden ticket. You can use your imagination as to what that wins you. Wink wink.

(Link via Golden Fiddle)

Ain't no party

Like a jean shorts party

Cause a jean shorts party don't stop...

Holla.

Despite J. Alba's inclusion, I was originally on the fence about this summer's Into the Blue. But then I saw this super-intense jetski picture and all fears were vanquished. I mean...look at it. That's not the Paul Walker we know from Fast and the Furiouser. I think he's been taking Intense 101 from Vin Diesel.

Paul: "Dude, look at me. I'm so in the jetski zone."

James Caan's son: "I know, man. Look at you. Capital I intense."

Paul: "You can really tell because my biceps are so huge and my abs are so tight. I'm focusing all my intensity on those areas and that will really show if someone happens to take an on-set picture in the next five to ten seconds."

James Caan's son: "You should really go pro."

Paul: "If I was a lottery pick, I definitely would. Leave movies behind!"

James Caan's son: "Is there even an Intense Jetskiing Association??"

Paul: "I don't know. But I think I just burst some blood vessels."

James Caan's son: "That is SO intense."

Paul: "I know."

Dear God. JLo's posse is ginormous!!

It's kinda like the Mighty Ducks Flying V coming down the sidewalk. At first glance, you'd think, "Oh, it's just that one big black guy." But no. It goes much much deeper than that. Here's a number-coded key:

1) That Huge Black Guy
He has huge glistening muscles. All the better to beat your ass up with. After he first saw Gigli, he personally choked Ben Affleck's entire immediate family.

2) The White Guy Who Wears Patterned Shirts
He always walks two steps in front of JLo. His intricately patterned shirts lure potential stalkers or autograph hounds into a deep sleep.

3) The Old Guy With Thick Glasses
This guy instantly hates everyone. His glasses look old but they're actually really high-tech and James-Bondish. They shoot gamma rays at people who wave too long at JLo.

4) Exposed Ankle Man
This guy has a 3rd degree black belt in Trip Kung Fu. JLo hates having to walk through crowds so he walks ahead and trips anyone that might be in her path.

5)Boris
6)Natasha
Those are just their code names. But these two have been in the posse biz since the Rat Pack days. They were retired living it up in their home in Fiji but JLo dragged them back into the game. You wouldn't know that they're the ringleaders due to the fact that they always walk backwards to prevent blowing their covers. Natasha has a really cool mustache.

7) The Kid Who Always Whistles
The Posse kidnapped him when he was a baby. Now he whistles tunes from JLo's newest album Rebirth at all times. He is also in charge of M&M separation. Don't be fooled by his trendy Bugle Boy shorts. He's mean.

8) Bruce the Robotic Motorcycle
He secretly still pines for JLo after all these years. He's hatching a secret plot to kill Marc Anthony in his non-beauty sleep. After this picture was made, he ran over the passerby who dared to caress him.

For the patent office place, I doth submit:

the Eighties Hottie Beeper

Had I owned one, I would have known about her recent nearness sooner.

related:
Similar to Celebrity Death Beeper, except they're not dying.
Also kinda like Dodgeball , but she doesn't have to know me. Or know I'm near. Shhh.

Dear Nick & Jessica,

Thanks for reading my open letter to ABC a whopping 11 days ago and suddenly making it truth(or not???).

You could have waited a few days, but whatever.

Love,

-J

p.s. Joe Simpson most likely just ran into E! Online with a hammer.

Update: OH COME ON!! Now even my p.s.'s are becoming true?? Nooooo!!!

Update II: Anyone catch last night's episode of 24?? Well...now just substitute Jack Bauer with writer Sarah Hall. Now that the Chinese Joe Simpson have has this proof, for all intensive purposes, she is no longer Sarah Hall.

Okay, either they just had sex right there or Simon is playing the popular childhood game, "My Penis Is Still Touching You Through My Jeans."

FYI, these three pictures make a great flipbook.

Tom: "KEVIN, MAN!! I'M SO IN LOVE!!!! L-O-V-E!!!

Kevin: "That's cool, yo. Love is love."

Tom: "BUT I WANT TO SHOUT IT FROM A MOUNTAINTOP. I LOVE THIS WOMAN SO MUCH. I WANT TO HAVE MEANINGFUL RELATIONSHIP SEX WITH HER. THEN WE'LL HAVE 22 BABIES AND HAVE STEVEN DIRECT EACH AND EVERY BIRTH SO WE CAN SHOW THE WORLD HOW STUPENDOUS REAL LOVE REALLY IS!!"

Kevin: "Marriage is dumb. Relationships are dumb."

Tom: "I WANT TO BUY UP AN ENTIRE THIRD-WORLD COUNTRY AND ALL OF ITS INHABITANTS AND CALL IT TOMLOVESKATIELAND. WE'LL RETIRE THERE AND BE THE KING AND QUEEN AND EVERYONE ELSE WILL DANCE AND SING SONGS THAT WILL CELEBRATE OUR GIGANTIC LOVE. WE WON'T OFFER THEM PAYMENT BUT OUR SO OBVIOUS LOVE FOR EACH OTHER WILL BE ENOUGH."

Kevin: "Yo, can I bum a cig?"

Tom: "NOPE. I ONLY SMOKE THE CIGARETTE OF LOVE. YAYYYY!!! WHERE IS KATIE?? I AM SO HORNY FOR EMOTION RIGHT NOW!!!

Kevin: "Uhhhhhhhh..."

Tom: "IF MY LOVE FOR KATIE WAS A MOVIE, I THINK IT WOULD BE JUST LIKE WAR OF THE WORLDS, COMING JUNE 29TH. BOTH ARE HUGE AND FANTASTIC AND FULL OF SPECIAL EFFECTS AND ALL-ENCOMPASSING AND GRAND AND AWESOME AND COOL AND PHAT AND LARGE AND SEXY AND EYE-GOUGING..."

Phil Spector, everyone.

Extremely guilty of non-hair brushage in the first degree.

I rest my case.

Thank you Defamer.

So...in the last four hours, as the Dude would say, shat has come to light.

Tom Cruise, according to Liz Smith, has his gamma rays set on this girl for the role of Hot Chick That Might Be Bad But Probably Will Die Just Minutes After Sucking Face With Tom 2.0.

I have a few different theories, Liz Smith.

A) You're old.

B) Tom 2.0 hasn't cast any females yet. Instead, he's given every female in Hollywood a super secret sexy decoder ring. And at a certain time in the future, as he deems fit, he will become all Captain Planet-like and call a select few to do his bidding in MI-3 (SALMA HAYEK, BREASTS!!).

C) In a race to save time, he might just start calling out names, through gossip sites such as yours or during interviews, who are not up for a role in the movie. Actually I like this option best. Therefore, it is true.

It is official. Tom Cruise is so obviously insane.

AND TOTALLY AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's come to a point in which I can't wait to see what he does or says next. It's like he's a whirling dervish of PR possibilities, ravaging the countryside and picking up cars, houses and small babies with his awesomeness. I don't even care anymore if his relationship with Joey Potter is a sham. If she is what had to happen to bring to the surface Tom Cruise 2.0, glory be it.

Now comes the news that A) Tom 2.0 thinks Kate Bosworth is hawt and B) he kinda wants Joey Potter in Mission Pimppossible 3 as well???

When is this movie coming out??? I'm beginning to think it's not even going to have missions in it. It's just going to be Tom 2.0 and plot devices having him make out with every chick under the sun:

-The first scene must be shocking!! Maybe Tom 2.0 making out with some old broad and then, surprise, she keeps taking off her masks as she gets younger and younger and younger...until he's making out with the hottest fetus of all time.

-The main plot will be about how Tom 2.0 must steal something or find out who's doublecrossing him or anything else mission-y. But the real mission is how he'll ooze sexiness all over the screen with a velocity so rapid-fire and thick that you'll need a squeegee to wipe it off.

-In the middle of the movie, he'll get tired of being so sexy and drive a motorcycle through a cascading waterfall of supermodels, at which he'll of course be obliged to stop and make out with each and every one.

-The conclusion will have Tom 2.0 laughing and saving the day. Then, he'll look directly at the camera lens and say, "Instead of the end credits, I'm going to run a list of all the hot chicks I've banged."

BY FAR the BEST photograph of the day.

Our Nicole is either funny ha-ha or very very stupid.

"Hey guys. It's me. John Walsh. You know, I host America's Most Wanted. Oh come on. You've never seen Adam? Uhhh...no. I wasn't in it. I can't believe you've never seen it! What's it about, you say? Well it's based on a true story about me, my wife and son..."

Yes, everyone. No one ruins a slamming beer party like John Walsh.

After picking up my daily cold coffee drink this morning, a bum confronted me in the parking lot of Starbucks. Being a regular change-giver-outer, I reached in my pocket for the few dimes and a quarter I had leftover.

But, out of nowhere, I was flummoxed as he instead started lauding Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith while using excited bum hand movements.

This bum didn't want change. He had morphed into Spoiler Bum!!

"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!"

I said it all in slow motion as I tried to do a juke move out of his spoiler way. Unfortunately, I was too slow as his right hand, now in light-saber mode, swiped my Mocha Frappuccino and its remnants spilled throughout the air.

"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!"

It was too late. The parking lot pavement was now enjoying my Starbucks. And as Spoiler Bum kept saying something or other about Mace Windu dying and Palpatine and blah blah blah, I jumped into my car and sped away.

There really is no words.

The first footage from Paris's movie, Bottoms Up, has hit.

The first minute or so is all you need. Trust me.

Everyone knows Morgan Freeman. He's been in every other movie released in Hollywood since about 1970. Sometimes he's in lead roles. Other times he seemingly accepts parts as a background extra just to fill up his extensive IMDB page. He's like a real-live Agent Smith, replicating himself all over the freakin' place. In fact, in the year 2010, Morgan Freeman will be so omnipresent that you'll be able to ask him personally every time you want to make a right turn at a red light. Yes, he'll be that everywhere.

But if you've ever had the pleasure to know the real, honest-to-goodness Morgan Freeman, you know that his real passion doesn't lie in acting. Oh no. What he really really really loves more than life itself...is making mix CD's. I learn this about every other couple weeks when I have brief convos with Morgan Freeman on my walks around L.A.'s Runyon Canyon. (Yes, it seems like he's always there, too.)

It usually goes like this:

Morgan: Hey, Justin. How's it going?

Me: Good, Morgan. Good. The family?

Morgan: They're great. Thanks for asking.

Me: No problem. Catch ya next time.

(At this point, I unsuccessfully try to jog away)

Morgan: Hey, J. Can I ask you something?

Me: (knowing what's coming) Ummm...sure, MF. What's up?

Morgan: Please let me make a mix CD for you!! Please!!

Me: Morgan, I already told you. You've made me 87 already.

Morgan: But I've got some new hot beats I've got to burn for ya.

Me: Okay, but this is the LAST time. Okay?

Morgan: Last time. I got it. Promise.

I now own approximately 3432 mix CD's made by Mr. Freeman. The influx has been so ridiculous that I tiled my entire kitchen and bathroom. I would say that he has some kind of obsessive disorder, but I'm not one to knock another man's passion. All I can hope is that he finds what he's looking for in those mounds of CD-R's that he most likely swims in every day.

Note that Nick Denton's head just barely fits the cover.

Mucho props to the design department.

Blogebrity

Update: Just a funny hoax??

(SPOILERS, y'all)
Is it just me or did the cast of Lost just find One-Eyed-Willy's pirate ship in last night's episode??? You know, the one that Mikey, Mouth, Chunk, Data, etc., just allowed to sail away into the distance at the end of one of the best movies of all time. As a six-year-old watching that scene, I always wondered why they didn't all start swimming for that thing. If they really cared about the Goondocks, they would have. Out of a dozen people, someone was sure not to drown. Personally, I would have sent Rosalita. I bet she had some hidden Olympic-swimmer past that she didn't note on her employment application.

Anyways, if they really did find Willy's ship, they should be happy. Chester Copperpot didn't make it that far and their ship is now much bigger than that measly thing Sawyer and the other guys are sailing blindly into the ocean. I guess all will be revealed in next week's two-hour episode.

Related:
Gooniepalooza - The 20th Anniversary Celebration

"Dude, when is Brit going to let me drive this thang? I think I can do it. Man, this Ferrari is...a Ferrari. It's fast. Like really fast. I think if I push the pedal down harder, the motor will make a noise. Uhhhh...yeah. There it went. Where the hell is she? Oh right. In Starbucks. (5 minutes of straight silence) Gotta buy some cigs, dawg. Man I love cigs. Almost as much as I love...love. And chicks. And babies. In fact, if I could have my own island, I would put a lot of Ferraris, chicks, babies and cigarettes on it. I'd call it Kevin FederIsle. Damn. That sounds tight. I think I'll lay down some phat tracks about it tonight in the studio. But first, gotta buy some cigs. Mmmmmmmm...cigs."

These real-time notes are courtesy of The (21 year-old)Girlfriend:







My take on Chaotic?

It was as if I was promised an hour-long trip to Sea World as a child. But just as I showed up, instead of happy and fun, there was no sea, no sea animals and no world. Just a big black sucking hole of unintelligence. Yep. That's about it.

See also:
Immoderation Lindsay's liveblogging
Overeducated liveblogs it too
Britney's Chaotic Stinker

Now that Episode III is finished and "in the can," I don't think George Lucas really understands that, truthfully, we don't need him anymore.

(Pic via Globe Photos)

Then, a full 10 minutes and 34 seconds later...



(Pics via Jessica Alba ws)

One of the kids in this picture just got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

Guess which one??

p.s. It's not the chubby cheeks kid.

p.p.s. Or the kid looking directly at the camera lens.

p.p.p.s. Yep. I didn't believe it either.

This is what happens when friends let friends take Tylenol PM.

Did anyone else watch last night's episode of The Bachelor? I haven't seen any episodes of it thus far this season, but HUH??

I only caught the last hour of it last night but I think I watched enough to confuse me. At the top of the list, did Brother O'Connell scare off all the attractive girls? Because choosing between the final two must have been excrutiating. One girl had a voice that caused actual pain throughout my entire body (even with the PM) while the other girl looked exactly like that cheerleader girl who always got pregnant her junior year of high school but still kept cheerleading. You know, the one with the depressing I Can't Believe It's Not Butter face (see above).

I dozed off for a second and woke up to both girls insisting that they were FRIENDS FIRST with Brother O'Connell, which I guess means they were all chummy for the first 2 days of the entire shoot?? Then sex? I don't know. I dozed off again and woke up to find BOC giving the bad news speech to Annoying Voice Girl in some godawful looking green-room. He was crying and she was really "I just won a car on Price Is Right" happy. I was confused. So I fell asleep.

That's all I got. Worst finale ever.

Over the weekend, Bo Bice jumped into a time travel machine and set the date to, I don't know, 3 years from now.

There, he jammed at a Alabama Wal-Mart with what's left of Lynyrd Skynyrd.

If I was there, I would have tried to stop Bo by showing him on a chalkboard how his actions could severely screw up the space-time continuium. But he didn't invite me, so in the words of my cousin, "Neener neener boo boo." Let his kids have 3 heads.

This just in!!!! Bob Woodward loves the word "serious." And he says something or other about vacuums but fails to mention that 2008 is approximately 76.4 years away in "Cheney-time."


On the other hand, May 31st can't come soon enough. My Yahoo News Alert for "miss universe swimsuits" has become just like Christmas every morning to me. I love the Internets.

My haiku:

Jack's a huge asshole
Someone punch him in the mouth
Who's the doctor now?

More SMRT-TV Lost haikus...

In a radio interview with LA's 102.7 KIIS-FM immediately following her performance at Wango Tango Saturday, Lindsay Lohan let the news slip that she's going to China soon to film a BIG movie.

"What movie? Can you answer that," said the radio guy immediately as Lohan was still wet with sweat from the stage.

"Mission Impossible 3. Shhhh. You're the first ones I've told."

Soooo...ummm, I guess this is breaking news. Because I don't see it anywhere. Lindsay must be taking the role left vacant just recently by Scarlet Johansson (who coincidentally was mentioned in the LAT's Lohan article this past weekend.)

After the Katie Holmes debacle and this news, I totally imagine Tom Cruise with a Teen People subscription on a lazy Saturday, thumbing through it for girlfriends, casting possibilities, etc.

THE DAY AFTER UPDATE:
MISS LOHAN CONFIRMS I'M NOT CRAZY!!!

THE DAY AFTER DAY AFTER UPDATE:
Page Six, who gets the date wrong, and many others "break" the news.

"Soooo...Ryan, do you want this Care Bear's sloppy seconds or what??"

Best parts of last night's episode of The O.C.:

1. The death of a major character. Good job FOX. Nice to see you listening
2. The whole idea of an Under the O.C. dance
3. That Coldplay song
4. George Lucas's non-verbal acting
5. The one scene with ThatWhore, who as Ron Burgundy would say, "needs to go back to Whore Island." She either needs to continue screwing the entire cast or fade away into Minorcharacterland.
6. That Coors Lite commercial (see below)

Has anyone seen these Silver Bullet "plastic bottle cooler boxes" in stores yet?? On the "Man I Should Have Thought Of That Meter," this rates a solid 9.5. I don't know if it's going to revolutionize the beer industry, but it's definitely going to score points with the extremely lazy crowd. Maybe I'm the only one that caught this??

Dear ABC,

Sorry, but there is no way in hell I am watching your upcoming super-special Nick and Jessica's Tour of Duty.

I wish I could say that I'm afraid. Afraid that maybe, just maybe, I might watch the show and get totally wrapped up in Nick and Jessica's overwhelming love for each other. Look! It's bursting out! Their love! All over each other and all over those poor military men and women's faces! Love everywhere!! Can't you see it! Let's revel in it!

No thanks. Why would I want to get all caught up in that? It's like that time that someone tricked me into watching Dead Man Walking. I watched it, got all emotional about Sean Penn and his trials and tribulations...then he died. Nooooo!!! If I invest the emotions, there needs to be some kind of happy ending. If I wanted to watch real life, I would have rented a documentary. I want Sean Penn either digging out of prison with a spoon or inexplicably dressing up like a woman to sneak out past the guards. And then, once he's out, I want a big song and dance routine with rainbows and kittens and stories about childhood.

But, I digress. As you can see, I've seen through your shenanigans. Nick and Jessica are just going to officially break up after this special airs. It's written in a contract somewhere in your contract department in a contract drawer that they must keep up the happy front for good PR. Well, you know what? PR can ruin lives. Stick that on your happy website.

Sendcelery,

Me

I must have been a huge vagina as a kid.

I remember the 8-bit Nintendo Friday the 13th game as being scary. I would play it in the dark late at night when I was supposed to be already asleep. Usually on a school night. When my eyes got tired from watching the scrambled Skinemax.

But, playing it today, it might be one of the worst video games of all time.

I thought Jason was in this game. But apparently it's all about finding magic potions and throwing rocks at zombies. What a crock. I really feel for the people that probably paid $40 for this game back in 1990, hoping for some Contra vs. Jason action, and got this instead.

Hindsight can really suck sometimes.

Related: "Wild Thing" and "Funky Cold Medina" by Tone Loc are the same freakin' song. It really pains me to write that.

This playhouse was a bad choice.

Dammit, I'm such an idiot. I thought to myself, hey, property values in the Los Angeles area are skyrocketing. I might as well cash in a few chips and buy something small, you know, comfortable. Just for the time being while I plan out my next move. But this is ridiculous.

Look at my girlfriend. What a fakeass smile. She hates it too. I just know it. She might even dump me. I am so not even getting a kiss on the cheek before she goes home for naptime today. You know what? Screw her. I've got this cool new Bugle Boy shirt on and I will flaunt it. I'm too young to settle down anyways. Sow my oats!

Holy shit, I think I'm stuck in this window. Is it even a window? It doesn't even have shutters like that window right there. What a sham. I guess I'll just have to stand her stuck and smile. I shouldn't let her know that I'm depressed. Happy. Think happy thoughts. Ughhhhhhhh. Still stuck, though.

I am so not watering those flowers. I am telling you that right now.

Whose bright idea was it to put a doorbell on this thing? Thanks a lot. Because I wouldn't want anyone to sneak up on me, you know, in my house that I can't even properly stand up in or fully shut the door. Jesus. I might just start crying. And if I do, it's not because I'm a baby. It's because I'm hungry and I want my mom. Ughhhhhhhhh...nope. Still stuck.

Kid: "Hello, Sir. May I buy one of your delicious Nutty Buddies?"

Ice Cream Dude: "What did you call me?"

Kid: "Ummmm....Sir?"

Ice Cream Dude: "I will DESTROY YOU!!!!!!!"

(This is when he pulls a Nutty Buddy launcher out of his ice cream truck and starts to Nutty Buddy the poor defenseless youngster to death.)

Kid: "What the....NOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!"

Annnnnnnnnd scene!

MUST READ---BEST STORY EVER.