Granted, a fresh Botox session can make smiling look a tad more difficult than it probably is. But, in theory, it's still supposed to turn you into the younger-looking version of yourself. Not Janice Dickinson. Although, that'd be a good trick for Halloween. I think I'd rather look like MacGuyver than Janice Dickinson, though. Then, while smiling, I'd be able to build the homeless some houses out of toothpicks and gum. Or fix the ozone with some bubble tape. Or, even better, fix the ozone with the homeless! Just staple some of them up there to cover those holes. I'm just kidding!! I would never use staples on the ozone. That's just wrong.

Why was Justin watching the terrible 1991 movie, Curly Sue (coincidentally the last movie John Hughes directed), on a Friday afternoon?

A) He's a loser
B) He's working on a project about really bad movies
C) He's scared of clowns
D) All of the above

If you chose D, you win, uhhh, this Curly Sue screencap of a 27-year-old Steve Carell in his first film role as Tesio the Waiter. He has 10 seconds of screentime and no speaking lines. He even discussed it briefly in this USA Today profile by saying, ""If you can spot me, I'll give you $10." So, for the next few weeks, because I'm a cheap bastard, I will be following Carell around town on my 10-speed bicycle looking for my reward. I'm not kidding. I'll even follow him in the snow if he decides to enter a skiing tournament. My bike has those capabilities.

"Ten dollars!! I want my TEN DOLLARS!!!!"

Nothing screams ready-for-more-edgy roles like a future Skinemax flick. If Anne Hathaway wanted to prove she's all grown up and stuff, she could have at least decided to go naked for a theatrical release. No such luck, Ms. Thermopolis. Instead, her next film Havoc (costarring Bijou Phillips of all people) will be released direct-to-DVD November 29th in three different versions: R-rated, Unrated and (for those of you in office cubicles) Julie Andrews-rated (shown below).




(Click on Julie Andrews's heads for the NSFW pics)
(Full bright-tastic collage here)
EDIT: More pics/moving JulieAndrewsVision now found here.

I was kinda surprised when I saw this picture from today's episode of MTV's "TRL." Mostly due to the fact that the show is still on the air (WTF, who knew?), but also because of I what I found lurking in the background:





The evidence is there, Trent.

Now, inquiring minds want to know:

Was it a pick or a scratch?

Lindsay Lohan. On a beach like this. But nuder.

The best part about this story, besides the most obvious, is that Paris Hilton inspired someone. It might as well be "No Means Yes Day." Actually, you heard it here first. Today is officially "No Means Yes Day."

Sometimes, celebrity PR is like a seesaw. Earlier today, it came out that Jennifer Aniston has been comparing Angelina Jolie to Gollum in casual conversation. I guess this would mean that Brad Pitt is the Ring and Aniston would be Frodo?? Hell if I know. But the fact that there's really no Gandalf in the equation made me lose interest quickly. Until...now. Jolie's daddy, Jon Voight, has piped up in the "Who Does Angelina Remind You Of War" because his relationship with his daughter is so great he's got a flick coming up. Whose name dropped? If you guessed the recently deceased Pope John Paul II, you win a Pop Tart:

I know how he (the pope) behaves with people and my daughter has the same response to people; she likes to interact with people.

Generalization Police!!! Wooooooo!! While we're at it, let's just go ahead and start comparing Angelina to Jesus. He loved interacting, right? But not the bloody Jesus like in that Mel Gibson movie. More like the sneaky Jesus who tells you to turn your head and then filches your boyfriend. Or the one that steals babies but tells everyone they're adopted. Or the one that says, hey, I'm totally not going to steal your WWJD bracelet idea, but goes behind your back and does it anyway!!! Hahaha, I'm just kidding about that last one, Jesus. We're cool.

EDIT: Wait a sec. The Pope is dead and Gollum died in some lava. Was Angelina in some kind of Final Destination incident with both of them that I didn't read about?

Not a big surprise here, but Ozzy Osbourne is one freaky dude. It came out today that he cheated on Sharon the day that baby Jack came home from the hospital. Okay, he really didn't cheat as much as pull the ole Robert Downey Jr. um-whose-bed-is-this trick. According to the Sun, Sharon describes the strange incident in her memoirs:

Ozzy was loaded when he got to the hospital. Then he collapsed and went home. My assistant popped in to see if he was OK and found him in bed with the nanny. She wasn’t a beautiful blonde — she was an ugly old cow.

If I learned anything from Mary Poppins, it's that I'm pretty sure British cows aren't designed for babysitting. Cows are meant for grazing, eating, milking and tipping. Even if you did decide that a cow watching your newborn could be anywhere in the ballpark of good ideas, wouldn't you want a hot, young cow for the position? Personally, I'd want the hottest cow in the neighborhood because I'm competitive like that. But I wouldn't make Ozzy's mistake of allowing the cow to live in my house because I would be afraid I'd be magically influenced into falling in love with the cow like the dad in Poppins. Especially if the cow sings songs to birds, cleans up toys by pointing at them and flies around with an umbrella. What's not to love, magic or not, when that's the case.

Borat: If I host here, can I host in a room with a light?
MTV Europe: Yeah. Everyone gets to host in a room with a light.
Borat: Great success!!!!

Usher prefers being man-handed 20% of the time.

Dear Ryan Murphy,

I finally caught up on most of the TV I missed last week due to the erratic hours of TV post-production. Today, I watched the season premiere of your show, "Nip/Tuck," now in its third season. The only thing I noticed is that A) it kinda-sorta sucked and B)I really miss blind Rebecca Gayheart. First, please stop the kinda-sorta suckage. Your show is way too good for that. Second, bring back the Gayheart. She needs to become a more frequent-er guest star. If she doesn't, I swear that I will continue to post embarrassing 80's hair pictures from her days back in high school. I've got a buttload. Don't tempt me.

~Justin

I just received this email from a college buddy. It made my day:

Dude.

I just bought these for my mom.

She's a recovering alcoholic.

But she LOVES flowers!!!

That will not turn out well. 100% guaranteed.

Congrats Kate!!

This reminds me of the first time I read "Purple" back in high school. My main gripe, which I voiced to the teacher, was that there wasn't enough coked-up supermodels in the classic book. She didn't agree and I was given afterschool detention. There wasn't enough coked-up supermodels in there either. But, hey, that's high school. The coked-up supermodels at my high school got to leave early every day. I'm still jealous and to this day constantly disappointed at the lack of coked-up supermodels everywhere I go. Especially the grocery store. And, you know, in my closet.

Just when you thought Dakota Fanning couldn't get a bigger head in "the business," she goes and pulls something like bringing a two-month-old issue of Entertainment Weekly that proclaimed her as the "Most Powerful Actress In Hollywood" to her own movie premiere.

AND TOTALLY REDEEMS HERSELF!!!

Hell, I'd be doing the same thing. I once got all A's in third grade and I'm still carrying around that report card. I don't think it's helped much in my job interviews, but I always hope they recognize the struggles I've been through to keep from losing an 18-year-old piece of paper. Come to think of it, I should really laminate it. Do laminating stores even exist?

(click to enlarge)

Oh come on. It's never too early to start looking towards the future.

While enjoying her daily meal of unsweetened ice tea with some small leaves in it, Nicole Richie celebrated her birthday at the Ivy yesterday by clapping her bony hands and lifting them gingerly up into the sky - before immediately being sucked up by an alien tractor beam and whisked away to never be thought of again.

(SPOILERS AHEAD)

HOLY FRIGGIN' AWESOME!!

Now who saw that coming?? There was actually something in that hatch at the bottom of the ladder. SOME FOREIGN MEATHEAD WITH GUNS!! I went to a concert last night so I had to Tivo it and I just watched it. But dayum. That's much worse than any monster or polar bear. Crap, the guy is stocked with protein shakes, steroids and some kind of creepy MS-DOS program with the computer monitor always on frowny face. Next week, he's probably going to challenge all the survivors to some kind of Ironman triathlon challenge and throw a boulder on the weakest link like in Lord of the Flies. No wonder "the Others" quarantined that dude. I wouldn't want to deal with his Atkins-diet-following, Mama-Cass-listening, let's-build-our-own-personal-Soloflex-out-of-some-bamboo-and-twigs bullshit either. Terrible.

Perfect episode, though. Five stars.

I'm not a clothing designer or anything. But if Jessica Simpson is tired of fielding questions about if she's pregnant or not, maybe she shouldn't wear clothing at red carpet events that make her look really really pregnant.

Just a thought.

Please trust me on this. I'm not all about stupid celebrity gossip tidbits. I'm about caring as well. So listen up. Whatever you do, don't let friends drink and play Marble Madness on 8-bit Nintendo. You might think that it's doable, that you can manuever these weird little orbs down a hill and through tubes and over bumps successfully, but it's not. It's downright maddening. Especially when you get down to the place where the rubber hammer thingees start trying to break you. Or the black marble starts being a douche and trying to knock you off for absolutely no reason at all. Or at the end where your marble is all of a sudden in space and paths start disappearing and reappearing again!! WTF indeed. It sucks. So, of course, don't drink and drive. But, also, don't drink, drive and play Marble Madness because it's really really hard. And geeky. But more hard than geeky.

Here we find two acting greats, who mysteriously have never appeared in a film together, meeting up for the first time today in Hollywood. Although Penn looks weirdly uncomfortable, I fully understand because I've heard that Sly is a close talker. But...this finally gives me the chance to do this:

Sylvester Stallone was at Mike Medavoy's Walk Of Fame Ceremony (2005) with Sean Penn
Sean Penn was in Mystic River (2003) with Kevin Bacon.

Yes. This is what I think about when I see pictures like this. It's very very nerdy. But the guy behind them in the pic is thinking the same thing. Look at how he's licking his lips.

"This closes so many gaps!!"

The Kevin Bacon Game is serious business here in Hollywood.

Excuse me for being insensitive, but this is the worst PR gossip ever. It's not sexy at all. It's actually very unsexy (which is a Hollywood publicist's worst nightmare). When I hear about Jessica Alba having a big heart and bailing fat people out by buying them first-class seats, that doesn't make me want to go see her upcoming movie, Into The Blue, also starring intense-jetskiing Paul Walker, at all. It makes me want to get fat and somehow end up on an airplane with Jessica Alba. Then maybe she'd finally realize how deep our love goes. But I don't always trust these stories so I'm not going to start funneling Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey just yet.

You want to know how this PR gossip story could have been spun to get more butts in the Into The Blue seats? This would have been an option:

Jessica Alba is sexy. So sexy that when the "Into The Blue" beauty boarded a New York-L.A. flight that was delayed because no one would sack up and sit in the exit row, she took matters into her own, wait for it, sexy hands. Quickly gathering the attention of her fellow passengers, she promised that the first guy who volunteered to sit in the exit row would get a 5-minute makeout session with her. With tongue. When the lucky man came rushing forward, she pushed him into his longer-legroom seat and started passionately kissing him. This continued for about 4 minutes until the ravenous pair violently knocked against the exit door and both fell out of the airplane. Luckily, Jessica Alba broke the young man's fall. Unfortunately, she died. (But, hey, you can still check her out (in a bikini!) in Into The Blue, coming to theaters September 30th).

See? That would make me want to see it.

Jessica Alba Saves The Day [National Enquirer]

Continuing in her relentless and creative efforts to get photographed at any cost, Paris Hilton was pulled over for speeding on Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills today. Which, for those who know the area's traffic patterns, is seemingly impossible unless you're driving some kind of flying hovercraft. But, hey, if anyone can do it, Paris can. And she did, reportedly, to the tune of two tickets: one for speeding and one for not having a license plate. Do you think she took the financially minor slaps to the wrist like a woman? Good heavens no. She instantly teleported back to the use of middle school etiquette and blamed her B.F.F.'s, the paparazzi.

"Those cameramen followed me and made me go so fast, Officer. And there's a porno out there with me in it and I can't have whatever friend I choose in the next season of Simple Life and my fiancee's parents hate me even though it's a sham and my acting is terrible because I have to memorize lines and I gave away my dog because it got too big and waaah waaah waaaaaah!!!!"

Oh come on. She totally said all that.

Where: The Bar (5851 Sunset Blvd)
When: Saturday (9/17) evening
Why: Someone's birthday
Who: Ryan Atwood, Neal Schweiber and Feast Writer Who Talks Too Much

If it's not the really random and slightly famous person out of nowhere (i.e. David Charvet), my celebrity sightings usually follow the Rule of Three. I'll never ever see three equally famous people in the same bar or club. For example, It'll always be a B-list star coming out of the bathroom and two C-list stars in the parking lot. Always in triplicates. And it happened that way on Saturday night where I saw Ben McKenzie (B-list), Samm Levine (C-list) and Marcus Dunstan(um, E-list?) in the same room. Levine was actually very short and Dunstan was unremarkably very talkative, but McKenzie was the surprise. If he was anything like the character he plays on T.V., you'd think he'd be brooding in the corner, drinking some Scotch and wanting to hit something. But the dude LOVES TO DANCE!! This conversation happened at least 3 times during the night amongst my friends:

"Did that O.C. guy leave?"

"No, dude. He's still over there dancing!"

"Dude likes to dance, I guess."

And he did. I saw him dance (with a girl!) to Madonna's "Into The Groove" and he freakin' cut a rug. And I've never even used or thought of that phrase until I saw it. But that's what he did. Josh Schwartz must be holding the brother back. He could be the next Swayze, minus a few inches (it seems like he came up to my elbow). You heard it here first: Ben McSwayze in Breakin 3: Electric Boogaloo 4Ever.

*Dedicated to my favorite Defamer feature

Ugggh. Emmy partying hurt head.

I was going to liveblog the Emmys. Then I looked around and everyone and their sister was doing that. Then, I thought, maybe I should liveblog the liveblogging of the Emmys?? But that was too confusing. So I decided to throw a huge Emmy bash with clowns, pinatas and strippers. But no one pitched in so I had to entertain everyone by myself! It sucked. Clowns are all about me!me!me! And strippers, man. Let me tell you. They hate pinatas.

But, as this broken Mr. T pinata that is staring me in the face is my witness, I will post something or other later on today. Until then, check out the very first issue of SMRT-TV's 2nd season. Besides hazing me, they have me writing daily TV blurbs over there now. So it's like a real job. But they pay me in fake Life money. And they don't give me the little cars. Or the little peg kids. So it's not as fun. In conclusion, I don't know what I was thinking in agreeing to do it. Oh well.

You have to admit. They are kinda like boys.

At least in the breast size department.

Zing.

Olsen Twins Like Boys [E!Online]

Unfortunately, no one was beaten with it. But someone in J Lo's posse (remember them?? ) did remember the first of the 5 Rules of Combat with Angry Women Owning Fake Legs:

1) Knock off the leg. She falls down.

2) Better yet...hide the leg. Make it a fun game for everyone.

3) Wondering where to hide it? How about somewhere you wouldn't expect to find a fake leg. Like at the Fake Arm Store.

4) If the owner of the Fake Arm Store starts to complain, hit him in the face with the fake leg. Then continue to hit him with every one of his store's fake arms. There should be a large variety to choose from there. If not, call shenanigans on the store owner for running a terrible Fake Arm Store!!!

5) Once the fake leg owner has learned her lesson, give it back to her and tell her about your whole fake appendage adventure. You'll all probably have a good laugh at this. Then, while she isn't looking, kick out her leg again and start the whole process over. Yay!!

p.s. If it seems like I have an obsession with prosthetic limbs, you'd be right. It all stems from having a first-grade classmate who had a fake arm with the little claw thingy. I was always afraid he was going to gut me to death when our class played Red Rover. Looking back, I guess that was wrong. Oh well. Here's a funny Heather Mills McCartney pic!!!

Heather Mills Loses Artificial Limb [Hello!]

Too easy. It's got to be a trick question, right? But you have to take into account that it's Fashion Week, so the fashion conscious bums are out full force in NYC and making more of an effort in their attire. And both of these girls are scappy as all hell in hand-to-hand combat. So think about that as well.

(insert Jeopardy music here)

FINALLY.

My question (from way back in June) still remains, though:

When Britney's water eventually breaks, will it actually "break" or just ooze out like the icing on top of a Cinnabon??

That is all.

EDIT:
HUGE NEWS!!!! Maaaan, I fought through hell traffic on La Cienega to get this scoop. But here is the first picture, ANYWHERE, of Sean Preston Federline.

Who needs shrinks when you have Ask Metafilter? If you've never heard of it, it's like Ask Jeeves but instead of being steered to random ass websites that don't answer your question ("I already know Carmen Sandiego is on the 'Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego' website, dude!!"), people who you've never met come out of the woodwork to give you bad advice.

Today's question comes from Anonymous, who simply titled his entry, "help me get more awesome."

I don't feel like an exceptionally cool or likeable person. Maybe I am and have low self-esteem, whatever. That's not what this is about.I want to become someone that people say is a "great guy." What kind of qualities would you say makes someone such? How to they act in everyday conversations?

Right off the bat, Jesse Helms responded from his "still-alive bed":

This is the impossible question. How about, always stand up for yourself, admit your mistakes, drink whiskey, and in every situation talk to the prettiest girl in the room.

To which some random dude named Geoff quickly responded with:

Dude no way. Low self esteem guys are so lame when drunk. It's like watching Bill Cosby turn into Dr. Dre, everyone is all "WTF?"

Hours inexplicably went by as many Metafiler users surely contemplated this strange sentence. That is, until abcde brought it home:

Incidentally, Bill Cosby lives near here and I've heard he's a mean drunk and always brags how much money he has.

You heard it here first. If you want to get more awesome, you need to start hanging with Bill Cosby. No doubt.

p.s. In defense of Geoff (see above), I did edit his advice a bit. His brilliant "other" words on how to be more awesome follow (as a guide for all):

Everyone's definition of a great guy is different. A great guy is the guy who brings Xanax to your party even if it's really lame and no one shows up. He acts like it's the best party in the world and keeps complimenting you on it. You can't try to be this guy you just are.

A great guy also doesn't ask questions. You know if you're on a party and your best friend is getting on the ugly chick and someone like me would run a cockblock route and stop it at the pass. A great guy would not do this he'd just let be and never mention it. He'd let you have your own guilty secret. See a great guy can't be defined.

The best advice I have is be you 100x. So if you're a nerd and you're depressing and no one likes you, really play that up. As long as you have a non-annoying personality or a personality that's not too mainstream you'll get invited to all the cool parties.

Conversation I Had Today With Charlie The Bum (Who Sits Daily Outside the 7-11 Three Blocks From My Apartment on Sunset Blvd.)

Charlie: Heeey man! What's up! Haven't seen you in a while!

Me: Keepin' busy, man. Keepin' busy.

Charlie: What you been doin', man?

Me: Well, I work in TV.

Charlie: I love TV!!

Me: Me too.

Charlie: Did I ever tell you I wanted to be an astronaut?

Me: No, you didn't.

Charlie: Yeah, man. I wanted to go into space.

Me: That's awesome. Don't let that dream die.

Charlie: Hell, man. I'm way too old to go into space.

Me: Clint Eastwood went into space once. In a movie.

Charlie: No shit?

Me: No shit.

Charlie: Well, I'll be.

Me: Yep.

Charlie: Space.

Me: Uh huh.

(Long awkward pause)

Me: All right. Later on then.

I always imagined that Tom Cruise's house would have a drawbridge and a moat and some random zoo animals grazing the yard that he believed were Scientologists in their past lives. But this one, which he allegedly just bought in Santa Barbara, looks pretty...normal. And it's just two doors down from Oprah's house. So he can always walk (or teleport or whatever he does) over and borrow eggs or sugar. Eggs made of gold and finely granulated sugar personally flown in from the Barbados, of course. But the principle of borrowing still remains.

Using the scientific method, I took the hypothesis that "Tom Cruise is obviously insane" and made educated predictions of the amentities his new home might include. Until Tom either does an episode of "Cribs" or he kidnaps me and holds me hostage there, I will never be able to get to the testing phase of the method. Just know that if the latter does happen and I call you up to say robotically, "Hey, I'm just having a fun ole time here at Tom Cruise's house," I'm not. In actuality, he's probably holding a samurai sword to my neck and force feeding me Frosted Cheerios while I wear a gorilla costume. Wait a second. That does sound like fun. Nevermind. Disregard everything I just wrote.

I think I need new eyeballs.

Because I just threw my other ones at the computer screen in extreme fright. What can I say? I thought she was coming to get me. As I was first looking at the pic, I did it from left to right and was like, "Hey, me likey very niiiice...wait a sec...DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN!!!" And I totally flipped out of my chair. K.O.'s got that "I'm coming to get you face," she's doing the "fat man in a little coat" routine AND she still reminds me of a penguin. I stand behind all of this.

On the other hand, Lohan is back. Hi-yo.

Guys, someone cut the wrong wire (aka cable).

And it caused my ride back from the Arby's drive-thru to be twice as long as normal, due to the traffic lights being off. And that, in effect, caused my cheddar on my Arby's Beef & Cheddar to coagulate. So now, I'm freakin' pissed off and looking for answers on CNN. Give me answers, Wolf Blitzer!! No spin!! Answers!!

In all seriousness, I just tasted my Arby's Beef & Cheddar and it's completely ruined. I hope the incorrect cable cutter is happy.

EDIT: I just saw the President say these exact words on "The Situation Room." It was a clip from his address down in New Orleans today:

Reporter: Where were you when you realized the severity of the storms?

Bush: Uhhh, I was...I knew a big storm was comin, uh, on Monday. That's why I spoke to the country on Monday morning...about it. I said, "There's a big storm coming. I had presigned emergency declarations in anticipation of a big storm coming. (interrupts questioners to finish) Which by the way is extraordinary. Most emergencies the president signs after the storm has hit."

Uhhhhhhh huh.

Do you ever notice the dog lazily lounging around your place and you suddenly look at him/her and say, "Dude, you're not pulling your weight. You need to hit the pavement and find a job. This Alpo isn't buying itself."

And they usually look at you like, "What? I'm a dog."

Well, Kiley didn't say that. Kiley went into this long diatribe about how he's been mulling over job offers but what he really wants to do, his dream dog job, is to someday be the head caption writer for Getty Images. So, not one to step in the way of a dog's dream, I went to Target, bought him a Speak 'N Spell and dutifully accepted the position of transcribing his personal captions he had typed out with his little doggy nose. We should be sending the following captions to Mr. Getty soon. Enjoy.

NY Fashion Week celebrates "Bring A Midget To Work Day"

Anthony Hopkins laughs at gay joke, then kills joke teller

Eva Longoria: Thisclose to having hot sweaty plant sex (for publicity, of course)

The exact second 2-year-old Sue started to hate everything at Disneyland

Inexplicably, Venus Williams seems to be pregnant with an clothing iron

Paris Hilton: too busy trying to show her nipple to notice that Kelly Osbourne stole a four-year-old's only warm pair of mittens

Star Jones: excited at finally not being the fatter one in a photo

Someone tells Jake Gyllenhaal that Anthony Hopkins killed someone for telling a gay joke, he laughs and says, "Hey, look at my cool beard"

Avril Lavigne doesn't care about camera people.

Lovely by Sarah Jessica Parker.

The closer you get, the worse it smells.