No, seriously. That's just wrong.

(via College Humor, of course)

Oh wait...don't do that...your microphone's...uhhhh...riiiight...awkward.

Clay Aiken: Not-So-Ambiguously Gay Stand-Up Comic.*

*I don't think Clay would come out of the closet if it was on fire.

"Doc, I know it sounds weird. But I've got to know if he feels the same way."

What a weird web of publicity the Dukes of Hazzard cast weaves! First it was Johnny Knoxville and Jessica Simpson and their whatever, then there was that weird Jessica Simpson car wash music video thing and now...Burt Reynolds has said on The Tonight Show that he likes Willie Nelson. And when he says likes, he's doesn't mean as a friend or a pen pal. Burt likes him with a capital L and a little asterisk on the end:

"When I worked with Willie Nelson, who is just about the nicest man I've ever worked with in my life, the sweetest, kindest man, I thought, 'If I'd have been gay, it would have saved me millions,'" he told Jay Leno in the show broadcast Thursday night. Reynolds said that if he'd have hooked up with Nelson, they'd still be "happily together."

Normally, this kind of news wouldn't even faze me. But I like Burt Reynolds. Or rather I used to like him back in the day (that's with a lower-case l). So, being the kind of person who would never step in the way of a man's teetering sexuality, I loaned Old Burt Reynolds my Delorean and my extra flux capacitor so he could go back in time to meet up with Young Burt Reynolds and share his feelings. Against my warnings, Old Burt walked right into his younger self's house, catching him in a precarious position:

Old Burt: What the hell are you doing?

Young Burt: (jumps off a few hookers) Holy shit! It's you! I mean, it's me!

Old Burt: Look, I don't have much time. My face is melting.

Young Burt: I can see that. Where in God's name are your ears?

Old Burt: They're back there. Forget it. I'm here on business. The business of love.

Young Burt: That's what I'm talkin' bout! Cannonball Run ladies! Smoke my bandit!

Old Burt: You need to hook up with Willie Nelson.

Young Burt: Huh?

Old Burt: Willie Nelson. Kidnap him, put him in your basement, be his boyfriend. You'll thank yourself someday.

Young Burt: Whaa? Why would I do something like that?

Old Burt: Well I...you just did a movie with him. He's really sweet and kind.

Young Burt: That's it?

Old Burt: And he's got a beard. And lots of weed. That'll save us millions. You see, weed gets more expensive in the future. And when your face is melting, it dulls the pain.

Young Burt: OH GOD!!

Old Burt: There's not much time. Chop chop.

Young Burt: Okay. Where's his house??

Eventually, Young Burt did end up at Young Willie's home address. But, much to his dismay, the house wasn't there. Willie's wife had taken it, along with his truck, his dog, his record collection and all of his stash. So, in retrospect, the space-time continuium was forever saved by the lyrics of a country-western song. Amazing.

Yep. Everyone knows that guy. Hell, I can be that guy. That guy in our office drops random quotes from movies no one's seen in 20 years. For example, he quoted The Apple Dumpling Gang Rides Again the other day and I just stared at him for five straight minutes, dumbfounded. He was like, "Dude, The Apple Dumpling Gang Rides Again?" And I said, "Are you serious? Look at me and say you're serious." Unfortunately, he was serious.

But, strangely, this Napoleon Dynamite talking doll and pen (available here) just hit the stores. Or maybe I blocked their existence out up until now. I think the makers probably would have been filthy Scrooge McDuck rich if they would have had them available last Christmas, but hey, better late than never. Buy one or the other and torment those guys in your respective office spaces.

Photog: "Mr. Pope, Sir. Could you please sit facing more towards the trees?"

Pope: "There's trees everywhere. We're in a forest in the mountains."

Photog: "Okay. Towards the trees more down the hill then?"

Pope: "This log bench is terrible."

Photog: "It's all we had to go with. Please continue lamenting."

Pope: "I'm trying. I'm trying. Is this good?"

Photog: "I'm getting more 'reminiscing' than 'lamenting.' I need sadness."

Pope: "Should I be pointing West? Will people know I'm lamenting in that direction?"

Photog: "No pointing. But maybe you should arch your head more that way."

Pope: "Just take the picture. I think they'll get it."

(via Drudge Report)

Akinnuoye-Agbaje, in "The Mummy Returns," practicing his "mysterious" face.

The second season of Lost starts on September 21st. From the minute the season finale aired back in May, fans have been clamoring for clues of what might happen next to the island survivors. Something, anything!!! And ABC finally answered all of our prayers today with this groundbreaking tidbit:

A new character, Emeka (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje), will join the island. And...wait for it...he's "mysterious."

For anyone who's seen the show, this totally makes sense. There's a lot of characters so far on the show, but none of them seem mysterious. Wait a tic! They're ALL MYSTERIOUS!! Lock's mysterious, the Doc's mysterious, the little boy's mysterious, polar bears are mysterious, the newly opened tunnel's mysterious, the chubby guy's mysterious, the extras who have no lines are mysterious...hell, even the commercial breaks are mysterious in the way they jump up on you. Thanks for nothing ABC! I've got a few more HUGE ABC-show tidbits for you:

Extreme Makeover: Home Edition - There will be some building. Then some crying.

Alias - Someone will be pregnant. It won't be a male character.

Desperate Housewives - The plumber guy? Still not a plumber. Shit goes down. Figuratively.

The Bachelor - Some will get roses. Others will not. Boo hoo.

Wife Swap - Families will continue whoring themselves out for obvious life lessons.

America's Funniest Home Videos - Testicles are hit. Still not funny. Show, amazingly, goes on and on. Won't stop. Despite pleas sent to show disguised as "funny videos." From me. I'm serious. Stop.

Related: 10 Things I Think I Think About the Lost Finale

Well gosh damn. I guess life isn't so great with Brooke Burke. Seems she and her hubby, Beverly Hills plastic surgeon Garth Fisher, have split up. What gives? Why is everyone breaking up these days? Brooke had the right idea, marrying a surgeon. When I played MASH as a kid, I always had my wife's occupation as being a chef, a porn star, a pharmacist or a dental hygienist. All bases were covered. But does this mean Brooke is going to have to give back her fake boobs and the plastic surgery she's had done on herself in an Extreme Unmakeover as part of the settlement? That big reveal will happen in front of her family and they'll all disown her, except for her kids, who will cry a little but accept her in the end. Again, these are shows that should be on the air but aren't.

Also, Rene and Kenny Chesney are having second thoughts?? They're obviously mistaken. This isn't Frogger, guys. Sometimes you're on that log until it runs off the screen. You can't just jump around like that. I guess that particular marriage was doomed from the start because of the fact that, allegedly, it was a rebound marriage for Renee after breaking up with Jack White. Then of course he got married a week or two later. It's all awesomely strange and convoluted. It reminds me of the time I ran into an ex-girlfriend at Six Flags, a few months after we'd broken up:

Ex-GF: Oh, heeeeeeeeeeeey!! How are you?

Me: Oh, good and you?

Ex-GF: I'm good.

(Long awkward silence)

Me: So, what you been up to?

Ex-GF: Well...I got engaged.

Me: Really? That was...fast.

Ex-GF: We're in love.

Me: Oh...well...I'm actually engaged, too.

Ex-GF: Engaged? To whom?

Me: (pointing) Uhhh...to that girl over there.

Ex-GF: To the Dippin' Dots girl?

Me: Yes.

Ex-GF: Uh huh.

Me: She's nice. And she gets to take home the leftover Dippin' Dots at the end of the day.

Ex-GF: That's why you're marrying her???

Me: Of course not. But's it's definitely a plus.

Note to ladies: the way to a man's heart is through astronaut ice cream.

Hilary: Oh my gawsh Doctor Head, I love...

DrPotHead: Hilary, call me Potato.

Hilary: Potato, I love my new veneers. You were so right on for giving me the same size you have for yourself. They're perfect!!!!

DrPotHead: Well, H Duff...may I call you that?

Hilary: OMG, yes!!!

DrPotHead: H Duff, you are a star. A big bright shining star. And like any star, for example, the North Star, you should be able to be seen from far far far away. Your new dental work ensures that.

Hilary: I'm so honored.

DrPotHead: In essence, a person could be lost in the Sahara Desert, look to find you and say, "Okay, I'm here, Hilary Duff's big ass teeth are there...so I need to go...southwest. Thank you Hilary Duff!!" And then they'd give you the Mentos Freshmaker thumbs up or something.

Hilary: OMG times two!! I can't wait to tell my b-f Joel!!

DrPotHead: Oh dear. He seems a little slow. And his blog makes me contemplate Good Charlotticide. It's that bad.

Hilary: I should still tell him, though. Right?

DrPotHead: Hmmm...I'll draw him a picture! He'll understand that.

Hilary: OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!

DrPotHead: Stop that.

Hilary: Okay.

Target: Pulling out all the stops to promote their discount prices. That even includes having attractive women jumping from rooftops to their deaths in front of strategically-placed Target banners.

I'm a huuuge Alias fan.

I don't care what anyone else thinks. I like it. Even when it sucks. So it comes to my surprise that the news about JenG's pregnancy being written into the show has people saying that it has "jumped the shark?" First of all, why is "jump the shark" such a popular term? I know that Fonzie actually jumped a shark in Happy Days and that's where the term originally came from. But Happy Days? I'd feel a little better about using the term if it came from a show that was actually...you know...good. If I had never seen that episode of Happy Days, I wouldn't know that "jump the shark" even had a bad conotation. Jumping sharks is not only amazing. It's very uncommon. I didn't see a lot of people jumping sharks in Jaws or its maligned sequels, did you?? So, in the spirit of discussion, I've come up with a few negative-conotation alternatives for "jumping the shark," now that the phrase has in essence jumped as well:

1. Punching The Shark In The Face - If you jump an actual shark, you could theoretically survive, depending on your velocity and height of the jump and the humidity. But punching it? That would probably make it angry. And after bears, sharks are the last things to piss off. "Ahhh man! Will & Grace totally punched the shark in the face!" See? It just sounds doomed.

2. Sunk Its Battleship - This would combine a fun board game that everyone knows and loves with a term that, worldwide, instilled a sense of disappointment during times of war. Game over.

3. Got An Ugly Chick Pregnant - OHhhhhh noooooooooo!!! You always have that one friend in high school that this exact thing happens to. It's like crashing into a brick wall and then having to live forever in the smashed-up aftermath like nothing's changed. Very sad.

4. Slapping Your Mom - If I ever did that to my mom, that would be the last episode of "The Me Show." There wouldn't even be a commercial. It'd just go straight to black.

5. Dropped A Baby On Its Head - I'm definitly not advocating dropping babies. That's terrible. And I believe highly illegal. But have you ever met someone for the first time and something was just a little off about them? And then they said, "Oh, yeah. My mom dropped me on my head when I was a baby." And then you were like, "Ahhh" as you slowly backed away. Studies show that people who are dropped on their heads as children have this happen a lot. So saying a show dropped a baby on its head would cause similar reactions.

Secondly, who says that having a baby on Alias would be so bad? Not only is that a new form of sympathy for Sydney while she's all on the DL on her spy missions. But that baby could come out of the womb being a superspy itself. Sydney could throw the baby at bad guys or have it parachute on bad guy's heads. You could even get some kind of tether cord and make a huge swinging baby superweapon. That would be pretty sweet.

Any other suggestions?

Sometimes the British just seems to have all the good ideas. This, in fact, is one of them. I'd even go as far as to deem it FANTASTIC:

LONDON - JULY 27: Dungeon goers wear paper bags on their heads after being assessed as 'Ugly' during the "Uglies Go Free" photocall as the popular London tourist attraction launches a special tongue-in-cheek summer offer, free admission to ugly people, at the London Dungeon on July 27, 2005 in London, England. Visitors volunteer for an interview with the "ugliness adjudicator" who compares faces with large photos of supposed ugly celebrities. Members of the public deemed ugly save the cost of entry but must wear a customised paper bag over their heads until safely inside. Anyone too hideous faces automatic disqualification, for fear of detracting from the scariness of Dungeon exhibits.

Okay...best promotional idea ever. Just imagine if someone opened up an "Uglies Go Free" club here in Los Angeles. "Dear God in heaven you're HIDEOUS!! No cover for you! You're going straight to the VIUP (Very Important Ugly Person) Room! Nicole Richie's back there chillin." Or how about an "Uglies Go Early" grocery store promotion? I don't know about you, but I tire of seeing ugly people hanging out in the produce department. It'd be hard enough just trying to open those little plastic produce bags in a vacuum. But when UGLY's all up in my face, no go man. The possibilities are endless: Ugly Person Water Slides, Ugly Person Lines At Disneyland (they get in faster than the VIP line), Extreme Butterface Makeover, etc. And the fact that some guy could be walking around London with a nametag labeling him as THE Ugliness Adjudicator is unbelievably cool. I so want that position.

So I attended a screening of Universal's 40 Year Old Virgin last week. Pretty funny premise, best poster of the year, hilarious international trailer, historically funny cast (including faves Steve Carell and Catherine Keener)...average movie. It actually made me feel really old coming out of the movie theater because I heard people saying that it was better than Wedding Crashers. Not quite, guys. A funny movie in parts, no doubt. But more like barely squeaking a double when that trailer promises a homerun. I'm going to try to check it out when it comes out next month because I think it could be a lot better if they shave about 10 to 15 minutes off of it. Some scenes just run waaaay too long and lose the laugh too quickly. Unfortunately, Paul Rudd (so good in Wet Hot American Summer) gets stuck in most of them.

But, anyway, like the geek that I am, I often go to the messageboards for a movie on IMDB after I see to it because I like to see if A) anyone's seen the movie yet and B) anyone's as big a geek as me. Much to my chagrin, I went to 40 Year Old Virgin's page to find a full-scale barrage of comments, not really about the movie, but about if it's cool or not cool to be a virgin. Yes. A GIGANTIC NERDATHON!! For your reading pleasure, I'll reprint my (unedited) faves:

jughead10m No there is nothing wrong with that. Its hard to kiss one anyway and I personally never never never want to kiss one because that is something that you just don't do at all period. I personally never want to kiss or girl or be kissed by one, & never want to have sex either so there is nothing wrong with being a permanent virgin for the rest of your life.

strwbryfieldz4e The best advice I ever got was, have as much sex as u can while you are young cuz when u get old u don't get none any more

jughead10m (again)No there isn't anything wrong with that, (not kissed anyone or chose not to), I have that right, I have that constitutional right, you can't just approach anybody you feel like and kiss them, those females don't like it, they don't like it and I don't like it that is the crazy sickening lip kissing or that tongue kissing which is sexual kissing before you have sex plus I don't like falling in love with anybody either I would rather have my freedom and independence and do my own thing and thats my right.

Fungazi Good observation leif. Most men do not choose to be virgins like women, they just aren't normal enough to meet a girl that would sleep with them. Man's natural instinct is to sleep with as many women as possible, woman's is to get a man that will be able to support healthy kids. Makes me wonder why there are so many sluts in clubs. LoL

ReggieChrist321 It's sort of the opposite for me. I'm only 19, but usually any girl who would outwardly come out and say she wanted to f_ck me I would find too unattractive to f_ck. I'm partly too damn shy to ask the good-looking girls out, especially when all I want is sex, but I'm not giving it to some ugly girl just because I'm not getting any from the nice-looking ones.

peace-amp-love1089 I agree. I know someone who's older than forty and a virgin [no they aren't part of the church] and they dont even look like that. HEY ALL YOU STUPID PEOPLE THAT MADE THIS MOVIE: that's not how virgins look or dress or act. so this movie is completely inaccurate. they make virgins sound like no good. im seriously pissed at SC

guaquino Im not a virgin since i Was 16. And let me tell you, my life became 300% better after that! Go get laid people, its THAT good!

bioburner You guys are the biggest bunch of poontangs I've ever seen.

DirkDiggler1 Just because people choose to have sex before tying the knot or just because people choose to have threesomes doesn’t mean they’re repugnant evildoers who devoid of morals. And by the way, I’m not a virgin because I choose to be—several girls have wanted to be my girlfriends, and one even ASKED me as to whether or not I wanted to go out with her—I’m a virgin because I don’t have the balls to walk up to girls, let alone ask them out. Help put "Boogie Nights" on the list of the top 250 movies!!!

Wrestlgamer11 hows the jr. high girls treating you Ryan1991, no wait you don't even have hair on your balls yet, your in way over your head, go comment on the Free Willy posts

AND THE GRAND PRIZE WINNER...

sstevecompton im 11 and im a virgin, i totally know what you mean

Matt Drudge, Crafty Photo Cropper.

{via Drudge Report}

"Must not eat kitty...must not eat kitty...keep it together Nicole...must not eat kitty...but it's so soft and one-serving-like!!"

Actresses often are extremely insecure people. So it's no surprise that you don't see a lot of them owning cats or kittens. Little foofy dogs are much more suitable for giving them the constant attention that they so desperately crave at all hours. But the dark alternative is that sometimes "actresses" crave fresh pet adoration meat. Cut to these dog-loving "actresses" running into cat-loving owners holding their little kittens on the street. They go over, pick them up expecting dog-like affection and get so enraged over a kitten's uncaring attitude that they'll think seriously about eating it. Did this kitten survive? We may never know.

I used to run into Nicole Richie a lot when I'd go to Toast (pre-Scary Big Gulp Lady). I once even saw her get into an intense staring match with her salad as I imagined her adoptive father, Lionel, remaking the song "Sail On," if only for the fact that he could cast her in the music video as the sails on his boat. Just strap her up there and let it blow. Sail on. I know I'd watch it.

What a trainwreck! Someone's still paying Carson Daly to do things?? And to think he used to date Jennifer Love Hewitt and Tara Reid! Now he's got a show on-air during the graveyard shift when most people would rather just watch clips of the American flag with the Star Spangled Banner playing in the background. Terrible. At least MTV is still employing John Norris. If they ever fire him from doing his unintelligibly bad news bits, he'll probably just fade away into a ball of dust particles. He's pretty old. He's got to be at least pushing 60 by now.

But back to Carson Daly...what is up with this dude's head? Never mind him being skinnier. His head is continually getting smaller and more squished together. That can't be safe, medically or professionally. I haven't seen the Beetlejuice guy get work in years.

If I was expected to pay $40 a ticket to a concert and showed up to find the entire band--known for dancing more than singing--lazin' around on the steps during songs, I'd have to ask for that $40 back. Either that or demand they bring in some beds for all the fans. It's only fair, Boys.

Though props do go out to Kevin Richardson (the top right hand guy who's making sure he still has a mustache)for wearing capri pants and Gladiator sandals. But not really. I'm 95% sure that's a fashion don't.

This is more of a warning post than anything else.

LA-ites: if you're at Rock 'N Roll Ralphs on Sunset Blvd. and you're under the impression that you can push your cart out of the parking lot, you're wrong. You can't. Even if you're parked on the side road because the front parking lot is often packed due to its mini smallness, you can't take your Ralph's cart there. Oh no no no silly grocery shopper.

Do you know why? Because all of their carts and their wheels are rigged to fully shut down if they leave the set Ralph's "parking area." Not just one wheel or two. No, that would be workable. All four wheels lock up as the cart starts to fully break down and embarrass the cart pushee in front of everyone. All regular people, all aspiring actors and actresses (mainstream and porn) and all bums and hookers within the vicinity of the parking lot will know that you're "trying to steal the shopping cart" or, you know, "take it to your house." The actual breaking down of the cart makes a loud noise. But the machine-gun-like tirade of expletives that may slip from your mouth will seal the embarrassment deal. And then the dude that makes $7 an hour to actually round up the shopping carts will laugh at you. And then you will cry all over your chips and soda beverages. Or at least sulk expressively.

In conclusion, grocery carts suck ass. And so does this guy, who looks kinda like the grocery cart rounder-upper. Not cool at all. He was being extremely "un-dude."

That third letter's an M, isn't it? Naughty, naughty Amaya.

1. Amaya from Real World:Hawaii is a host.

That's all I got. This stuff has to be a joke, right? Out of all the hosts in all of the world, Al Gore picked her? Is it a show about being annoying?? Being a psycho pseudo-girlfriend? Are there going to be subtitles on screen at all times so I don't have to listen to her talk? While she's at the desk, can we have Justin from Real World: Hawaii sitting just offscreen telling her how bad a person she is? That'd be a little cool, right? Is she going to be calling the correspondents in the field her "schmoopie woopies?" Can we get a recount? Can we look for annoying but hot this time? She's going to be crying a lot, isn't she??

BTW, this reminds me. Puck 4 CBS News Anchor!!

A. This is the last fresh SMRT-TV for a while, y'all.
B. I wrote my entry flyin' high on cold medicine
C. No, really. I did. And I gave out awards:

Worst Supporting Neighbor In A Series — Wilson on Home Improvement made me hate fences as a kid! Seriously! What a cock tease! Show us your face, weirdo!

I realize I need professional help.

"Oh man. I hope the Associated Press doesn't take a picture of this."

Maybe it's just me, but this camp has beatdown on the elementary playground written all over it. Things have really changed since I read books as a little kid. I remember reading books and liking them. I even had a local library card. But I don't ever remember thinking, "Wow, I wish I could spend a entire week getting stalked by a scary kid-eating clown." Or, you know, "Damn if it wouldn't be fun if my mom and I got into an all-out battle for our lives with a rabid St. Bernard!!" (I was a young Stephen King reader). Hell, if I would have even suggested that I read books outside of requred school reading to my friends, I would have been hit with the eventual "UR A NEEERRRRRD!!" notes on my locker.

But you know what have been really cool as a ten-year-old kid? Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition Camp! I would have forced my mom to sign me up for that in a heartbeat. Just a fun easy-going summer camp, you know. And you'd get back to school the next session and have plenty to talk about:

Friend: And then my dad died. It was a pretty rotten summer. How was yours?

10-Year-Old Me: Oh, you know, average. I spent the entire summer chilling in the Bahamas with the SI Swimsuit team. Yeah, me and Kathy Ireland really bonded over our similar ideas on cognitive development and paradigm shifts. She's a huge Jean Piaget fan. And Elle..oh Elle. She's a paleoclimatology nut. Fascinating woman. Between partially topless shoots on the island, we couldn't stop once we got into discussing ice cores, tree rings and the stochastic process.

Friend: HUH?

10-Year-Old Me: I'm just kidding, dude. I totally saw their hooters, though!!

Friend: AWESOME!!!

Not-Really-Related-But-Funny: Bible Storyland!!!

I want to believe in a world in which any robot (white, black, brown or metallic), can go up to Alicia Keys, just say hello and get his robomack on.

But look at her. Just look. She's playing with his emotions. He's right there in it and I don't think she's picking up what he's putting down. He'll probably spend all night complimenting her outfit, buying her appletinis and telling her how much he really enjoyed The Diary of Alicia Keys. She'll smile and nod and playfully stroke his grappling hook hands. He'll think, "Wow, Alicia Keys is totally diggin' me. Maybe I do have a chance." Then she'll say, "Hey, me and my girls are going to the restroom. I'll be right back." And then he'll wait. And wait. And wait. Final call will pass by and he'll just stand there. All buzzed and robotic-like. Once he realizes he's been duped, he'll probably drive up Mulholland Drive and run off a cliff. I've seen it happen. Robots never survive in this town. It's really sad. And all because Alicia "Tease" Keys played with his emotions.

WTFever, blogger person. You know what? I don't want to caption your photo. How bout that? You're telling me you're too busy to write a caption yourself? Not one word? Not even a fake word like "jabbleboo" or "regerallahplex" or something? It doesn't even have to be funny. This isn't rocket science. This isn't even first grade science, where you walk outside in a single file line and collect leaves and that's the whole lesson for the day and everyone gets A's. This is the terribly unoriginal world of celebrity gossip blogging!! Hundreds (sometimes thousands) of people come to your site EVERYDAY (sometimes refreshing, refreshing, refreshing, several times a day???) to read the same gossip and look at the same pictures that everyone else is posting on their sites (which is practically identical to yours but with different colors). And that's all you got? "Caption this?" That BLOWS. How about getting one of your interns to do that? Which leads me to, why the shit do you have interns? What in the hell could they be doing? Watching you upload pics to your Imageshack account? Checking up on Ananova.com for you? Ananova writes terrible copy! My two-year-old cousin could do that. I'm sure you can figure it out, too. No? I have a inventive idea! Just copy their captions! Might as well, you know. Then we can gather all your site links up and blast them off into space, where I'm sure some alien being of some kind will find them, access the hyperlinks and say, "Dude, these are all the same. What a ripoff!" So then all the aliens will get mad at us because all our celebrity gossip sites are the same and they'll send tripods and spaceships and spacepods with little cuddly aliens to destroy the entire Internet AND us for not using our medulla oblongatas at all. Because, in my mind, nothing makes aliens more angry than humans not realizing their full potential. Even when it comes to captioning a picture of Lindsay Lohan buying gum and cigarettes. "Lindsay loves gum and cigarettes!!" There ya go. My gift to you.

Christina Ricci: Got the memo that it's hot as all hell in L.A., planned accordingly

Mid-length business skirt + Wifebeater = Business Casual

I'll give her points for it fitting her well. And at least she tucked it in. You see, only girls can do this. You don't see guys wearing a dress shirt and tie and some boxers out there. Or at least I haven't seen any at the red carpets I've been to. Okay...the red carpet I've been to...I saw it from across the street. Shhhh.

Other red carpet superstars:
Miss Teen USA
Bruce Dern
Jean Jacket Guy
Jonathan Lipnicki
Eva Green

Anyone remember these guys??

You know, the Katsopolis boys who always seemed to be laughing at someone just off camera. The next Olsen twins, right?

Well...they've got their own website. Looks like they've been loading up their resumes since FH. One of them looks to be going through his "extreme hair gel phase." And they've got a fanclub that's about to BLOW UP. Get there and make them superstars! I want these boys snorting coke off of a Hollywood producer's diving board immediately!!

In the meantime, let's enjoy a pic of Uncle Jesse and Danny, just chillin'.

Aunt Jemima says she doesn't want to marry lover Hugh Grant... yet.

The gleeful pancake heiress rebuffed the actor's offer of marriage last month, according to the Daily Mail. Mum-of-two Jemima says she is simply not ready to be whisked down the aisle again - after her nine-year marriage to Egypt's King Ihop.

"I want to destroy the ugly racial stereotype that has been established over the years before I settle down. Jemima is about more than pancakes, people. We also make great coffee cake," she said. "Just kidding. I have lots of things in the works."

In the next year, Jemima will unveil a new clothing line, a magazine, a reality show and might even make a bid for the White House. But Hugh, according to friends, is "hard up." He's desperate to settle down and is even rumoured to be prepared to give up his acting career for her, which sounds more like a threat than a promise.

A pal told the paper: "In Jemima, Hugh finally found a potential wife who couldn't possibly be after his money - after all, she is considerably wealthier than him. And happier too."

"He has always been afraid of gold-diggers. Unfortunately for Hugh she is still not over her marriage to Ihop. It was a claustrophobic marriage - she was forced to take daily trips by personal jet to each of his chain's international locations," said the friend." "All the location managers loved her. But they secretly despised Ihop because no pancake was fluffy enough for him, every egg was runny and the pigs in the blankets were 'not rolled up with enough love,' he would say."

Bridget Jones hunk Hugh - who is set to star in new movie American Dreamz - got together with Jemima last year. They met at Los Angeles's ultra-exclusive Spider Club. Jemima is ALWAYS there on Fridays, strutting her stuff.

Grant previously dated Liz Hurley for seven years before they split. Jemima reportedly stormed out of Sir Elton John's White Tie and Tiara charity bash last month when Liz flirted with Hugh - even sucking his fingers seductively in front of guests.

"I will cook her for breakfast," Jemima said. "Actually, don't print that."

See: Jemima Turns Down Hugh's Request

Good PETA: Note the delight on these two young lads' faces. They will cherish this glorious moment forever. Also note that we don't really know where either of their other hands are located. Third note: I love lettuce.


Bad PETA: No matter how much I agree or disagree with PETA's philosophies, the digging up of dead grandmothers and slathering of clown makeup on their faces is just wrong. This is just bad PR, PETA.

Something blew up again!! NooooOOOOoooooo!!!! Ugh. This is getting old.

Went to see The Island last night. I'd have to say that I liked it better than The Island of Dr. Moreau, Cutthroat Island, Muppet Treasure Island, "Temptation Island," Billy Joel: Live From Long Island, Spy Kids 2: Island of Lost Dreams, Michael Caine's Island, the film adaptation of Treasure Island, Scooby-Doo On Zombie Island, "Gilligan's Island," Long Island Ice Tea, the actual Long Island, Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie's Island Adventure, Island of Lost Souls and It's Alive 3: Island of the Alive.

The only Island movie I thought was stronger, in a cinematic sense, was Bikini Island. It's about a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition photo shoot gone oh so right and then disastrously wrong...and more wrong (and wronger if it actually was a word). I highly recommend it. I also like Coney Island. For the sweet rides.

But back to The Island...

1) Lots of things blow up. It's going to get to a point in a few years where Michael Bay's going to find a way to blow up the entire theater around you while you're watching his latest movie. It's going to happen. At one point I just started to expect that everything or everyone in the movie will eventually blow up. Then I was surprised when they didn't. Funny how that worked out.

2) John Woo has doves. George Lucas has stilted dialogue. Michael Bay throws things from moving vehicles. He probably threw his gum out the window as a kid and got yelled at a lot. That's all I can think of. Because he was throwing dead bodies at cars in Bad Boys 2. And now he's throwing big freakin' washers (the nuts/bolts kind) down the highway. Best scene in the movie.

3) Scarlett Johannson = extremely hot in this. All of the things blowing up around her must have caused her to glow hotness from within. Unfortunately, she doesn't get naked in the movie. No naked back shots. No naked side shots. You can't fool me, Michael Bay. I know she wanted it. I didn't start watching PG-13 movies yesterday. I know it could have happened and that really disappoints me. If you see me on the street, we're on time-out.

That's about all I got. It's not a good movie. It's a Michael Bay movie. I heard people coming out of the theater saying they thought it was his best movie. It didn't give me a headache like most of his movies. That's my positive spin on it.

Conversation Between Michael Pitt and His "Friend" Two Hours Before His Picture Was Taken At The Big Premiere For Last Days

Friend: Dude. Your premiere's today!

Michael: Ahhhh snap. The hamper's full. What am I to do?

Friend: Just go buy a shirt, man. Hollywood Boulevard has 5 for 10 bucks.

Michael: Noooo man. That is so not punk rock.

Friend: You should go topless. That would be cool.

Michael: It gets kind of chilly at night though.

Friend: Whatever man. Do what you need to do.

Michael: How about this?

Friend: We just used that to dust yesterday. It's a rag.

Michael: This isn't a rag. It's a fashion statement.

Friend: You should tear a little hole on one sleeve!!

Michael: And roll up the other!! I was just thinking that!!

Friend: You're going to be a huge hit!!

Michael: I know! I know! Can I borrow some of your facial moisturizer?

Friend: Truthfully, you look fantastic. Best I've ever seen you.

Michael: This is exciting. I can't wait. I'm on my way. Toodles.

Let this be a lesson to young stars everywhere. Friends don't let friends wear dust rags to their premieres. Never ever never ever. Just no.

See? Crazy scary! He's pretending to write on a bare table.

Is anyone else but me moderately freaked out every time they stumble upon A Current Affair? Let's be honest. In its first incarnation, the show was pretty weird. But today's version just takes the strange cake. It's about 10% news and 90% Huh? Is their daily news meeting a game of "Pin The Tail On the Donkey Possible Story That Might Be Seen As News" or what??

It doesn't really help that the show's news anchor also scares the living bejesus out of me. I won't even print his name because I'm that afraid he uses Google. But I swear I saw this guy at the Scientology Center passing out fliers last year. He's strange. He's scary. And I think he really really likes his voice (which is also strange and scary). And he does this thing where he breaks "the fourth wall" of journalism a lot and just starts rolling his chair all around the newsroom. Like he'll be talking about famine in Africa at the desk and he'll stop to ask when everyone's ordering lunch. I saw it happen. I'm not crazy. He will break "the fifth wall" someday and just crawl through the TV screen like Samara from The Ring and kill someone. Trust me.

Last night's episode totally flew off the X and Y axis's and went into Z axis territory. They started talking about the groom guy who disappeared off the cruise ship. Then suddenly they went to the field reporter who was talking to everyone on the cruise ship. Then everyone who had ever seen the cruise ship. Then people who could spell "cruise ship." Then they talked to the actual cruise ship (without an interpreter). Then some dolphins swam by and started yelling things. And I just didn't know what was happening so I just unplugged my TV and threw it out the window.

Added: They're now asking people to send in their "most outrageous" car wash videos!! Am I on the same planet as everyone? Is this not weird? That mailing address probably goes straight to Scary News Anchor's house where he sits down in his basement (Seven-style) late at nights, creating a mega-carwash mix for his personal viewing pleasure. Don't be fooled.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!
I'm sick of these rumors about Nick and Jessica breaking up. They could be breaking up soon, they could have already broken up, they could be just hanging out now, they could be friends with benefits, they could only go out at night, they could only go out when they need groceries, they love clubbing and going to clubs but they don't talk when they're there, Johnny Knoxville's got a sweet mustache, he stuck his what in her huh what, etc. etc. etc. etc. WHO CARES! Since pictures are worth a thousand words, I'm starting a rumor right here and now:

JESSICA SIMPSON'S A ZOMBIE.

Yep. Scary but true. And it explains so much.

-If you use a word Jessica doesn't understand, she eats you.
-If you ask her how Nick is doing, she eats you.
-If you quote that damn "is tuna fish or chicken" joke, she eats you.
-If you're Johnny Knoxville's family, she eats you.
-If you're a member of 98 Degrees and not Nick, she eats you.
-Don't like her "Boots Are Made For Walkin" song/video? Eaten.
-If you're paparazzi, she'll allow you one pic. Then...she's eat you.

As of today, Jessica's currently eaten 4567 adults and 2 babies (who were twins that "cried at her wrong"). I'm just going to go out on limb and guess that they tasted like chicken. But you'd have to ask her.

Come on guys!! It doesn't count as a touchdown if you're naked. Even I know that. And this is technically your baby now, Seal, and you're going to have to buy her some clothes sooner or later. There's only so many 90's complilation albums that can give "Kiss From A Rose" a home, dude. Once that window runs out, it's back to your day job: looking really really mean.

And, by the way, don't think that I'm not laughing on the inside every time I see a picture of you at the beach. A Seal at the beach! Get it!! Don't make me club you! HAHAHA!! It's funny. A J-O-K-E. Feel free to smile/laugh.

Come to think of it, this never happens when I go anywhere. I must be wearing some kind of whipped-cream-hot-lesbian repellent. Very disheartening. If you love to torture yourself, click this link for more examples of what not to wear when riding a mechanical bull.

What is she splayed out on? A couch bed? This is the worst cheating whore babysitter picture ever. Seriously. I demand a re-take.

Sad sad news about Mr. Jude Law coming from Babysitterland. Christina Applegate just fainted. The Nanny Diary chicks are pissed. And I just saw Mary Poppins punch a kid in a wheelchair.

What did you expect? Did anyone else see Alfie? I just feel sorry for the poor kid that must have found out. Did he walk in on them mid-coitus? That conversation must have been entirely awkward.

Jude: Ummm, yes. Hi (Insert kid's name here).

Babysitter Whore: Cheerio.

Kid: WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING????????!!!!??????

Jude: Well, I'm paying your nanny. What does it look like I'm doing?

Kid: Oh. Carry on.

Dear Gail Berman,

I've spent the entire morning staring at my computer screen. I drank five cups of decaf coffee. I ate a muffin. And I still can't begin to understand why you, now President of Paramount Pictures, might want to ruin my entire life in one fell swoop. I seem to understand a convo we had a few weeks ago over some Coffee Bean vanilla lattes:

Me: Now Gail, I'm giving you first look on my "baby." My first full-length feature script. My pride and joy. If you don't like it, just don't tell me. It will ruin me. Come to think of it, don't even read it. Give it back.

Gail: But I must, J-Man. I must.

Me: Okay. But it's a fully autobiographical story about the personal struggles I had to go through to symbolically find myself. Writing it saved me. I hope you understand and treat it with baby exec gloves.

Gail: As you well know, we Hollywood execs put people first.

Me: Awww. I know. That's what I love about you guys.

Gail: It's titled Looking For Alaska? Are you kidding me?

Me: No. That's right.

Gail: Well, you're going to have to change that title.

Me: Change it? But it's the entire story. I was "looking for my Alaska." You know? Where the hell is Alaska? I don't know. I guess I'll go look for it. It's not there. It's not here. Does it exist? Oh. There it is. At the freakin' end of the Earth. Near Canada. It's hard work finding oneself.

Gail: Uh huh.

Me: It's very personal.

Gail: Sorry. We're going to have to pass. I hate Alaska. And all Alaskan titles.

So that's where we left it. You were passing. I was fine. Life goes on. And then I wake up this morning to find THIS STORY in the trades?? I don't even know this John Green fella. But I'm sure he doesn't know anything about "my Alaska." My Alaska, because of you, is now dark and full of confusion. What do you want me to do, Gail Berman? Cry? Bleed? I can't even leave my cubicle this morning. People are laughing in my general direction in the copier room. I can hear them. I might starve because I don't think Domino's delivers to my desk. Everyone knows you have destroyed my one dream. I hope you are happy in your shiny Paramount tower.

Not sincerely,
Me

Only if I can give my girlfriend the Heimlich upon it. Every time a plane comes? No foolin'? Sweet.

Gayest. Cereal. Ever.